Want Your Marriage to Last? Get Premarital Counseling
I spent my time at a recent wedding listening to people’s marriage problems. As the guests danced the night away in celebration, I sat in the back of the hall talking about shattered dreams and unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes, we had to scream to hear each other over the music. There was the young woman whose husband wouldn’t let her finish her education. Then, a friend wanted advice about dealing with her in-laws. And a mother cried as she shared her worries about welcoming her daughter home as a divorcee.
What a night! The reception ended with the passing of favors and du`a’ (supplication) for the newlyweds. I remember making extra du`a’ for the bride and groom. Dear God, please bless them with a lasting and healthy union. Ameen. I left the wedding in deep thought and had trouble falling asleep that night. I was so moved by the irony of that experience.
In just the past few months, a significant number of marriages in my community have ended in divorce. I know many more couples are on the verge of separation. Don’t get me wrong. I personally believe that divorce can be a healthier, and sometimes necessary, option. But why are so many marriages ending so soon? What needs to change to foster a culture of commitment and responsibility?
All the stories shared with me that night had a common theme: None of the couples had premarital counseling before they got married. No one had prepared them for the challenges of marriage, and many of their problems stemmed from issues that were not discussed before the wedding. A recent study1 about divorce in the Muslim community found that none of the divorced men and women in the study had formal premarital counseling, other than a brief meeting with an imam. Many of them wished they had been offered more extensive premarital counseling, and that they had easier access to counseling services once they were married and experiencing problems. It’s a sad testimony to the lack of marriage preparation in our communities.
When a couple announces their engagement, we rush to celebrate. Have we stopped to consider how much preparation and support the new couple will need for this decision of a lifetime? How many couples truly know what they’re getting into when they’re smiling for pictures on their wedding day? The love and excitement of the new relationship often blinds them from comprehending the reality that marriage is a sacred covenant with God. Wouldn’t it make sense to prepare for this spiritual partnership?
How is it that we invest so much time, money, and energy preparing for the wedding celebration and not for the marriage? We consider the smallest details for that special evening; yet we ignore the essential reason for our celebration—a commitment to spend a lifetime with another human being. As one woman said to me, “I had two months to plan for the wedding. I was in love, and didn’t have time to think about any issue!”
Many couples mistakenly believe that they don’t need counseling before marriage and that conflict should be avoided. However, a certain level of conflict is healthy and necessary, and premarital counseling can offer an opportunity to discuss potential problematic issues.
Consider premarital counseling before you make a commitment for marriage. According to Lisa Kift2 , a marriage and family therapist, premarital counseling will help you:
- Discuss role expectations. It’s important to talk about the responsibilities of each partner in marriage – who will take care of the finances, chores, etc? Discussing roles early on will clarify expectations for the future.
- Explore your spiritual and religious beliefs. What are your views on music, hijab, zabiha meat, and following a certain madhab (school of thought)? Discussing these issues ahead of time will help determine your compatibility and help you learn to manage different opinions.
- Identify any family of origin issues. Much of what we learn about relationships comes from our parents and other family members. Identifying our early influences and discussing our learned behaviors will help us understand how this might play out in marriage.
- Learn communication and conflict resolution skills. Couples that communicate effectively can resolve conflicts more effectively. This will allow you to spend less time arguing and more time understanding.
- Develop personal, couple, and family goals. You are committing to share a life with someone. Isn’t it important to discuss what you want your future to look like together? Where do you want to be in three years? How many children do you want to have? Outlining a plan for life can be a wonderful way to learn about each other and to strengthen your commitment to each other.
Premarital counseling can protect couples from much heartache and conflict. Since prevention is central to our deen, many imams and community leaders now require premarital counseling and education prior to the marriage ceremony—a guaranteed investment in happier couples and healthier marriages.
What’s your take?
- Do you think that premarital counseling would be helpful to prospective spouses?
- What issues should be covered/ discussed in premarital counseling?
- How can couples be encouraged to attend premarital counseling?
Share your thoughts below.
- Macfarlane, J. (2012). Understanding Trends in American Muslim Divorce and Marriage: A Discussion Guide for Families and Communities. Available from http://ispu.org/pdfs/ISPU%20Report_Marriage%20II_Macfarlane_WEB.pdf [↩]
- Adapted from Getting Married? 6 Great Reasons to Get Premarital Counseling
http://family-marriage-counseling.com/mentalhealth/getting-married-6-great-reasons-to-get-premarital-counseling.htm [↩]
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great article mash’Allah
reminds me of the book ” Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married” by Munira Ezzeldine…
I thought of a similar book by Hedaya Hartford entitled “Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage.” I think it’s critical for people considering marriage to spend time going through books like these, attending seminars / classes, seeking advice from married couples, and as Amal is recommending, exploring premarital counseling.
