Love in Islam: Valentine’s Day


Originally published in January 2011.

I once dropped by the MSA at the University of Tulsa and heard a very disturbing story. A man from the area had left Islam and had recently given a talk at a local church about his apostasy. He claimed that there was no love in Islam. He felt that the Islamic way of life is filled with hate, harshness and rigidity. I plan to touch on how this apostate and others like him are dead wrong. It is obvious to any common practicing Muslim that they have very little knowledge of the Qur’an and Sunnah (ways of the Prophet ﷺ, peace be upon him). Before making such a judgment, they should have based their decision based upon the scripture. The truth is that a problem common to all apostates I’ve heard of is blaming Islam for the actions of people who happened to be called Muslim, yet aren’t necessarily practicing Islam correctly.

When talking about love in Islam let’s see what the Holy Qur’an says about it. First of all I would like to note two definitions of love found in the American Heritage Dictionary:

8a. God’s benevolence and Mercy toward man.

8b. Man’s devotion to or adoration of God.

These two definitions precisely describe the Islamic concept of the relation between God and man.

When reading the Qur’an, anyone can easily recognize the emphasis put on God’s love, compassion, graciousness, mercy and forgiveness. As a matter of fact, all chapters of the Qur’an except one begin with the phrase “in the name of God” who is described as Al-Rahman (the Benevolent) and Al-Raheem (the Merciful). This verse is often translated as “in the Name of God, the Benevolent and Merciful.”  This fits the exact meaning of the definition for the love of God found in the English dictionary. These two descriptions are the most commonly used words by which Allah describes Himself in the Qur’an. These characteristics of Allah refer to His countless blessings, bounties and forgiveness He has bestowed upon us without us deserving anything. He does all of that even though we constantly break His commandments.

Similarly, when we look at the Arabic word muslim, we find that it is a person who is devoted to Allah, submitting to His will. This is exactly what the English dictionary has to say about the meaning of a person’s love for God.

Life is all about a test of realization and action. We are drawn to a realization of God’s love for us and leading a life of gratitude, which reflects our deep adoration and devotion to God. We do this hoping that our beloved Creator will be pleased with us and yearning to be with Him for eternity in the bliss of the hereafter. This well-known concept of the purpose of life according to Islam perfectly reflects the meaning of the man’s love for God.

Islam enjoins the general concept of love among mankind as well. This is first and foremost done by promoting the love of God amongst our fellow man. This is manifested through our practice of the concept of “rahmah” which can be translated as love, mercy, compassion or forgiveness. The Prophet ﷺ told his companions, as narrated authentically in al-Targheeb (3/210):

لن تؤمنوا حتى ترحموا قالو يا رسول الله كلنا رحيم قال إنه ليس بر حمة أحدكم صاحبه و لكنه رحمة العامة

“You don’t truly believe until you have rahmah for others.” His companions responded, “We all have rahmah.” The Prophet ﷺ then told them, “Verily, you don’t reach this level of faith by just having rahmah for those who are close to you, but you must have rahmah for everyone.”

In fact this was the sum of why Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) sent the Prophet ﷺ. He says in verse 107 of al-Anbiyaa in the Qur’an,

21:107

And We have not sent you, [O Muhammad], except as a mercy to the worlds. (21:107)

In this category of general love for everything, we have another very important type of love. This is the love between a husband and wife. So before continuing about this love and how it manifests itself between married couples, let’s talk about how one gets married according to Islam.

Finding a spouse in Islam is quite easy. It is actually much easier than in common western culture. Islam forbids anything that can possibly lead to fornication. First, let’s ponder over verse 32 of Surah al-Israa in the Qur’an,

17_32

 This verse means “Don’t even come close to fornicating.” (17:32)

As a result of this, it is prohibited to be alone with, flirt or touch someone from the opposite sex who isn’t your spouse or immediate family. The only mixed gender interactions should be accompanied by lowering the gaze, hijab, only speaking about a necessity like buying something, asking directions, discussing religious matters, etc… So you can see why Islam prohibits the modern concept of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. This solves so many social problems prevalent in societies that don’t observe this seemingly strict code of mixed gender mingling. Many who were raised here in the West have many reactions to these rules, the most common of which is, “So how are we supposed to find a spouse?”

