Forgiveness and Tolerance in Islam


by Hanaa Hamad

It never ceases to amaze me that Allah can inspire so much fear in our hearts when we reflect on His supremacy, yet his mercy is equally as vast as His dominion. Allah tells us in a Hadith Qudsi (sacred narration of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ): “O son of Adam, were your sins to reach the clouds of the sky and were you then to ask forgiveness of Me, I would forgive you” (Al-Tirmidhi). Subhan’Allah (Glory be to Allah) there is no limit to Allah’s forgiveness, even though our mistakes are numerous.coexistence

But what’s disheartening is how seldom we are able to forgive each other and how often we are impetuously intolerant toward one another. Islam teaches us that the strongest of servants are those who not only have the strength to suppress their anger when they are tested but also possess an immeasurable capacity to forgive. The Prophet ﷺ said that: “Whoever suffers an injury and forgives (the person responsible), God will raise his status to a higher degree and remove one of his sins” (Al-Tirmidhi). If we can sincerely forgive those who anger us, inwardly and outwardly, then that cleanses our souls from the shaytan (satan) and his negative energy. It is important to disregard vain criticisms and this is the first step toward being tolerant. Of course, this is not done without difficulty because it is hard to understand why those who have caused us grievances wanted to do so in the first place. But this is where the battle with our inner self can take a positive turn and allow us to elevate our iman (faith). This inner struggle is what the Prophet ﷺ called “The Greater Jihad” because it involves tolerance and fighting the evil within ourselves in order to purify our hearts. This is always done for the sake of Allah and to purify our spiritual conditions.

Islam also teaches us that the best kind of forgiveness is answering the oppression of others with kindness. The Prophet ﷺ inspired us with this practice when he said to his followers: “God had ordered me to maintain ties with those who sever ties with me, and to give to those who deprive me, and to forgive those who oppress me.”

The Prophet ﷺ and his companions were so merciful in their conduct that instead of becoming angry with their offenders, they defended them and gave them gifts. What immeasurable acts of compassion. They went beyond human altruism and practiced unmatched generosity. They demonstrated that when we open our hearts and pardon others, we are granting ourselves an inner peace. This is how we can prevent spite from suffocating our hearts, which is crucial because hatred has the ability to make us internally ill. We think that hatred is a means of revenge against those who have harmed us, but by begrudging them we are only harming ourselves. This is because our enemies will never feel our anger, and they live contently as we suffer. When we forgive others, it brings relief to our souls because it is a kind of liberating release. This is because when someone has upset us, they have a power over us because we allowed them to do so.

Life is short. Let us not waste our energy on being angry at our enemies and seeking revenge against them. If we can progressively minimize our spite every day, then soon we will bear no hatred or malice in our hearts, insha’Allah (God willing). This is how we can end conflict amongst ourselves, since it is a day to day issue we face. After all, sometimes our own actions can provoke another person’s wrong doings and we may not be aware of how we contributed to the conflict. We tend to judge the faults of others, while being blind to our own. We forget how we have wronged others, and we only remember how others have wronged us. In the same manner, we forget the good things that others have done for us, and remember only the good that we have done for them. It is an innate human error. But let us try to remember our own shortcomings before we reflect on the shortcomings of others. Let us stop victimizing ourselves and think about how we have victimized others, and then seek their forgiveness. And if they ask our forgiveness, let us always grant it to them. Because the Prophet ﷺ taught us that: “Whoever does not show mercy will not be shown mercy” (Al-Bukhari). And we must keep in mind that however we treat others is how Allah will treat us.

So insha’Allah when someone hurts us, let us try to meet their oppression with kindness and forgive them, even if they are not sorry.

This article was inspired by a lecture by Dr. Aidh Al-Qarni


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59 Comments

  1. A says:

    Assalamualaikum,

    JazakAllahu Khair for this excellent reminder. I have just realised the cause of the feelings i’ve had for the past few weeks, and suddenly i feel liberated by the solution. May Allah grant us sakina, wisdom and strength to deal with everything life throws at us. Ameen.

  2. ibnuazlan says:

    Beautiful Masha Allah.

  3. Asad says:

    I would add that we should show gratitude to those who forgive us.

  4. أرجوا المساهمة في دعم الحملة لو تكرمتم

    (حملة الجسد الواحد)

    أرجوا من المدونين الموقرين أن يضعوا شعار الحملة في الشريط الجانبي لمدوناتهم تضامنا مع أمة محمد !!

    صورة الشعار .. في مدونتي أعقل مجنونة في الوجود .. ويكتبون فوقها ..

    (حملة الجـسد الواحـد)

    رابط المدونة

    http://dndanh111.blogspot.com/2010/06/blog-post_14.html
    جعله الله في ميزان حسانتكم .. آمين

  5. Justin says:

    As-Salaamu Alaykum,

    This is a great topic in Islam and is particularly important to us Muslims living in a pluralistic society where tolerance is supposed to be the norm. How excellent is the example of the Prophet SAW! Allah Almighty said:

    “Take what is given freely, enjoin what is good, and turn away from the ignorant.” (Surat al-’Araf 7:200)

    The Prophet SAW asked, “What does it mean, O Gabriel?” And Gabriel AS said, “Allah commands you to forgive those who wronged you, give to those who deprived you, and keep relations with those who cut theirs with you.” [Tafsir Ibn Kathir]

    Aisha RAH said: “I asked the Prophet SAW if he had ever experienced a worse day than Uhud. He answered that he had suffered a lot from those people (the idolaters) but the most painful was on the day of ‘Aqabah.” He SAW said: “I went seeking support from Ibn ‘Abd Yalil bin ‘Abd Kalal, but he spurned me. I set out wearied and grieved heedless of anything around me until I suddenly realized I was in Qarn Ath-Tha‘alib, called Qarn Al-Manazil. There, I looked up and saw a cloud casting its shade on me, and Gabriel addressing me: ‘Allâh has heard your people’s words and sent you the angel of mountains to your aid.’ The latter called and gave me his greetings and asked for my permission to bury Makkah between Al-Akhshabain, the two mountains flanking Makkah. I said in reply that I would rather have someone from their loins who will worship Allâh, the All–Mighty with no associate.” [Bukhari 1/458 and Muslim 2/109 as cited in Ar-Raheeq al-Makhtum]

    ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud said, “It is as if I could still see the Messenger of Allah talking about one of the Prophets AHS whose people beat him, making his blood flow. While he was wiping the blood from his face, he said, ‘O Allah, forgive my people. They do not know.’” [Agreed upon by Bukhari and Muslim, cited as #36 in Riyad us Saliheen by Imam Nawawi]

    The Prophet said this same statement, “Oh Allah, forgive my people for they do not know,” on the day of Uhud as recorded by Imam Muslim in the chapter on battles.