If anyone’s interested, here are links to the two books:
Initiating and Upholding an Islamic Marriage by Hedaya Hartford
http://www.amazon.com/Islamic-Marriage–Intiating-Upholding-Hartford/dp/9957230638/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1328594413&sr=8-6
Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married
http://www.amazon.com/Before-Wedding-Questions-Muslims-Getting/dp/0974295019/ref=pd_vtp_b_4
Excellent eye opener. I had just passed thru a potential groom who had a difficulty communicating. I tried my best to be patient and believed it was nervousness. Now I see it was a major red flag that we werent compatible due to communication problems. I am more open to dicussion but this potential groom believes that meeting someone for once or twice then praying istikhara to make a disicion which i thought was a bit odd
Al hamdulillah ala kulli haal
Wasalaam
wow! i wish i had taken more time to think things through before i got married. everything was so rushed and my vision was blurred by everyone ranting and raving about how great my husband and his family were. my husband sounds exactly like this potential groom u looked into. we met a few times and did istikhara but had no real communication and i accepted that it was ok. being the girl, i didnt want to seem so forward and say ‘i want more time to get to know him better’. i thought people might think badly of me!! now i wish i really had! i guess its too late.
finally. this is an issue that needs to be addressed. insha’Allah, i plan to act on this when my kids are ready to be married. isn’t the whole purpose to learn from our lives and pass it onto our kids?
Jazakallah khair for raising this very important issue! I completely agree that premarital counseling is a very useful tool for ensuring a succesful marriage. I love the point that you made that some people spend lots of time planning the wedding but not really planning for the rest of their married lives.
Perhaps if our communities weren’t so obsessed with squashing anything that even hints at “inappropriate communication” between genders, prospective couples could naturally get to know each other at least a little before committing themselves for the rest of their lives. If the conversation between the two BEGINS with “so I want to marry you…” you cannot expect the subsequent interactions, with all that pressure and weight, to be truly forthcoming.
i totally agree with you. i feel like all these shaykhs who give lectures on marriage are very unrealistic with how they present getting to know someone. No lecture really delves into the issue of compatibility..
I feel like a fool for believing in the whole dating comes after marriage concept! I myself didnt believe that a prospective husband should be visiting so many times without an official engagement. so just a mere 2 meeting we agreed to an engagement, bc lets face it, how many more questions can you ask??…and of course once an engagement is announced the families rush to plan the wedding.
I would like to tell anyone who is on the way to marriage that please dont believe that you will have a list of questions, ask them and hear an answer and it is that easy to decide if you will get married to that person or not. You will be living with this person, take time to get to know them, ask the person’s family how they are, go out to eat, and see them in different environments other than in your house trying to impress you.
And yes, marriage is just as complicated as everyone says it is and you will not be immune to this bc you are so in looove with each other.
Well said, alhamdulillah. A few years ago some of our friends thought it would be wonderful to put a pre-marital packed together for the Imam to use prior to performing the nikkah.
It could simply be a booklet that each couple reads with some worksheets and discussion points. Once they have both read the booklet and have had their discussion then the imam would perform their nikkah.
Rabia
I completely agree. If I had read this article 8 months ago before I got married, I would have said that pre-marriage counseling is beneficial, but not necessary, hence I didn’t actively pursue it for me or my spouse. Now after 8 months of marriage, while alhamdulillah things are going well, I must say that pre-marriage counseling should be a must for couples looking for a spouse.
No one ever told me how hard marriage is! After marriage, and after my talking to friends/family about certain doubts, that is when everyone tells me the first year of marriage is the hardest and things will get better. I keep thinking: why didn’t anyone tell me this before?! Maybe it would have helped prepare me mentally for all of the changes and rough patches that come with being a newly-wed couple. There are so many factors and adjustments that a couple has to go through after marriage, and I understand now why marriage is half of our deen; it puts all of the qualities that we as Muslims tend to espouse to the test, such as patience, gratitude, trust in Allah, respect for parents and families etc.
So my advice to anyone looking for a spouse is to follow the advice given in this article. It will help create a forum of on-going communication between you and your potential spouse and give you a both a vision for what you hope your married life to be like, inshallah. It won’t get rid of all the tests that come in marriage, but will make them more manageable and put them in perspective for you as you both start your new life together. Jazakillah khayr sister Amal for a great article!
shukran for this valuable article. many married sisters i know are suffering in their marriages because they were too smug about getting married 10 years ago, and did not take into consideration that marriage is a long-term commitment. now, 10 years later, they wish they were single. premarital discussions is important to have a solid marriage. insha allah, i wish our ummah a lifetime of blessed and happy marriages.