Back in the time of the Prophet ﷺ and even until today in some cultures, parents arranged marriage through their relationships with other families they knew well. Best case scenario is that they might allow them to see each other once or show a picture, but then the parents would completely make the decision of compatibility as well as of the marriage itself. Believe it or not, in the old days this would work the vast majority of the time for reasons which I will mention later.

Nowadays, people have become more critical and have an individualist, opinionated outlook, and women have taken a stronger role in society. For this reason, it would be wise for parents not to force their children to marry someone without their full approval and acceptance. This advice is based upon firsthand knowledge of many arranged marriages which obviously were not arranged based upon compatibility and/or went sour.

It should be that the family and friends of a Muslim bachelor or bachelorette are those who are actually looking for a suitable spouse for him or her. If Allah’s will was that a Muslim bachelor meets, or personally knows of someone whom he or she is interested, then he should immediately go to her family about it, preferably the father. Parents should allow their child to have some chaperoned meetings with someone in whom they are initially interested. These meetings should be strictly about learning about each other’s personality and expectations in their spouse. If after a few of these meetings they don’t feel compatible then they should break off all communication in that regard and go back to being a regular Muslim brother and sister. If after praying for Allah’s guidance (istikharah) they feel close and compatible, then it is best to get married as soon as possible. There may be a small period of engagement, but even if they are culturally engaged that does not change the fact that in Islam there is no change in their relationship. It is just an inclination to marry down the road which either party can break free from at any time.

The basic difference between an Islamic marriage and a western marriage is that in the West a couple generally meets without any help from the family. Their meeting is usually a result of a man’s attraction and a woman’s being flattered and enjoying his charming company. Then they proceed as a married couple—sometimes for many years—until they decide that they want to live the rest of their life with each other. Then they get married. They feel like they were already in love for some time. So they live together after getting married and they get sick of each other and get a divorce for one reason or another. In Islam, the marriage is protected by the divine legislation of God. The first factor in this preservation is that the marriage—if done correctly—is first formed through real compatibility and not physical desires which can often get a man to act in whatever way will get him what he wants and by the girl being flattered and charmed by his fake façade—or as we say in modern terminology, “his game.”

Once a Muslim couple is officially married, they understand that even with compatibility they must work for the rest of their lives to preserve love, compassion, understanding, respect and forgiveness between them. They have entered into a covenant with Allah (swt) that carries rights and responsibilities towards each other. The basic foundation of that bond is found in the Holy Qur’an in verse 21 of Surah al-Rum,

30:21

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)

That said, we are now coming close to the time in which most Westerners celebrate Valentine’s Day. There is much mystery and folklore as to where this holiday came from, but the general story is that it was originally a pagan holiday. After the Roman Empire embraced Christianity, it was later named after a Catholic saint named Valentine.  Folklore suggests that in the 3rd century C.E., the Roman Emperor Claudius II banned young healthy men from marriage. In defense of the divine union of marriage, St. Valentine allegedly protested this by secretly holding marriage ceremonies. He later was martyred on February 14th, thus marking the date.

Today this holiday has no religious affiliation and is common to both religious folk and atheists. It is a day on which couples exchange cards, candy, chocolate, flowers and even jewelry as a token of their love.  This is also a day where many premarital relationships happen or are forged.

So the question many Muslims have is, “What is the ruling on taking part in any of the traditional practices of this holiday?”

The vast majority of scholars hold it to be prohibited to buy, sell or take part in anything that is related to this holiday. They base this ruling on a few reasons:

  1. They see it lead to social problems in the Muslim world, especially the recent skyrocket in dating and romantic premarital relationships.
  2. It is a day on which a lot of fornication happens and even small children are encouraged to start engaging in premarital relationships.
  3. It is imitating the disbelievers in their religious practices. The Prophet ﷺ said, “Whoever imitates a people is one of them.”
  4. It is rooted in the religious practices of non-Muslims so it is an innovation which must be rejected.
  5. It is a holiday and all holidays except the two `Eids are innovations, religious or not.