  6. peacerose says:

    Could I ask for an opinion?
    If one harms us by committing haram, such as that which classes the harmer as kaafir ( eg one who use magic) or one that deliberately uses the ploy of causing fitnah between 2 parties, are we supposed to forgive them, or can we ask Allah to punish them?
    JZK
    Excellent article btw mashallah.

  7. PeaceRose it is always the better soultion to Ask allah to forgive them and for you to forgive them and then ask allah to guide them and soften their hearts.

    TheImam
    Yousuf

  8. Hurt and betrayed says:

    Alsalaamu alaikum
    Inshallah this message finds you in good health. This article has inspired me to seek help on a matter that has darkened my life. I fell in love with a man, he said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I know in Islam this is forbidden but he implied we were to marry one another. This year he went to hajj, however wen he returned he said he did not want to marry me. I tried everything to fix it but he said I wasn’t the one for him, and that I never was. He claims we never had a relationship and that he never said he loved me. I am deeply hurt, so hurt that sometimes I feel like taking my own life, which I would never do as it would mean I go directly to he’ll. The problem I have is I cannot forgive him, but how do I expect Allah to forgive me if I cannot forgive him? I hate him so much and pray Allah punishes him, . But I know I shouldn’t. Will Allah punish him? Or will he forgive him because he performed hajj?
    I have so much hatred in my heart. I feel so betrayed and manipulated. What am I meant to do?
    Jazakallah khair

    • Amboh Lasa says:

      Dear Sister in Islam,
      Peace be with You.How Islam is always beautiful..Alhamdulillah we are muslims and our religeon is Islam and in every aspects of our life there is guidance.I think your a wonderful and loving person. Ask Allah to heal your heart and guide it.
      Alhamdulillah first and foremost our center of love is for Allah and people and around us are just a test.We should not cling to anything except the love for Allah.
      However I feel that hes just being honest with you and just have to accept the truth.Inshallah May Allah give you the true person who will love you in the name of Allah,and that the best love from human being.And boyfriends and girlfriends are haram for us to avoid elicit love which are haram and not rewarded by Allah.
      May Allah guide us all to legal and things that are being rewarded Inshallah.Good luck sister!
      What matters most in this life is to always gain reward in all our test and sufferings.

    • hurt, betrayed & lost says:

      Salam sister,

      I know it have been few years, I wonder how you feeling right now? Because like you, I too in the same kind of situation just like you and I really wonder how u coping and doing now. It will be good if you could tell us how u doing now to give motivation for someone who also have been manipulate and betray by the person who self claim they love us.

  9. NL says:

    It saddens me you feel this way. Im sure many people are in the same situation. Im sure your fed up of people saying time will make it better, be patient, your’ll be stronger and better for it as long as you learn from it. betrayal can be worse like a mother betraying her child etc etc but i think your betrayal is heavy. Even though i dont know you, from what you’ve written shows your a good person, so please dont feel that Allah will punish you for this, I know its easy to say but always try to remember Allah. In the end no one knows exactly what Allah thinks and what Allah will do but I believe Allah is with you, and i feel in my heart that you will be rewarded for your sufferings. there will a come a day sister where you will feel peace if not in this world then in the next, i shall pray for it. I pray that you will find someone who loves and respects you and you them as you deserve! many have. As long as theres Allah theres always hope. Also I’d like to add just going to Hajj doesnt mean automatic forgiveness, you know that. the fact that he hurt you like he did! lied to you! deserted you like he did! and after hajj, what does that say about him?? i believe that if Allah is disappointed at anyone its him not you. Its not your fault how you feel, your human. Remember when we make mistakes however big or small and we learn from it we can become such amazing human beings in the sense that many of us can and do become for understanding, more humble more kind, more religious! some of turn to Allah more! and whats greater then that?? as oppose to thinking we are never wrong and being arrogant and judgemental. Just go out there with your head held high and smile even if hes around he does not get to hurt you! not anymore.

  10. NL says:

    following on from what i have just said inshallah he will learn and realise how much he has hurt you, and i pray you can forgive him and no longer be darkened. Its so much harder to forgive if the person doesnt ask for it, i think thats the test.

    A calamity that makes you turn to Allah is better for you then a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah.

    –Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah

  11. Hurt and betrayed says:

    Alsalaamu alaikum
    Inshallah this message finds you in good health. I would like to thank Shaykh Ibn Taymiyyah for taking the time to respond to my post, I really appreciate it, in fact it brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for your duas. inshallah Allah(swt) will protect us all from those with impure intentions, and may He cleanse our souls and let us live in peace. One day the pain in my heart will stop, in this life or the next.
    Salaam.

  12. NL says:

    Hi. Im not the shaykh lol:) that was a quote from that person. Im just a normal woman like you who can relate. Im glad you found some comfort with what I’ve read:) I knw things will get better.

  13. NL says:

    inshallah

  14. zainal says:

    terima kasih.

  15. jawad says:

    ITX AWESOMELY GREAT

  16. muslim says:

    Assalaamu ‘alaikum dear brother/sister,

    I think that very few people know the hadeeth which was was narrated on the authority of Jaabir bin Abdullah (radhiallahu ‘anhu) in which he asked the Prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam): “Oh, Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam), which is the best (aspect) of Faith (Eemaan)?”

