Single Parenting


Parenting is a tough job, but single parenting is an even tougher challenge, as one parent tries to fulfill the roles of both a mother and a father to their child.  Single parenting is highly demanding physically, emotionally and financially.   There can be numerous reasons and circumstances for single parenting, such as divorce, a spouse working abroad, a child born out of wedlock, or even the illness or death of a parent. Sadly, the Muslim community often alienates and ostracizes single parents and is often selective regarding which single parent “deserves” compassion, based on the reasons they are single.  A judgmental attitude does not help encourage single parents to be the best parents possible to their child(ren). Compassion and support from the community is necessary to help single parents on their challenging journey. This article seeks to offer constructive support to single parents as they seek to raise their children, insha’Allah.

Numerous examples exist in the Islamic tradition of single parents who successfully raised children to become strong individuals. These individuals then left a legacy for humanity which shines more brightly, specifically because of being raised by single parents.  Hajar, the mother of Prophet Ismail (pbuh), Maryam, the mother of Prophet Isa (pbuh), and Amina, the mother of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), all raised their sons alone due to different circumstances. They all put their trust in Allah and worked hard to be the best parents they could be to their children. Also, the mothers of Imam al-Shafi’, Imam Ahmed and Imam Bukhari raised their sons alone, all of whom later became renowned figures that left a major impact on the world. The reality is that single Muslim parents do exist today. They need support as they strive to raise resilient Muslim children for the future.

Children raised by single parents thrive in homes where there is stability, safety, love, and consistency.  A single parent that is committed to providing loving discipline will create an environment for the child to truly flourish.  Raising secure and successful children requires single parents to confidently implement the following parenting skills.

Discipline

Sometimes single parents may feel guilty or overwhelmed by their parenting duties, so they resort to weak enforcement or bending of “rules” in order to make their child happy and reduce potential conflict. Some parents may compensate for the absence of the other parent by being permissive in their parenting style. Single parents must be careful to not allow children to dismiss rules set by the parent or to become their “friends.”  Setting boundaries for children creates much needed structure in all households (single and dual) because children want to know that their parent has rules and has set limits and expectations.  Boundaries also create a sense of safety for a child because the roles of the parent and child have been clearly established. Parental limits teach the child to respect the parent and solidify their role in the family.

Consistency

Children dealing with a divorce or a death will crave stability as they adjust to their new life with one parent. Establishing routines, schedules and traditions are important for children when adjusting to a new family dynamic. A child wants to know what to expect and look forward to on a daily basis.  Consistency in everyday routines gives the child(ren) a feeling of security and stability. Focusing on creating morning routines, weekly schedules and dinners together are small ways that single parents can create constancy for their child. Availability by the parent in terms of attention and physical presence will assure the child(ren) a sense of belonging. Also, creating new traditions and memories during holidays and special occasions reaffirms the new family identity.

Emotional Support

Single parents and their children may struggle with various feelings and emotions surrounding their new family structure. The parent and child may struggle with changes and upheavals in their life, and may share with one another the challenges of the new family structure. Parents need to listen and truly hear their child(ren) when  they share their thoughts and feelings.  Parents must not make disparaging comments about the other parent as a means to gain the sympathy of the child(ren). Despite common stress, parents must not turn to their child for emotional support nor burden them with the personal struggles they encounter.  Parents must turn to their social circles and confide in other adults and friends only.  Confiding worries or complaining to a child is inappropriate, regardless of the level of maturity of the child. It is extremely detrimental to children to absorb the thoughts and feelings of their parents. Children need to remain children and should not become a “friend” or “therapist” to the parent. Parents who feel stressed, depressed, anxious or lonely, should seek professional guidance or support from other adults as they adjust to single parenthood.

It takes a Village

Single parents will need help and support with the endless tasks and responsibilities of raising the child(ren) . This requires being comfortable asking for help from family and friends. Seeking support with childcare, such as carpooling, help in case of emergencies, or schedule conflicts at work, will benefit single parents when they are stretched in multiple directions.  Creating a teamwork environment at home where the child(ren) have chores and responsibilities is also important so that the child(ren) understand their role in the family and feel like capable contributors.

Take Care of Yourself

Single parents work hard to care and provide for their children; many times, they neglect themselves or may feel guilty taking time away from their children.  However, it is necessary for parents to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually.  Giving without replenishing will limit a parent’s ability to be their best.  Scheduling time for hobbies and enjoyable activities like reading, watching a movie, having coffee with a friend, etc. are ways parents can find personal fulfillment. Creating time to exercise, eat properly and focusing on prayer and reconnection to Allah will help with managing stress and living a more balanced life.  Developing a social network of close friends or other single parents will also empower parents so they do not feel alone in their journey.  Strong support systems can enable single parents to share and feel accepted by other adults who understand their context.  Ultimately the child(ren)’s emotional well-being hinges on the parent’s healthy and balanced lifestyle.