A handful of other scholars don’t feel that there is any conclusive evidence that prohibits Muslim married couples from taking this opportunity to recognize and commend their love for each other and do something special together. They argue against the five aforementioned proofs that celebrating this holiday isn’t necessarily what has caused Muslims to have illicit relationships, but that—Valentine’s Day or not—those people are going to follow their desires and prohibiting this day won’t solve that problem. They then contend that if some choose to do fornication and teach kids the path to fornication then that is their problem. They ask, “Why can’t we do what the Prophet ﷺ did when he told the Jews that the Muslims were more worthy of following Moses than they and thus he fasted with them?” These scholars contend that this holiday was originally named after St. Valentine who defended the sanctity of marriage which is something common between us and it isn’t related to polytheism or false worship. With that argument they also bring up the debate among the madhabs (schools of thought) about al-Ateerah. Al-Ateerah was a feast in Rajab where people originally slaughtered animals for their idols. The Muslims later took the same practice in the same month, slaughtered for Allah’s sake, and gave some meat to the poor. Some scholars held that this allowance was later abrogated and prohibited while others held that it being a sunnah was abrogated and thus remained permissible. This is because many texts are hard to put together and make an easy ruling (for more info see the Kuwaiti Encyclopedia for Islamic Jurisprudence volume 29 under عتيرة). Furthermore, they argue that in the West this is a part of secular culture; even atheists take part in this holiday, and it is not seen as a Christian holiday, nor celebrated in churches like Christmas and Easter.

Allah knows best if there is sin in taking part in the tradition of this day, as both arguments have their proofs, but let’s take our love seriously and live a life that reflects our love for Allah (swt) and His messenger ﷺ. This is indeed the true love; as Bob Marley correctly said, “One Love… Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right.”

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34 Comments

  1. how i wished my close frens and relatives would help me to find someone, but alas, even them thinks i should find my future spouse on my own. honestly i do not know what to do. it’s exasperating.

    • fatima says:

      I’m on the same boat as you.

      • Indah says:

        Same to me as well. I keep asking my parents to find one. But they say, how if it wont fit me? Who knows if not yet tried? And my friend as well keep encouraging me to have more relationship with men. Meanwhile, I try to avoid it. Allah knows better, I am sure.

  2. Assalaamu Alaikum :)

    Br. Yahya, I liked this article a lot–the information and your way of presenting it was lovely. But I wonder if this is not what the apostates mean when they say ‘there is no love in Islam’?

    Its seems more like they are talking about he lack of kindness and compassion between muslims themselves, perhaps the way our communities interact with deen in general these days. It seems like we put so much effort into legalism (e.g. this is halal, this is haram, ‘excuse me brother, but your pants are too long/ excuse me sister your feet aren’t covered therefore your prayers are incorrect’) rather than developing good character or helping our brothers/sisters spiritual growth.

    • Saratu says:

      Salam,

      I know this is very late.. but I agree with you. As mulsums I feel we are too bugged down on the “dos” and “donts”. We need to develop better character amongst ourselves.

  3. Is-za Jelass says:

    A very interesting and insightful post. When I used to watch TV I saw some episodes on 700 club that featured many “ex-Muslims.” Unfortunately as I do know that there are people who stop practicing and even renounce the faith there are many many others who pose as former Muslims for political reasons.

    One of the main argument I hear from the is the nonexistence of love in Islam which they contrast greatly with the concept of Godly love in Christianity usually symbolized by the “sacrifice” of jesus to humanity.

    I think many Musliims do not even know what love is in our religion. And I have heard of many cold and harsh behavior from Muslims who were practicing. Many of us too often say that it is because people do not Know their faith but I disagree, I think there is a problem with how people translate their islamic knowledge into daily life. We criticize more then compliment. We “advise” more then self-check, we insult others for not being the way we want to be without asking for more forgiveness for what we do.