    The prophet (sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam) replied: “أفضل الإيمان الصبر و السماحة”

    “The Best (aspect) of Eemaan (faith) is patience and tolerance.” (Al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, no. 1495, 3/482; Ibn Abi Shaibah in “Al-Eemaan” pg. 43)

    To know more about the hadeeth and this topic of Tolerance in Islam, you should read this article: http://www.islamictreasure.com/?p=1379 “TOLERANCE IN ISLAM – A PART OF FAITH”

    JazakAllahu Khairan.

  17. Bibi says:

    This is so true may God give us the strength to follow this wonderful advice! It really touched my heart.

  18. Uzma Chaudhry says:

    Mashallah, this article has given me great strength. Thank you.

  19. hurt says:

    Salaam,

    A muslim brother has hurt me, said things i did know a muslim brother had the capability of saying, but i feel guilty, yes i did say things in anger in response to what had been said to me, but none of it was as close to what he had said to me. I feel guilty, hurt, upset, miserbale what do i do? Do i leave it be? Or do i make the first move?
    jazakallah

  20. Fatima says:

    It’s difficult cause we let embarrassment and pride and wrong advice take control to justify our stance but make the first move, be the bigger person and Allah will love you more for it. I was in the same boat. May Allah make it easy for us all.

  21. Dear All. I’ve found tremendous relief in this article and everybody’s testimonials. I wish to share my long story with you, I will try to make it short. I am a white Christian Afrikaner in my 30′s. At the age of 15 I met and fell in love with a coloured, married Muslim man. This happened whilst still in the depths of apartheid in South Africa. He was a rock for me in many ways as he compensated for an absent father and other troubles in my vulnerable teenage years. We also had a sexual relationship.
    I later left the country and was away for many years. I had no contact with him in that time and accepted we will never see one another again.
    Approximately a year ago he found me on facebook and I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. He told me that he was in absolute dire straights because he lost his job and nothing was available. He has a family of 2 children and they are suffering for real. That part is true. He then asked for money out of despiration with the promise of paying it back as soon as a certain other funds was going to be released. For the next year we went through a cycle of him despirately needing money – promise of payback when these funds are released – his children are suffering – he was about to loose his house (which I saved from reposession) – car payments (whcih I saved form reposession) – children’s school fees. I gave heartedly sometimes and disheartedly other times. When I confront him he simply insults me, denies it all, tells me that I’m no good and that I bother him because I have nothing else to do. He also uses my God’s name for swearing. When he needs me he puts honey around my mouth and uses Allah’s name as a promise to me.
    I’m now back in SA and have face-to-face contact with him. I’m trying to forgive him but I don’t know the process at all. I don’t know what Allah thinks about it.
    If someone is in absolute dire straights and he/she prays to his God/Allah and you as for a way to provide for your family and the pray is answered by bringing in a person with money who can help but you have to hold on to the infidility of a sexual relationship: Do you go to Mosque and say to Allah: thank you for providing me with a help line so I could save my family (meaning Allah has indeed answered your request): or do he say to Allah: forgive me for my repeated and repeated and repeated sin.
    How do your start the forgiveness process with Allah.
    What do I wish for him?
    Do I thank Allah that he’s given me the opportunity to help his children never mind the ‘screwing’ I had to go through.
    Do I wish for Allah to give him another financial gap so he can look back to the reality of the situation and come to some realization.
    Do I pray to get my money back?
    How can both parties move forward.
    Can Christians and Muslims find commen ground on the forgiveness issue?
    Will a Mosque accept a Christian to come for some religious guidance?
    Any answers are appreciated. I’m desperate for closure.

  22. melissa says:

    the situation that I just seriously went threw no longer than an hour ago has made me angry and upset and also made me cry!! The good part about it is that I wasn’t the bad guy in the situation I simply did not want to be bothered anymore and didn’t want to have anymore negativity in my life, since I’m in a point in my life where I’m focusing on islam, my son, and my familys future!! Anyone who wants to say bad things against me go ahead, because there will be justice that’s why I try my best to avoid it all! After I read this though I feel so much more at peace! Alhumduliallah (: it still bothers me a little but my heart no longer hurts with fear because I know allah swt has my back 100% if I forgive! And I have already forgiven!!

  23. Karima says:

    Just awhile i ago i ran into some bad news that made me upset, cry and angry about someone so close to my heart. And i have forgiven this person so many times in my life , but today was the last straw for me for this person. I dont know how to comprehend the fact that yes if i do forgive this person within myself and for the sake of Allah (swt), will this person ever change???? why do i have to forgive alll the time when this person contunies to hurt me and hurt me!! But reading this article has made my heart feel at ease a little but still i feel hurt and angry and all i can say is “ya allah u know best and how to deal with that person”… i have given up and i cant handle it anymore. Like “melissa” said, i have a family and my daughters i want to focus on and i am trying my best right now to make myself a better muslim… but when i get angry over this person tha contunies to hurt me i cannot control my anger….i dont like to be angry at all. i am not the bad person in this situation, i was lied to and i was played like a fool…. this whole time i was being fooled and taken advantage of my generousity…and it hurts. but i will forgive within my self and for HIS sake, ALLAHS sake… but i am not ready to face that person and tell them i forgive them without any appologies from that person.

  24. Nahida says:

    Salaam all

    to Estie de kock. I am deeply saddened by your experience specially from a ‘muslim’ man. From what you have written shows to me what kind of an amazing woman you are because of all! the questions you asked. There is no justification for what hes done. My sincere advise to you sister is look into Islam, read the koran. The fact that you dont judge the religion because of this one man shows what kind of a human being you really :)

  25. Nahida says:

    “verily with hardship comes relief”

    “whoever Allah wishes good for he inflicts them with hardship”

    theres many more but these 2 always! gives me comfort :)

    you are all in my prayers:)

  26. Nahida says:

    if the sister who wrote “hurt and betrayed” if you still look in this website, I will love to know how you are doing sister:)I pray you are happily with the man who deserves you

  27. Kirana says:

    It is very hard indeed to respond with forgiveness when you have been wronged. A related theme is the difficulty of responding with firmness when you are being harmed. I think the difficulty is related to the degree of love you hold for yourself – whether too much or too little.