Single Muslim parents who have a positive attitude and express resiliency will model strong character to their children. Single parents must be kind to themselves and focus on doing their best.  They will not be “perfect” nor will they be able to fill the shoes of the second parent.  Being the best parent is being present and connected with your child(ren) in a manner that is loving and encouraging every day.  These are the most important things you can do as a parent, single or otherwise.

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62 Comments

  1. hazim says:

    assalamualaikum , just wanna ask , why we cant make our child as our friend ? do they later will unrespect us or by doing that have any explaination for that ?

  2. Jamila says:

    Salaams, I am a single parent mother of two children and I am Muslim. The reason for being a single parent is due to my divorce. I have basically withdrawn myself from the Muslim community because there is no support for me there as a single parent. And it seems as though the women I try to befriend are all afraid their husbands are going to want to add me as a second wife. I just don’t get it. I truly love and admire the religion of Islam but its followers are another thing. I have found that solitude is my only desirable place within any Islamic community at this point. Thank you for this article. I agree 100%.

    MA

    • abdullah hakeem says:

      asa, the social circles are really bad in the muslim community. it seems that everyone is agoraphobic at the moment. its sad to hear of your plight sister but i do think that the ummah has become really unsociable and the boring mosques don’t cater to anyone except those who fund it and the oldies in the committies.
      may Allah make you his freind ameen

    • Mike says:

      Try making friends in the Arab Muslim community; especially Egyptian community. They have no problems with it; they might even add you as a second wife. South Asians do have problem with single parents whether due to divorce, out of wedlock, or even widow who doesn’t get married again within a year or two if she under 50. I can’t tell you why but it is. Arabs are much free in that regard. I read about a two Arab best friends and when his friend Dad died; he’s says don’t worry I’ll marry your Mom. That’s little too much for me… But whatever is halal I make no judgements.

    • Taimur Ijlal says:

      Dear Sister,

      May Allah (SWT) reward you for your patience and grant you good companionship from the muslim community.

    • umm alif says:

      I could only find the emotional support through qiyamul lail or nafl salah. The more the better. I prefer to contribute more in the Islamic community, but not seeking advice. I normally find a clue to opening the door of my misery by participating in their activities. May Allah swt always guide you sister.

    • MN says:

      You don’t want to be a second wife. You need someone who is there for you as a full husband, not half a husband. First you want to focus on your child and you. Friends can be of all backgrounds, they don’t have to be Muslim. And if you are seeing a gap in something, fill it somehow. Maybe you should be the one starting a new halaqa or a group and invite people to it. I’ve been to the same mosque for two Ramadans now and only was able to have a 5 min conversation with a sister, otherwise everyone keeps to themselves. There must be at all Muslim communities, a welcoming committee that welcomes new people and introduces them to others. What a shame. Keep the faith. We’re all fighting the lonely battle. It’s no fun. Take it day by day. Workout, visit a new park, start a blog, pray, keep going to the mosque as often as you can. It will hopefully become familiar and comfortable to you. Inshallah. Love, MN.

    • naqeebulla says:

      hi i am naqeeb from bangalore single i am doing aadhar card buisness i am project manger i am searching for friends and if she intrested i will date with him if you intrested mail naqeebulla@gmail.com or add me in yahoo naqeeb_jaan@ymail.com or mesage me 9036871416 if u intrested another wise u can share if u any contacts in bangalore who want date with me thanks

    • Salar says:

      Assalaam… Jamilaji,. Can I have your contact??.. I’m looking for a single mother to marry..

  3. An excellent article, Sister Munira.

    I happen to be from a poor, single parent household and the very things you mentioned were employed by my mother, and, sadly, her mother before her as well.

    I’m afraid I don’t understand the stigma and the prejudice of many Muslims concerning single parent households or people from single parent households, especially since some of the pillars within our tradition, including some of the Prophets themselves (peace be upon them), come from less than ideal family situations. What is the source of this prejudice? I’m a convert from an area where unfortunately most people hail from single parent households (or even worse) and growing up I thought these family scenarios were rather “normal.” (Given the divorce rate, I wasn’t too far off, among other things). At the very least, I didn’t judge anyone for not being from a “good family,” whatever that means. As someone who comes from this background, I find it difficult to interact with Muslims who hold these negative perceptions of this unfortunate reality. Any tips on how to shed some light about this situation?

    Jazak’Allah Kheir!

  4. Safura says:

    We need more articles like this especially since increasingly mothers are finding themselves as single parents for some period of time. It seems our communities expect us to either remain in bad marriages, marry lesser desirable men because we already have children or become nuns!!! May Allah strengthen all of he single moms out there, and grant u ur knight in shining armor one day too! Ameen.