    Love is more then just contracts and sayings, its about a feeling, a driving emotion. Love brings us to Allahs swt, love compells us to obey him and care for others who we have no serious connection with. Love is not a sin in Islam, Love is beautiful. And Muslims DO fall in love.

    I think the best way to “refute” men like the one discussed is to be more loving and accepting of eachother and reflect on the love between the Prophets and their spouses. May Allah swt forgive us all and increase us in our knowledge

    • Irfan says:

      Aslamoalakum..:-)
      you try to use g8 way to get understod abt beuti of Islam here is every thing very easy beause Islam is the way of life style.

  4. Ibn Naseeb says:

    Ya Abu Majeed! Hope your family is doing well (did you guys move yet?) inshaAllah.

    Indeed the discussion of love, once a taboo topic in our communities, has grown more popular due to the issues of finding spouses.

    As a youth reading this article, I say it is very well put the reasons why things like dating and premarital flirting/mixing between genders is prohibited. It just seems unconceivable to many youth here in the West that Islam would think so poorly about the willpower of people. “Nah, it won’t lead to anything bad. It’s only natural for boys and girls to mix and mingle..”. I question them to be put in the situation of Yusuf (‘alayhi salaam), and see how strong their willpower would be. And unfortunately, we live in a society where that situtation could become possible..

    I only address this to bring some added perspective to the article.

    As far as Valentine’s Day goes, why don’t our brothers make it a chance to treat their wives with a little more love and mercy (and sisters to their husbands)? For the unmarried like myself…uh…read Qur’an on the 14th and turn off the TV showing those romantic comedies. :P (so..april fool’s coming up, how about humor in islam next? :) )

  5. ali says:

    ‘Finding a spouse in Islam is quite easy. It is actually much easier than in common western culture’

    If we may agree to disagree, I would say this is more so in theory than practicallity,as you have said, there is Islam and then well..there is Muslims, in my area the rising number of aging single Muslim men and woman is not unfamilar, and our community is not exempt from our own growing divorce rates so that moral high ground isn’t really there.

    I’m not saying western love is more wholistic or even ‘halal’ in many cases but it can be easier to navigate and get results in many cases, just from my observation of everyday reality.

    • stylo says:

      Yup.. thts some truth there..
      But i think its more becoz of our community culture. If MAJORITY of us follow this way, it must be easier.

      For example, look at Indian Muslim @ mamak (no offense here), i see tht most of them still hv arrange marriage.

      But still, there is always pros & cons for everything. We just hv to find the best solution.

  6. Snuze says:

    Thank you for the interesting and insightful article. It seems to me that the way society is now, it may not even be possible for parents to look for mates for their children. I know mine told me pointblank that I will have to look for my own because they do not know if they even know where to find candidates for me. *grin*

    Most of the Islamic matchmaking sites operate outside of my country; hence the candidates are from abroad. As someone who would prefer to look closer to home, what are his/her choices? Especially those that he/she comes across are either married/gay/not looking?

    Oh, well.

  7. raheem says:

    Lovely article. Imam Yahya is funny, liked how he ended the article with that line of Bob Marley, lol. But very informative article, Imam Yahya to me, clearly knows how to understand the religion and present it to Muslims living in the west. I say that based on the articles that he has written. Salaams to all.

  8. we know our ALLAH say him self that i love every one no one is small or big for them all his equall so we trust on our good ALLAH .