    When your perspective of yourself is set in relation to Allah, then I think we will find we respond according to what Allah has advised for us, and will be content with it according to the degree of love we hold for Allah over ourselves. When we are being actively harmed we move to take measures to cease it without acrimony, and when we are wronged we can better forgive because the ego doesn’t prevent us from doing so. It’s one of those things that isn’t easy to understand, and then even harder to achieve.

  28. Cham says:

    Salam alaikum! Jazakillah for your article. Its helping with my healing process alhamdulillah!

    But how do I forgive those closest to me? I.e my mother who has my Jannah under her feet? Although the issue wasn’t directly due to any fault of her own..i still feel as if she has let me down as a (then) young child, same with my father :(. Allah knows i am not being self-righteous..i’m just a damaged and hurt child who is in a long and painful healing process. Would be great to hear anyone’s input in this.

    Thank you in advance. Wassalam.

  29. khadija says:

    As-salama alaikum, this is a very nice piece indeed. But i really need help, how does one forgive someone who isn’t sorry for what he/she did even though they know? And when you forgive someone, does it necessitate being friends again with that person or should one keep his distance since he/ she knows what that person is capable of? Please help me solve this dilemma, jazakallah khairan.

    • Re says:

      I understand you completely. I see people keep saying we should forgive if we want Allah to forgive us. But i dont see why we should have to make our lives miserable because of cruel people. to me forgiving means moving on and not dwelling on wrong people do but that doesnt mean i have to hold hands and skip down the road with these same people that continue to do wrong.

  30. seen alot of bad says:

    i hear betrayel,cheating,etc. by once a stranger now known…….i was brougt up in an abusive environment,no my mum is the most pious person i have seen””my father has always used my mother for his and his family’s benefit….they have tortured my mum emotionally,mentally,physically…i do’t think any other bad is left for him to do on my mum….now bcoz of some famlial problem..in which my mum is not at all involed..she is being victimised with black magic…he and his family tried so many times to kill my mum through black magic…but alhumdullilah Allah saved her each time….she has become so weak but still she is patient….i cant endure this pain anymore neither can my siblings….i cant in my heart find respect for my father and his family…it seems there is no end to this….i get haunted everytime with thougt of my mother dieing…ofcourse Allah is above all..someone tel me what should i do…my heart is scarred,burned down,cut throgh…..i’ve read so many articles regarding black magic….everywhere i see that the practioners of magic should be executed as they are kafirs..so is it that the magician should be killed along with the one asking for it…or only the magicians are kaafirs and executed…..at such a situation i find it impossible alost to forgive such human..oh!wait i’m insulting the word human..they r not…their evil is ever increasing !!!make dua for my mother my kind sister and brother’s

  31. Safe Network says:

    My mum and dad wont ever forgive me jst simply beacuse i left the house after my brother was abusive 2 me and i feared for my life. i have got married instead of doing wrong and spoke 2 my mum about it before but they did nt want me 2 marry my own choice. i went ahead and married bt nw mum sed she will never forgive me and jannat is at ur mothers feet will i ever go to jannat.

  32. Mishma says:

    Someone wronged me and am praying to ALLAH to punish her.will ALLAH answer my prayers?

  33. Broken & lost says:

    Sob7anAllah.

    Another who is heart-broken here and was deceived underhandedly.
    The unusual thing about my situation is that, despite being a romantic, I normally don’t give my heart so easily to anyone, because I was born with physical flaws and complications and unable to bear any children… Visiting hospitals throughout my life, but el7amdolillah 3la kol 7aal. I know this is my test and i’ve never resented Allah for it.

    I will be as brief as I possibly can: I’ve always seen dreams (or visions as a couple of friends call them) that tend to hint at things, I didn’t take notice of them at all, until this happened. I tend not to mention them because I know most instantly must think “crazy lady”.

    I dreamt once that I was married to a man, and stood on a roof garden of his beautiful home with him, I remembered details, his aura, where I was and the view from the balcony in front of me, and how amazing I felt and how i felt a sense of belonging to an amazing man… Something i’ve always longed for.
    I woke up crying and weeping wondering why I was shown something that I felt back then wasn’t such a possibility. (btw I’ve never even seen or been to this place or country before in wakefulness)

    About 2 years after I saw this, I was going through some medical issue that was being delayed, I felt frustrated and begged Allah to show me my soul mate that i’ve been longing for all along, yet I wasn’t sure I even had one.

    Days later, this man approached me on an online social site and started chatting to me, I automatically took a little liking to him for some reason, where as normally i dont trust so easily. Months later I noticed photographs of him and his home back in his home country…. Sob7anAllah It was the same rooftop, the same view from the balcony, the same man… But I didn’t mention anything because even though he’s a religious Muslim, I know most will not understand these deep matters because they’re outside this realm of so called “reality”. Nor did I encourage or because I left it to Allah.

    He decided we meet (in a public place) for coffee. The moment I saw him, I felt I knew him already from before, like I had met him before, but i know I haven’t. I felt in awe, never have I been treated nicely by a gentleman. We got on amazingly well. I have an inner child that keeps me going in hard times, i’m always laughing and smiling regardless. I have no idea how, it was beyond me but I fell for him.

    He went quiet yet more attentive with me in a certain way, I got the clear impression that he was interested yet didn’t want to have any sort of relationship with me, which was fine, I wanted marriage as I don’t do relationships. He give me clear hints that he was interested, for months… But at the same time I detected cynicism and the playing of games of emotional manipulation… I fell in love with him trying to convince him that I was not the sort of girl he may have thought and to try and get him to stop playing…..I automatically blame myself to see if i’ve done something wrong… he seemed cynical which he deemed as “accurate observation” in one of his favourite quotes.