It’s also very sad when one partner is desperate for counseling/therapy but their spouse refuses because they “just don’t believe in it” or are too “old fashioned” or think that it’s not the “muslim way”. I think more people would enter into counseling/therapy if they were aware of other couples that have used it successfully to navigate their troubled relationship. But again…it’s like admitting to the fact that your relationship needed help and I don’t think people are comfortable with that…myself included. My husband and I have used it, but I would feel very shamed if this was public knowledge.
Good article, Alhamdullillah.
Premarital counseling or courses may help.
However as time passes, certain thing that was learnt will be forgotten.
Continual learning in Islam which foster Islam as way of life will insyaallah create a continuous and blissfull married life. Hence, a way of life in Islam for both husband & wife (continuously), inshallah will be the ultimate solution.
There was divorce among the Companions radi Allahu anhum, and they were the most upon the way of Islam.
Islam calls upon us to learn in all aspects of life for success. Preparing for marriage is a path to Islamic knowledge. simply memorizing more classical fiqh books or taking more classes will not magically solve anything, regardless of how religious two people are.
it takes hard work and practicing those things learned so that they become habits.
excellent article sr.Amal. May Allah swt bless and reward you!
Assalam alaikum wr wb,
I couldn’t agree more with this article. At this time more than any when we’re preparing for our wedding, I feel our elders are leaving us out in the cold and we have no one who will take us seriously. I feel we are going into the most important commitment of our lives with very little idea of what to expect and a lot of very false notions. Sitting down and talking things out with someone who knows what the most common problems are in the first year of marriage would soothe a lot of my worries for sure.
Jzk for the article. I think pre-marital counselling would be a real boon for young couples.
So…any counsellors in the house?
Wassalam and Fee Amanillah,
Sabina.
اسلام عليكم
I really do think that pre-marital counseling is essential. I wish I had such advice and counseling when I was getting married – that was 16 years ago.
Wow!!… 16 years? To me, that’s an achievement.
Pre-Marital education is important. Preventative and strategic education in the form of workshops or activities for youth (not just facts) but practical issues like this article will be of high benefit
Excellent article Amal mashaAllah. Premarital counseling should be mandatory. Period And to that list of areas to be discussed should be the legal ramifications of marriage. There are so many legal rights AND RESPONSIBILITIES that trigger the moment you sign that dotted line – be it a nikkah contract or a civil contract. So many people have unresolved legal issues they bring in to marriage (debt collection, previous child custody or divorce, immigration issues, previous incarceration, current probation, etc.) Throughout my legal practice I have found that most people don’t have a single clue about the legalities of marriage. This ignorance is not blissful.
Furthermore,we need to encourage more brothers and sisters to go into the fields of counseling. Effective counseling is a science and requires education not just good intentions.
as some of you said, in our community we have zero knowledge about this issue and don’t think its necessary, and sometimes when you realize you need help your partner says we don’t need it and you are so desperate to get help. our scholar should help us do it because as a Muslim that is where we get help when we need it.
I am new to the Muslim community but am surprised that per marital counciling is not more common, especially since most couples don’t know each other well enough before marriage. I agree with the previous comment that we shouldn’t be so adverse to letting couples get to know each other. Let me tell you, anyone can say what someone wants to hear for a couple months and impress families. But it is much harder to disguise after several months of talking and getting to know each other. I thInk counciling can help in this area as well to bring to light true feelings and desires in life. You don’t want to get stuck with someone who is pulling the wool over your eyes or just incompatible.
I totally believe that pre marital counseling is necessary
when we get into marriage we hardly know what is going to befall us even if we have some idea it may not necessarily be enough.
If we would be taught as to how to communicate with our spouses, in laws better it would be a great help.
it is important to encourage young people who are going into the sanctity of marriage to attend pre marital counseling.
JAK for sharing this article! As the author of “When Muslim Marriage Fails: Divorce Chronicles and Commentaries” (Amana, 2010), I agree that we need to address this issue of declining marriages with prevention in the form of premarital counselling. We are in the process of opening such a center here in NJ in the Spring insha’Allah and pray that Allah (swt) will make it a benefit to all bi’ithnillah. JAK again for shedding light on this issue!
Wonderful! Thanks to the author for this article and for welcoming comments. Yes to all of the above.
It would be useful to investigate best practices in this area, including what other faith based groups do.
For example, the catholic church has very detailed marriage preparation programs that even include detailed discussion of their approved family planning methods! Some of the programs have features like having couples who have been married for several decades mentor engaged couples.