  9. ayaz says:

    asalaam o alaikum……. Jazak allah awesum article,,,,,,,, love allah ‘subhan wa tala’ and mohammed ‘ sallela hu alehi wasallam’…and evry thing vch allah ordered to …….but niyyat is very important…

  10. Abi Ashroff says:

    A good article indeed. We are to obsessed with too much legality until we forget that Rasulullah SAW has been send to us as a person of the best akhlak or character and one of them is love. Let us potray Love as part of our deen. Not only to our Muslim brothers and sisters but also to every mankind. Wallahu’alam

  11. salam says:

    Good article one thing i would say is that why can’t a man and a women see each other to get to each other before marriage, is there evidence that directly says this in the quran and or hadith. This is not the same thing as saying they should be allowed to spend alone time together in private(not in public). One thing i noticed is in islamic communities is that there seems to be so much distance between man and women to the point that they are afraid to talk to each other. They have to do it in a very subtle way, but you know the intention is there this suppresses basic human emotions to the extreme. These kind of things is what deter people away from islam not just 9/11. I don’t see way some interaction can’t be allowed, what if you don’t know the girl’s dad at all?

    Just my thoughts
    -verily allah knows best

  12. Jessica says:

    “The basic difference between an Islamic marriage and a western marriage is that in the West a couple generally meets without any help from the family. Their meeting is usually a result of a man’s attraction and a woman’s being flattered and enjoying his charming company. Then they proceed as a married couple—sometimes for many years—until they decide that they want to live the rest of their life with each other. Then they get married. They feel like they were already in love for some time. So they live together after getting married and they get sick of each other and get a divorce for one reason or another.”

    This is an incredibly facile, unidimensional, and condescending caricature of “love in the West”. Love isn’t perfect anywhere, in any culture or tradition. If you want to argue that the Islamic tradition regarding love and marriage is better, do so–but have the integrity to be balanced in your argument.

    • ZAI says:

      I totally agree with you.
      There are plenty of Western people who have meaningful relationships followed by meaningful marriages. Likewise there are plenty of non-Western Muslims stuck in horrid marriages that were based on shallow considerations.

      Brother Yahya, let us be bluntly honest. Plenty of Muslims also marry for shallow reasons like looks or money…probably the majority. It is well known in ANY immigrant community that good looking (usually fair skinned) girls get more proposals and good looking guys are cut some slack “financially”…if not good looking you better have that MD or JD after your name.

      Furthermore the parents & community use their status as wali to “weed out” candidates based on ethnicity and race. Good luck even getting the “interview” if you are not from their race, tribe, town, village or whatever from “back home”. Due to this, intermarriage is dismally low in the Muslim community and the West is actually WAY, WAY ahead of us in regards to intermarriage both in it’s views and in practice.

      Given all these issues, Muslims have the SAME problems as non-Muslim Westerners following marriage. At most you can say pre-marital sex is lower in Muslim communities who follow the traditional system. That’s all.

      If we are talking about what is QUR’ANIC or from the SUNNAH…well, that’s an IDEAL. It’s unfair to compare an Islamic IDEAL to a Western PRACTICE. The West also has it’s ideals. No Western woman will tell you she wants to be flattered by a player or find her husband at a dance club.

      If you compare MUSLIMS tho, to WESTERN non-MUSLIMS…the whole argument goes out the window, except for lower rates of pre-marital sex or unmarried pregnancies. Muslims are so, so, so, so, far from the ideal brother…

      Next time you are in California, Virginia or NY, come with me to an Afghan wedding and you can see how the prospective grooms mothers go around looking for prospective daughters-in-law. Their standard sure ain’t Qur’an and Sunnah, let me assure you! Muslims are not any better or worse in behavior than non-Muslims brother…Some good on both sides, and plenty of bad on both!

      • Sarah says:

        Right on Zai!! I have heard soooo many Muslims say that their son HAD to marry an Indian girl and vice versa. I am a white convert who married an Indian guy. He was nervous about his family accepting me, but alhamdulilah they ended up liking me to his relief. We knew each other for a few years as friends and then feelings developed.
        I think its best to get to know the other person before making such an important life decision. It’s really sad to hear folks say that they don’t know how to interact or meet a woman/man of the opposite sex. This is how hard the family and the Muslim community makes it.
        Growing up Chritsian, yes there are good ethical Christians who don’t live with their boyfriends before marriage. Pre-marital sex does occur more often, but I think it happens with Muslims (especially single men) as well. Its just not as talked about for fear of being shunned.