    He lead me on and dropped me like a ton of bricks, why he did it, maybe he thought he would get reward from Allah for punishing a bad girl, after possibly getting a wrong impression… I don’t even know what I did exactly!!! It’s been almost 3 years now, we are no longer in contact and I have never contacted him after we agreed to break contact, I never once begged him to stay or even expected to be with him, just for him to give me the chance I deserved without the cynicism.

    I guess on the outside he must have seen me as a gold-digging, spoilt and shallow idiot who is healthy and has everything she wants in life. He always said that people concentrate too much on appearance, and when someone concentrates on looks they’re missing something important…. how ironic, maybe he should have followed his own ramblings… I barely want life, what am I going to do with wealth, gold or whatever he thought I wanted.

    I didn’t even have full expectations, I just wanted to get to know him a little so there was that tiny little less chance of him saying “No” when I broke the news to him that I cannot bear children and that i’m not born perfect.

    Recently, I indirectly found out now that he’s engaged and my heart still aches…I would have been happy for him had it not been for the games….. I am just a chew toy for him that he played with and threw away for the sake of his ego…. I forgive him by tongue but i’m not responsible for what my heart wishes for, may Allah forgive me but I even find myself cursing him for playing with my heart and letting me blame myself for everything and making me almost completely kill my inner child, which gets me through life.

    He won, he’s probably married, happy and fulfilled and here I am, mocked, wounded and praying to not exist any longer… I lost….

    I don’t know what to make of all this, I sometimes feel Allah loves him more than me, that i’ve done something seriously wrong that i’m not aware of…or maybe that there isn’t actually anyone for me…. Wallah i just don’t know anymore. I didn’t even ask for all this!

    May Allah not harm his family, health or profession but I cannot stop praying for Allah to curse his heart with extreme heartache and sorrow for my sake, the very agony which i’m in now and have been for the past 3 years which i don’t …know why i cannot let go of! And may Allah forgive me for feeling this way, I am normally merciful towards others but this has gone beyond me, I feel it from the soul.

    I’m so sorry for the length of this, but whoever reads this… I urge you to please look a little deeper and not judge people on surface value. Someone could appear healthy and fortunate or even arrogant but be otherwise. (After all, i’m hardly going to put a sign on my head that i’m depressed, I always try to be positive)

    half my life has gone (maybe most of it, who knows) and i cannot bear children, i’ve been told that all i’m good for is to be a second wife….. i’d rather die alone than watch my husband enjoy children and favour his first wife…. if this is my only option i hope Allah takes me sooner rather than later.

    May Allah bless all those brothers and sisters who are heart broken.
    And may Allah sustain me till the end by Himself.
    Ameen ya rabby

    • seen alot of bad says:

      asalam alaikum sister,
      i make dua that your pain and anguish reduces and u r elevated!!i don’t know how it feels to go through such a pain …but yes i’ve tasted pain in my life in a very different way ..all i would like to say is to: have hope ,don’t pressurize yourself…no matter how unbearable this life could get…bad days will come to an end..and this world is not worth the wing of a mosquito!!make dua that ur able to accept your fate..maybe that man was wrong for u..and someone better awates u!!by the passage of time everything would be fine inshallah!!
      everybody has some problem or other but differs in nature & degree…..just bcoz everything is not well..we think bad things happen only to us..& others are all happy and set in their life…life is a test we’re all struggling in one way or other..may Allah help us all in our short-lived journey..to come as winners!!overcoming fright, affliction inshallah

  34. samir says:

    iam a muslim brother im living wid my family my mother,my sister and my younger brother we hv been living happily together but for the last wo months my sister has not spoken any conversation with me because i noticed of her behaviours which was following boys and allowed herself to be touched even infront of her cousins she didnt fear and my cousin feared her so much that even telling my mother they didnt because even if they told her she could not agree at all so my cousins were giving me the information about i did investigation since then i went on and told my mother en since that day she had never talked with me and my mother failed to unite us i really need your advice coz i love my family and i love my sister so much and i hope Allah brings us together before ramadhan

  35. Mana says:

    Assalam Alaikum,
    I came across this article from a friend and although the message means well, I don’t know how to remove the anger from my heart. Two months ago my mother passed away from cancer. I watched her and helped as much as I could. Many people prayed for her, from different faiths as well. However I noticed my mom was in a lot of pain, not only from cancer but the betrayal of her family. Her mother left her in 7 days. Her sisters played games around her. Her father and brothers would constantly say that the reason my mother had cancer was because she committed a sin and God was punishing her. And they claimed the sin was that my mother didn’t give them more money. For her last 6 months, from the beginning of her diagnosis they had constantly emotionally blackmailed her and never gave her positive support, in fact they blamed her for just a out everything. My mom loved God and forgive them time and time again, much before her sickness. I am turning 20 soon and since I was 8 they had always troubled my mom. So when she got sick they treated her even worse. Never visited the hospital, constantly reminded of her death and other cruel things. And they knew my mother loved them so much and would go back to them no matter how they treated her. And the only reason my mom would go back to them was because she feared ALLAH (SWT) more. But when she got sick she really wanted them to be with her, supporting like a family. But they did many cruel things. My mom had called them a few days before her death to come and talk to her while she still could talk. They refused to come. It was only the day she died that they decided to come and by that time she couldn’t even breathe let alone talk. But their cruelness didn’t end there. My aunts, her sisters had an attitude with me and while my dad and brothers were not present, only me and my aunts, my mother’s younger sister decides to take a picture of my mother’s face. She is dead with blood coming out of her nose and when I ask her what she was doing 3 times she gave me an attitude saying its for my grandmother. The same person who left my mother in 7 days an went back home to badmouth my mom! Who takes a picture of a dead person???? Only a few hours after that have died??? My mother didnt want her picture taken during her sickness and certainly not of her death.