The Gottman Relationship Institute offers a lot of workshops and materials based on scientific research about what makes marriages last.
Just some ideas – the point is that we should make sure that the pre-marital counseling is well-researched, uses best practices, and is effective.
I really liked the comment about teaching the legal aspects of marriage too. Plus financial training, budgeting. And finally it is imperative that couples get some understanding about conflict resolution, divorce procedures and custody before they get married.
Tackling issues like confidentiality and family dignity in the counseling process will also be important to lift the barrier to seeking premarital counseling.
I have been married and divorced twice, even though I actually did make an effort to name my issues before marriage. The problem was, he didn’t keep his agreement. As soon as the wedding was consummated, he acted offended that I would bring up his promise. Some things you just can’t predict. I totally agree that counseling pre-marriage is a good idea, but the problem is: a lack of adequate counselors. Within three months of the marriage we were in counseling with an imam, but all the imam could advise was that he should watch porn if he had trouble feeling sexual interest. I was (and am) a beautiful woman. The problem is he was very nervous about sex, and very worried about other people’s opinions about interracial marriage. The interracial issue should not be ignored. Muslims have all these pamphlets about how Islam is not racist BUT that means we respect other people’s nations, it doesn’t necessarily mean that anyone wants their son to marry your daughter. My husband’s sister pressured him by saying he was betraying his people by marrying me. So he never gave himself permission to love me. It’s very sad because I think ultimately, he loved me deeply, but he never got the permission to love me. So the divorce could only have been averted by serious psychotherapy as well as his willingness to leave his tribe and just be an American. He couldn’t do it because he couldn’t give up that “us” vs ‘them’ thinking. It’s way beyond marriage counseling. I realized that if we had just gone on a couple dates, we would have realized we had NOTHING in common. We didn’t need to involve the whole community. There wasn’t even any love story. I did not know who he was when he proposed to me, on email.
Yes, you are right, many issues needed to be sorted out way earlier than pre-marital counseling. Short of dating, maybe we can have a courtship ritual that is structured to provide a filter without the near-commitment that pre-marital counseling implies.
Somehow we do not have adequate filters in place. The sisters are vulnerable out there. We are often marrying complete strangers.
What you said is spot on about there being a lot of changes that take place after the nikah. A lot of the agreements fly out the door. I’ve heard sisters describe how they enter the imam’s office for the nikah with one brother (loving, kind, discusses everything) and left after the ceremony married to a completely different brother (aggressive, mean, wouldn’t talk to them, barking orders). Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. What do you do with that?
And the race, ethnicity, and national pride issues surrounding marriage are just very strange.
So many things have to change. Seriously, if people are getting the kinds of imams encouraging porn viewing to get aroused for one’s wife I’m really wary of the quality of pre-marital counseling that’s going to be out there. Porn addiction is such a big problem in marriages now, not a solution.
I have always said this is the best way to approach marriage. Once must understand that at first no matter how much in ‘love’ you are with a person, you must look at things realistically. A major issue that must be discussed before marriage is each others approach to bringing up children. One partner may want thier child to have the freedom to choose who they marry but the other may be adamant that they must marry within thier own ethnic group. Or one parent may deem it as normal and ok to allow thier kids to study at a different city for uni whereas the other might want a tight grip on thier child etc.
One thing that I understand is that marriage isn’t just your life and your partners but it is the life of your children too. When speaking with prospective partners, give each other different scenario type questions and see what thier reactions might be. A scenario type question allows a persons personality to come through, so even if the actual scenarios have nothing to do with you….it’s good to see thier reaction. Plus…..don’t forget…you are in control of your own life, ,however…your children might bring about some difficult circumstances so you must see how your partner would react in those circumstances.
Finally……remember it’s not gonna be a walk in the park……but you must ask questions……don’t shy away and hope that the person will agree with your thinking once your married…..that is unfair to think like that.
I am absolutely stunned. What imam advises a husband to watch porn to stimulate his interest? Authobillah…these are the leaders and advisors we have to resort to these days???
I find it interesting that only a few men have left comments about this article….are men willing to do premarital counseling? And what do you do if he’s not willing to do it?
Well said!
Right on! I guess if they are happy with the way their marriage is i.e. they get what they want from it why would they change or put the effort?
I had the same problem in mine.
As for porn, I am not surprised to know an Imam didn’t see a problem with it.
I had a friend of mine who was in the process of converting and was put in contact with this Imam, he made inappropriate comments to her over the phone telling her how she can dress the way she wants inside the house, wear a bikini, that the prophet used to take showers with his wife etc….this almost turned her away from Islam. I asked her to complain about him but I don’t think she did.