      • Indah says:

        Islam is perfect. Only Muslims are not perfect.

    • John Ederer says:

      Peace respected Jessica,

      First off I appreciate your blunt response as it came from the heart and it looks like you are fighting fire with fire. This article was written 2 years ago and what a difference that makes. I don’t believe if I wrote the same one today that I would have worded this particular part the same.

      That being said the statement about secular marriages was a generality that more often than naught is true statistically and psychologically speaking.

      I’m not arguing culture against culture. The Muslims’ culture is often far from the ideal of an Islamic marriage. My call was for Muslims to take that into consideration. The main point is marriage is a serious pact in front of God and it should be preserved and worked on for life. I am very confident after studying comparative religion thoroughly that the Islamic teachings regarding how to form, nurture and preserve a marriage are quite more detailed and structured than any other religion. Any objective student would have to respect that.

      And God knows best!

  13. Fatimah says:

    I find it interesting that Valentine’s Day has been deemed by “scholars” to not be permissible to engage in because of taking on non-believers religious practice, yet scholars find Christmas fine to celebrate and give gifts, when Christmas is in many ways just out right blasphemous. Also, any holiday that’s not the Eid is an innovation? That’s ridiculous, and that way of thinking is void of common sense, quite frankly. Scholar” or not.

    • John Ederer says:

      Proportionately those who hold the prohibition of Christmas are more than those who would hold that a husband and wife taking a special time together to celebrate their love for each other on Valentines Day. I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. Much of the justification of the prohibition is related to ignorance of the west and having a clash of the civilizations political mindset. A true Mufti should understand who their making a fatwa for and what the fatwa is about before they rush to condemn. I mean many of them support and are loyal to their kingdom while recognizing the many unIslamic aspects and flaws related to it. Right???

    • Abu Zejd says:

      We have two Eids, read the narration. For muslms to fall for the propaganda and marketing ploy of the west and follow/celebrate the holidays which they have imposed onto our minds with the media is quite sad. Love your spouses all year round and you wont have to show them love one day a year. Take your spouses out and treat them in a romantic manner all year and then when valentines day comes around it wont mean much.

      The muslims are having an Identity crisis and now we are willing to cling to practices of other cultures and religions in order to fill the void of ignorance which shrouds many.

      May Allah safeguard us from being unhappy with that which was presented to us by Allah and His Messenger

  14. Zaynabani says:

    Beautiful post,masha Allah.Salam to all

  15. Rubaba says:

    I love this post. Allah is Al-Wadud and loving Him most helps us to love everyone else right. As for valentine day, I think it does more harm than good so we must try hard not to make it a part of us. Jazaakumul Laahu khairan

  16. Muslimah says:

    This is to assume though that Muslims all have a trusting, healthy relationship with their parents. Some of us come from broken homes where we cannot confide in our parents about such things. What are we supposed to do then? I really would like to see more insight from our community in dealing with such matters when our family situations are less than ideal.

  17. Conscience says:

    To this author, thanks for bringing up this article. It definitely merites some discussions. I find this subject like many others very interesting. To me it is no longer a subject of Western practices vs other cultures practices. In modern society (all of them), we are bombarbed from every direction with special day this, special day that; Valentine’s day, Mother’s day, Father’s day, Birthday, Anniversary day along with all the buy one get one free that come with it.

    The fact of the matter is whatever you do during these so called special days DOES not demonstrate in any way that you love your Wife, your Mother or your Father. If we truly did as a society, then we would not have all the social problems we currently experience, HIGH DIVORCE RATE, ANXIETY, STRESS, DRUGS, ALCOHOL etc…

    As Muslims, We need to listen to Allah and his Prophet Mohammad (Peace be upon him) teach us what LOVE is, what LOVE means and how to express it.

  18. slampeace says:

    In islam we should love our wife and family everyday not once in a year islam is a peace not hate ness. Some pepole are ignorent and follow up theires own desire

  19. mary says:

    Its a good article.