    I could go on but I will summarize. I feel very betrayed by the term family. For all my years, all they had ever cared about was what was going on in my house. For years my mother’s family especially her sister who is married to my day’s brother had constantly defamed my mom with lies during her life and after. Only one day after my mom died she starts telling me all the ‘bad things’ my mom did. Who does that??? And all of it is hearsay without my mother to defend herself.

    For years this specific aunt was the reason for many conflicts in my house. And I’m at the point where I just boil up in anger when I think about my mom and how much they hurt her and how they don’t even realize it! There are many many things and I really can’t stand their existence. I forgave them for my mom’s sake because that’s what she wanted but it’s two months now and I don’t want anything to do with them. I won’t get angry or upset if I know they are non existent in my life anymore. I don’t want their calls, their pity, their presence nothing. I don’t want to repeat what my parents had been doing the past 13 years or so. Forgive and forget and the cycle repeats. I get irritated a lot. Today my uncle, my dad’s bro married to my mom’s sister came. He was looking for info on what’s going on in my household. He came uninvited and only my dad meet with him (I can’t pick up their phone calls or meet them because I don’t want to). He dropped off too much unnecessary food. And honestly good isn’t going to repair the damage.

    I want to move on without ever having to remember their existence ever again. I don’t want to meet them, talk to them nothing. Let me remind you there is so much more, if they had done something right, where their actions and words showed my mother that they loved her during her life then perhaps I wouldn’t be so upset. But they didn’t, my mother believed to the end of her life that her family didnt love her, envied her happiness and took joy in her sickness. Her worst fear was this dream where her mothers and sisters were laughing because my mother is all alone. Do you know how hard it is to see your mother in so much pain and can do nothing???? This is the month of Ramadan but I seriously can’t forgive and forget. I don’t want the anger but I want to sever the ties. They had many many chances but in every chance, even the small ones they have failed so much. I have never been more disappointed and upset.

    I’m stuck. My dad says to take it slowly and to not outwardly sever the ties but what’s the point at this point??? After all this, nothing is okay. People don’t change. For more than 13 years my mother believed this ideal, that with kindness people change but they don’t. And I frankly believe this idea doesn’t apply to relatives such as these. They have forgotten their own lies and believe them to be the truth now.

    I can’t face them with kindness. I can’t give them respect anymore. It’s against my nature to behave like this and my mother has always raised me to be good, but it hurts me so much. I don’t agree with this idea, I’m sorry. I can’t.

  36. confused. says:

    I am not a muslim but from what I can understand is that we all make mistakes, no one is free of mistakes. Time is a great healer and what appears to be a distressing situation for us currently will one day be a memory that will not be so pronounced.
    I came across this article as I am trying to find an answer to my problem. I am a married woman with 3 beautiful children, I love my family very much. I work in the evenings and I have a lot of muslim friends. In particular a wonderful male muslim friend (who I now think is not so wonderful).
    We sit and discuss family, religion, life and more. I have worked with him for 5 years. He is married and has 3 children who are similar ages to my own, so we have a lot in common. He has always told me that if we had met when we were young we would be together. He has always been kind and good towards me. I have kept him at arms length and have never led him on. Over the past year or so he has been texting me and tells me he think about me all the time and he’s looking forward to seeing me at work. I will.admit that I enjoy his company. It has grown from there. I would never take it further than where I am. He has been texting me telling me he loves me etc. I will admit that I do have some sort of feelings for him but not love. All of a sudden after I tell him I do care for him and he tells me he loves me. He carries on even though I have told him that this is wrong. He continues to message me and I respond. Then it all stops because I tell him that it’s inappropriate. I know that I have done the right thing. I feel stupid for falling for him. I feel he has made a fool of me. I am angry that I have let myself be treated in such a way where I have let my heart take over my head. I can not forgive him. I have deleted his number and any method we had to chat. He wants to stay friend but I fear if we do he will continue his advances when he chooses.
    Please offer me some form of advice. I feel guilty and bad but it was not me who initiated the situation.
    I do however feel better that I have shared my problem and hope any advice is positive.
    Thank you.

    • Seeker says:

      Dear Friend,
      The Devil comes in all forms, even in the form of a caring friend but leads you down the wrong path. The Devil tugs at everyone especially through the illusion of a person who will love us so much that we will feel complete and whole.

      You did the right thing. Anyone who is ready to violate their marital bonds and make you do the same is dangerous for your well being in this world and the hereafter.

    • muslimah says:

      “confused.”, I can understand what you have gone through, but consider it a good thing that you stopped things where you stopped them. I can understand the feeling where you might find the perfect person even after marriage and kids, but you have to understand that the messages from Quran, the teachings are basically to safeguard you. I know you are not a muslim, but the you can relate with this that what if this man would have tried to advance physically with you and then gone away saying that it was inappropriate? It would have been even more difficult to recover at that time.
      We think that we will not fall into this but Shaitan has his ways. In today’s world, often when we find a friend who cares and for whom we care, the attachment is there and so it hurts to let go of such people, but it is better than to complicate this situation and trust me things do get complicated as they are not in the realm of the legal boundaries defined or us.

      Give him time to understand that it’s better that this relationship doesn’t continue in its present form. If it is Allah’s will, he will return just as a true friend with defined boundaries and you might discover a new friend in him.

      It’s natural to feel that someone has made a fool out of you, but think about it. Both of you were involved in this. He’s as human as you are. Forgive him and ask Allah to forgive you too.

      As for you, you can invest your time in your children and their well being. Be calm and tolerant if he approaches you. Explain your boundaries clearly. You need to be firm and not rude or hurtful or angry. It was something where both of you were at fault. If he was a good friend, he would have stopped if you would have been real angry the first time he expressed himself and then given yourselves some time to get things on the “friend” level. Somewhere you too have faltered by letting him express his feelings over and over again. Ask Allah for forgiveness and also to guide you.

      These things happen and you also overcome them, no matter how hopeless things seem. The same person you today think you can’t forgive, will become the example in your life where you will see that Allah did help you forgive.