Imams are no saints either…just like some coaches who are supposed to be role models end up abusing children…I am not saying that Imams do that, but I am saying we have to be very careful whom we approach to seek help.
Like I said before, when you don’t know someone well enough before marriage, scary scenarios can take place like in previous comments. Pre-marital counciling may help bring some of that to the surface ahead of time, but the real test is just getting to know someone for 6 months or so. A person’s true colors will come out after much interaction. Emailing and phone calls for a month or so will not do this.
And I don’t mean having sexual relations, just spending time and seeing how the other person reacts to different situations, etc….Then you can judge if it is someone you want to be with.
You never truly know anybody the first or second meeting . The first impression is the last impression usually . As a recovering porn addict i would not want to get martied and put my wife the trouble i have caused myself in my life. Pre marital counselling sounds good . I believe you can ruin your life but dont ruin someone elses life. Please everybody make dua i leave porn and this haraam lifestyle and find peace in a woman who will help me get to jannah insh’Allah . Yours sincerly , a brother in need of dua.
To Abdullah,
Having an addiction as dangerous as pornography is a torment to the soul, body, and mind. Imagine creating incisions on your skin, all over your body, with a razor blade. Now attach a feeling of gratification with each cut made. That’s addiction. In other words, the transient pleasure-inducing effect unconsciously takes a toll on valuable aspects of one’s life, such as one’s mental health and social well-being. You are experiencing ephemeral euphoria at the expense of life qualities that you currently take for granted. In a nutshell, addiction is a psychological dependency leading to physical necessity with the harsh accompaniment of assault to your own self.
No addiction can be resolved by du’aa alone and it serves no purpose but solidifying your credulity if you believe otherwise. Take a mental step into the lanes of addicts, those of alcohol, drugs and gambling. Once a dependent-relationship is developed between these activities and the individual, quitting becomes a task as magnanimous in difficulty as an attempt at reaching the top of a mountain with one leap. It’s practically impossible.
What can you do to leave this addiction? Realise firstly that this addiction is no different than an addiction to heroin. When watching visually stimulating material, the brain releases chemicals to which the person involved becomes dependent. It’s worse than heroin because heroin is an external addiction, you on the other hand are being addicted to your own neuronal internal chemistry. Second, you need to get help. I’ll write this in plain English: Do not convince yourself you can quit solo. Judging from your email, you are in your early 20′s. From my studies, very few young people, meaning almost no one, makes it out of this disastrous addiction without seeking constant help. I don’t advise you seek counselling from any religious body. Rather, seek professional help. If you are still attending school, speak with a counsellor. Do not be shy. There are millions, yes millions, of people in your shoes. Reason for this is pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry attracting youth such as yourself to the platter of virtual pseudo-reality. Thirdly, realise that this is the toughest challenge you will probably ever encounter in your life.
Treat this as a serious problem, otherwise your addiction may very well ruin your life. Additionally, no marriage – no matter how ‘hot’ your wife is – will solve this issue. As a prior comment was posted, it’s important to reiterate that pornography is a substantially significant problem in marriages – and in any relationship for that matter.
Why isn’t it illegal? When major corporations such as AT&T, Yahoo!, Wall Street, General Motors, and major hotel chains – simply to name a few – are profiting at a multi-million dollar level from pornography, the government will bend over backwards to accommodate them because as a corollary they (the government) profit from it, immensely. The same explanation lends itself to the atrocious crimes committed under the abject influence of alcohol. The reason alcohol is not banned, even though it is the most attributed factor to traffic accident mortalities, is due to the same backwards and opportunistic laws and interests that keep pornography in business. It’s all about the money.
Bringing about change is not easy, seek help Abdullah.
Pre-marital counseling is a must, must to take place. It can save many lives. I strongly appreciate the idea and the initiative to propose the idea. Definitely I will do it for my kids.
In some cases, even if you have pre-marital counseling, it won’t make a bit of difference when the husband is controlling, manipulative and lies through his teeth. One who puts on airs and describes himself as righteous but you see him not lowering his gaze at other women right in front of you, then denies it. I know. It happened to me.
alhamdulilah, we in Malaysia the Governments
make it a mandotary for newly married couple
to sit for a pre marital courses. This action
was made due to the incresing divorce among
the newly married couple.
I’m not opposedto premarital counselling, but feel that the author has completely missed the real problem. Premarital counselling cannot change personalities and cannot replace upbringing. How many prospective partners will u have counselling with? I’ve had 1 failed marriage and 1 very successful one with my present wife and it really is down to the kind of person u r. That is why istikhara has been prescribed.