    However I don’t understand; How is a muslim girl supposed find a spouse when

    1.her parents don’t get on with each other; constantly verbally argue, constant taunting each other about rubbish thats happend in the past, not forgiving towards each other, complete shambles of a marriage and they use us kids to constantly jab at each other
    2. they have kept their daughter practically unknown to relatives so she now feels almost alien to her own extended family or even ethnic community; no body knows she exists therefore few proposals come forward.. I could walk down the street and not even recognise my own rello’s because Ive never seen half of them?!!!
    3. Neither parent actively searches for a spouse for their daughter; somehow they think that prince charming will come on his own,
    4. the parents perception of ‘the perfect spouse’ does not exist- they actually expect him to be perfect. For eg my sister wants to marry someone who comes from a muslim family, who is from the same ethnicity, qualified professional who can provide a separate whole house and can provide for her welfare and is religious … my parents reject him on the basis of his skin colour?!!!! he’s too dark apparently.. can someone tell me why Allah established such a rule that a girl has to have the permission of her Wali for marriage when he knew there would be people like this who would oppress their daughters by not allowing healthy marriage?! its baffling and frustrating! what does Allah expect is going to happen when he allows authority over the innocent by a tyrannical people.. fitnah happens for a reason.

    5. When asked for other reasons apart from ‘dark skin’ my Mother simply states that maybe the boys parents are too traditional and she doesnt want my sister to suffer like she did with her inlaws… NEWS FLASH ALL WOMEN ARE SUBJECT TO TRIALS FROM THEIR INLAWS ….

    6. My mother keeps reliving her past bad experiences with people in general and now out of fear of loosing her kids she wont let her daughters get married by firstly not looking for proposals, secondly telling people shes looking for someone whos practically 7ft tall with yellow hair and purple eyes and oh lets not forget thirdly when proposals do come she doesnt even want to give them a chance let alone do istikhara.

    7. My dad has always been hell bent on marrying us off to cousins from India so it benefits him if we stay single because at present we are 26-27 years of age, he reckons we’ll cave by the time we hit 30.. I dont think so Dad.

    8. Parents have seen countless hours of lectures on Peace tv etc but do not WANT to put it into practice… yes the whole house prays, fasts etc but actually coming to terms with what has gone wrong over the years in bringing up their kids.. all just gets shoved under the carpet..

    9.The eldest daughter got married to a complete twit as well so now that has instilled more fear into my mum and now the whole fam live under a crazed dillusion that all Men are liars and ultimately your married life will be crap..
    10. this list goes on…

    Point is Allah says he will not change the state of a people unless they themselves change.. well why should the children have to pay the penalty of their parents not wanting to change … its not fair. they had their chance of marriage, and they messed it up..

    Whats ironic is that I had to fall in love with a Man, I had to engage in fitnah(not sexual, just friendship which could have gone further) after years and years AND YEARS of abstaining from Men, to understand that marriage is without doubt the best course for me to be happy but I cant have that because I have messed up parents.. Its hilarious that I had to learn through sinning that not all Men are corrupt… and so I gave that Man up for the love of a God who may not change my overall state because my parents wont change them selves..

    What a vicious cycle.

    Tell me what are we supposed to do?

    • muslimahfromthe206 says:

      Subhana’allah. Sounds like you’ve been through a great deal of trouble. I can imagine that you are beyond frustrated at this point, and that’s normal. Do not doubt in the greatness and power of Allah. There’s no force that can overwrite Allah’s decree. Whatever has happened, was what Allah has decreed for you. As a part of being a Muslim you must submit wholeheartedly to Allah, and accept what he has decreed for you. So do not despair, Allah is always in a state of knowledge, surely he knows your condition. If your parents aren’t sensible in chosing a spouse according to the quran &sunnah, then a just relative can substitute such as an uncle. If your father refuses you a perfectly good spouse as described in the sunnah then he is at fault. No matter how irrational your parents can get they are still your parents. They have haq over you. The best thing to do is pray and make lots of dua to Allah and have patience. And Allah knows best :)

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