  37. ayee says:

    I really feel bad today because someone I considered dear to me has bad-mouthed me with words beyond offensive. Shukran for this article. It’s a good thing Islam teaches PATIENCE and FORGIVENESS, EVEN IF THEY’RE NOT SORRY. I feel at peace now on what to do. Shukran again

  38. Kiran says:

    My problem is that previously I used to forgive a person and I didn’t replied her for her wrong doings but the problem was that I felt so bad for myself and couldn’t concentrate on my studies etc….the worst part was that she kept on doing offensive things 2wards me because she I will not answer and will tolerate….but with age when I get matured and gained confidence I started rely lying her in her own ways cuz I knew I was not wrong and with even her behaviour changed ….. I feel more relaxed now because I don’t take any bad behaviour now… But the problem is I think that Allah asks to forgive and not to answer and take revenge which I am doing now…. But if I don’t she keeps on doing miserable things and making my life harder …..there is no way I can simply ignore her as we live in the same house………….so am I doing right now or I was right before by not answering her and making my own life miserable???????please someone help

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  40. Seeker says:

    I think there is a difference between forgiveness and forgetting/pretending that someone’s tendency for hurting you doesn’t exist and giving that person another chance to hurt you again.

    If we know that someone had a tendency to use us, then we can let go of what has happened in the past but not give that person a chance to do it again. If someone losses their temper and abuses you verbally, best thing is to not be around the. Subjecting ourselves to cruelty is not noble.

    • amatullah says:

      “Subjecting ourselves to cruelty is not noble”. I totally agree with you, your comment hit the nail on the head. Alhamdulilah, this article has provided me with solace and comfort at a time of great need. May Allah (swt) give us all the capacity to forgive those who may have wronged us and may He put forgiveness towards for us into the hearts of others.

  41. sana says:

    i have hurt someone badly and i am in very much guilty.I have been asking for forgiveness from ALLAH & the person whom i have hurt.This person is hurt badly & is not ready to forgive.This thing is hurting me a lot & has brought mr in lots of pain.Evils thoughts are coming on my mind.I am not able to take this burden.How should i make this person forgive me?

    • Free Soul says:

      What you are doing is admitting what you did wrong, it takes a lot of courage to do this and I find it admirable, it is what Allah loves most in people, humility.
      This is a test and life lesson for you. If you really want to make up and this person doesn’t accept your contact, keep praying, have patience and you will inshaAllah get your chance in the right time, when you are ready and also when this person is ready to forgive.
      All the best and rest assured you have a sister here saying a prayer for you too.

  42. sana says:

    Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi barakatuh.
    thnk u so mch 4 ur helpful suggestion.Bt i wna let u knw that ths person hd promised 2 marry me & now as al this hs happened.he jst left me alone.i cnt tk the whole blame on me.i knw i hv hurt hm bt he only hd created al those situation 4 me.i feel he hd already planned 2 live me.thts y hs jst put the al blame on me.he alrdy knws tht m so guilty of wat i did bt al in vain.i jst begged hm nt 2 leave me like ths as many prblm wl arise.its jst the begining bt he is nt ready 2 listen & jst tld me simply its over.i am nt able 2 take ths.please i need prayers 4m u al 2 help me overcome this.Allah forgives bt i feel like 2 suicide.what wl i say 2 my ammi & my family.he hd made a promise to my family.bt nw..

    • Free Soul says:

      Wa3leikum Assalam
      No situation, unless it’s oppression, has the blame on one person,
      i’m currently going through the same but different circumstances, marriage was agreed upon but has just broke off. It’s hard when you feel love for the man, true feelings are not in our control. He played immature games, his mistake, but I let myself get irritated, my mistake.
      Accept destiny dear, maybe you both arent right for each other, or maybe just not at the moment. Allah only knows, i’d be lieing if I said death wasn’t appealing at times because heartbreak is excruciating. , suicide, losing eternity is not worth this problem which I promise will one day seem less significant, have patience, learn from your mistakes and spend time with Allah. This is the time when the doors of your heart are open, the door of closeness to Allah.
      Pray your heart out and yours tears but don’t despair. i’m telling myself all this as well as telling you. This is the test of our faith in Allah, He makes things appear out of place, so our mind goes into panic. But find that calmness in your heart, that tells you that everything will be okay. Everything else will be sorted out. A temporary calamity is a blessing compared to a lifelong or eternal catastrophy and regret. My prayers are with you dear.

      • hurt, betrayed & lost says:

        Assalamualaikum,

        I have come across this article and it hit me. I’m in the same boat with you in that i was involved with a married co-worker.

        I’m sister who going to hit 30 soon and all my life I have not been in any relationship. I have always vouched that i would never get involved with a married man nor a co-worker. However, After several months of constant chasing from him,i found myself in a relationship with him. He told me about his pathetic story how his relationship and his wife is bad and that they keep fighting even to the extent of going to divorce. Being the stupid and soft hearted me, I stupidly blindly believe whatever he told me. From the onset, i felt so much ashamed and guilt of myself and kept on promising myself that i would put a complete stop to it before it went any further but blame it on proximity and my own weakness to keep believing him everytime we broke he keep asking me back, one thing led to another and almost everybody in the office knows we were together.

        A few months in it after so hard I try to guard my heart from falling, he told me about our future together how he want to get married with me etc despite I keep telling him its impossible but he insist on it. But after he make me fall hard, he just left me and say he going to come back to Allah & now i know he still with his wife after he have corrupted my mind till I lose focus on my job. I’m not angry at him for going back to Allah but what I’m angry is that if he still love his wife so much why manipulate my feeling and keep pursing me and try to mess my life up? It drove me mad cus if he didn’t pursue me too hard, i wouldn’t have been involved with him talk-less of losing my dignity and my concentration on my job. Lord knows how i was struggling to remain chaste till God gives me a good Muslim husbands and how I’m motivated to work hard after I have been fired from my previous job. And now this happen, I am not perfect, but i strive to be as modest and chaste as i can. Lord knows this has always been my jihad. Thanks to his selfishness, I have to give up the job that I like and now I’m like lost puppy searching for suitable career for me.

        I have told him a lot of times that I will never forgive him even until I die and instead of asking sincere forgiveness from me, he told me I can claim from him for what he have done to me in the hereafter. I know I should forgive him if I want Allah to have mercy on me and forgive me but I feel so despair and sad as though that my forgiveness is like nothing to him. He have went for Umrah does it mean Allah have forgive him already without him asking forgiveness from me after what he have done to me and put me in so much agony? It has already been 2 years and I still angry and cant forgive him for what he have done to me. Sometimes, I can’t help to feel that Allah hate me so much just because I can’t forgive him yet and that why I’m still in the dark tunnel don’t know where to go and still living with regret now.

        • muslimah says:

          It’s surprising how many people go through similar situations throughout the world today. Somewhere I feel the issue is also the lack of education regarding the teachings of Quran that need to be bestowed upon us before we move out into this world.

          “hurt, betrayed & lost”, I do understand your frustation. It’s amazing how people use the teachings of Islam to move out of situations saying that they are doing this for Allah and forget that Allah has also asked us to be good to our neighbours. I know his coldness must have hurt you, leaving you angry. In fact, you feel that it would have been easier had he helped you understand things rather than just cutting off. Some advices that I have read on the internet also seem to suggest that just break away from the source of the sin as if the other human being has no feelings. People really need to broaden their understanding of Islam.
          I do not mean to say that you were right. You were in the wrong relationship. This doesn’t mean that Allah may not have punished this man. You do not know what has been going on in his life. What you do know is that this person is gone. It’s upto Allah what happens to him and what doesn’t. By staying angry at him you are not allowing yourself to be forgiven by Allah as you are not concentrating on your fogiveness from Allah. The relationship was not halal. It never had Allah’s blessings. As of now, ask Allah to forgive you for whatever wrong you have done. Try and remove this man’s name and mention from your prayers altogether except when it is to ask for his forgiveness too. You can’t immediately help what thoughts come to your mind but you can definitely control what thoughts you act on.

          If you believe in Allah truly then you have to believe that Allah is just and he will not let you be treated unjustly. I understand that we as humans want justice in this duniya itself and are impatient and the fact that everyone will be treated justly in the Hereafter does not always give us solace, but that is what you have to concentrate on.

          When feeling too angry you can repeat to yourself ” Truly to Allah we belong and to Him we shall return” and pray to Allah to reward you for your hardship (which can be by wiping your sins too.. it is best known to Allah SWT) and to replace your loss with something better.

          Life, people, love, friends etc in this duniya are temporary and a means to the Akhirat.

          As humans, we are bound to feel emotions. 2 years is a long time and no one knows this more than you. What’s gone is gone and it will return if and when it has to. If the job was great, it will return to you, may be in an even better form. You have to believe that Allah doesn’t hate you. You have to believe in Allah’s love. Rectify your ways. Gather your good deeds. Do good. I know you must have been pretty much involved if you still feel the anger, so now try and involve yourself for Allah’s sake. Do zikr (remembrance of Allah), update yourself on Islamic teachings, and pray to Allah to better your way of life. Target on yourself and not on someone who is no longer around you. Stop regretting and try and forgive yourself. Tell yourself that you were meant to make mistakes in this lifetime and turn to Allah for help. Start getting a grasp on your life. It might take time but you’ll be happy again InshaAllah.

  43. sana says:

    Assalamu alaikum.I would like u all to know that with the blessings of Allah subhana taala & all of your prayers things have got wel.Thank u all for your wonderful dua.
    jazak allah khair my friends.

  44. Amatullah says:

    I don’t know if anyone is still responding on this thread but I am trying to convince myself that I should forgive and be forgiven to no avail. I sm 18 years old, I have never had a relationship with my father despite him living with us. He has been cold and merciless to me and my siblings all our lives. They have all grown up, married and left. I am the youngest and my parents are now elderly. I am expected to care for them and I have to the nest of my abilities for the last 2 years. Today after a petty argument with my mother she said that I do not care for her or my father and that I am a bad child. This hurt me so much that I shouted at her and told her that I have endured a heartless father and now a heartless mother. I didn’t really mean it, how could I when this woman, my mother raised us on her own and suffered abuse from my father? I feel ashamed, so ashamed and yet angry too. I don’t even know who I am angry with, I have no one to lament to, my siblings don’t understand and I know they frequently discuss how I cannot care for my parents properly. I feel ungrateful and at the same time unappreciated. I see that a sister said cruelty to oneself does not make one noble but what if I hate myself without the intention to be noble? I don’t know how to mend my relationship with my mother, it’s deteriorating and I am so scared one day it will be too late to fix things. I don’t know how to forgive myself for all the pain I’ve caused others and for being a stubborn, aggressive child. Please someone help me.

    • Free Soul says:

      It sounds as if there is a lot of passing the buck going on, a lot of blame being passed around and you seem to be the unfortunate one, especially being the youngest.
      Your mother must be frustrated not only with her age and issues but also the callus nature of your father too, so she is lashing out.
      The problem is that people are rarely willing to see something from the other’s point of view. I don’t know what to suggest exactly, but to hang in there, stick up for yourself but don’t lose your cool. I’ve learned that anger helps very little, the moment we shout the other shut their ears, but when we’re actually calm when we’re expected to shout, you’d be surprised how much this baffles people.
      Try not to let it make you bitter, Allah is putting you through a test and it’s a diffcult one too. Hang in there. If non of this helps, just take this one thing from me:
      There is no reason for you to hate yourself. What you are doing, looking after your parents is actually quite admirable, regardless of how they were to you and even if they are callus with you, the bigger the test more love from Allah you will receive later on, He always makes up for the testing.
      You are in my prayers dear.

  45. barkha says:

    I m going through a difficult time in my life and my problem s has made me loose my patience but after reading this article and seeing my fiancee who always taught me how great is Allah and that there is no limit for his forgiveness it has touched me inshallah i will change and change for better and Allah will save me.

  46. Mohammad atiullah says:

    Insha’allah

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