    • alisha says:

      well said….allah gave us a choice and choosing to leave a bad marriage is something that benefits both parent and child(ren)…..

  5. Yasmin says:

    Jazakallah khair for this very important and insightful post! I also feel that the Muslim community is not doing enough to address the issue of single parenting.

  6. Yunus says:

    JazakAllah. This was a helpful article. As a Muslim single father, I feel exceptionally isolated. Allah chose to have me convert after having a child and the best response is alhamdulillah. I assume when most people conceptualize single parents, they often think of single mothers. I don’t know how many others like me (single dads) exist, but it’s at least good to know that us single parents are being thought about. May Allah reward you for your time and thoughtfulness.

    • Yusuf says:

      I’m certainly glad this topic has actually addressed. I am a single Muslim father and I’m struggling so much right now. I’ve turned almost entirely to my Muslim community and they’ve helped me deal with a lot of my stress, but I’m waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Finding other single Muslim fathers is tough since it’s so rare.

      • Muhiba says:

        Salam to all…

        I too have experienced the great hardship of being a single muslim mother due to divorce, and have found very little support within my muslim community.
        As an educated and working mother, I have little time to take on thinking of how to find a kind and suitable practicing muslim man. Since Allah swt created men and women to be together, to me it feels more as a obligation to find the right, pious muslim to satisfy Allah’s requirement. Sadly these days, people have hard time recomending people to others. So, what is there left to do? I would love to see a group of pious single muslim parents (men and women) get together in a local mosque (perhaps a conference room or like) and engage into islamic activities like reading Kur’an and other islamic topics, as well as discuss the joy or challenges of single parenting. That way we may all find a right partner and I do not think that that would be anything wrong as long as there are multiple men and women at all meetings. We could bring our children with us, share a simple potluck and everyone may have something good to share to help each other on this not-so-easy journey. May Allah swt grant us all patience, good judgment and trust in Him. Amin…

  7. Uzzma says:

    thankx alot for letting us know with these important issues in religion. i like da part “Islam is not a state of being but it is a process of becoming..” i appreciate the way u answer, very motivating nd convincing.excellent article. good work.

  8. M.B says:

    I love how you addressed the issue of how people are selective with which single parent “deserves” compassion. Whatever the reason is for their single parenthood, they deserve compassion as human beings striving to do the right thing and raise their family. jazakallah khair for writing this article! :)

  9. alisha says:

    ameen…
    well said…. may ALLAH give us single parents the guidance we need and the sabr to grow our children in the most Islamic way possible…..

  10. N. says:

    very good read and topic. Jazakum Allahu khairan. I’m divorced and mostly raising my children on my own.

    Big “however” — I have some issues with the term single parent, especially as it applies to me. Because 1) I was not single when I became a mom, and certainly did not become a mom on my own, and 2) even if their parents divorced, my kids still have a dad. The term “single parent” seems to negate that.

    Alhamdulillah, despite a very ugly divorce process at the time — I give him credit where due: he pays child support, he spends time with them on the weekends, and is still a caring presence in their lives. No matter what, he is their father.

    Even in the case of those dead-beat dads or a deceased father — in terms of our kids’ sense of dignity and belonging, ties of kinship, etc. they need to feel from us that yes, they have a lineage through their father as much as kinship through their mom.

    Finally, I feel the term kind of puts me in an identity ghetto of being alone.

    So while the term is apt because how it describes the situation of parenting on its own — it has some negative connotations for me.

    By the way — this is not a criticism of the article and obviously “single parent” is the popular term used to describe this situation and the author is justified in using it. I hope there is no need to “defend” the author, because again I am not criticizing the use of the term.

    Merely sharing some of the negative meanings that term has for me. Hopefully this adds another dimension to the discussion.

  11. Kareema says:

    Great article. I definitely relate to this situation, as I am a single mother to my 4 yr old daughter. I have a few challenges. One is being a fairly recent convert to Islam, and working to transition my daughter from celebrating the pagan holidays the rest of my family still observes, into our Muslim holidays. It’s been really important to me to try to create a support system for ourselves, with other Muslims who can be there for us and offer advice.
    But I had my daughter outside of marriage, years before I converted to Islam, and I feel like I am judged for it. I find myself having to explain my daughter, which I resent having to do. The way I put it is that she is the best part of my old life =). But I do not feel as welcomed by my new community as I would have hoped. Insha’Allah, we will get all the strength and guidance we need.

    • seema says:

      Sr. Kareema
      You are only answerable to Allah; I know it is hard, when one has to survive in the community, to answer their unreasonable and intrusive questions, but part of being a muslim is NOT to ask personal questions. I have now started staying away from them and only dealing with people who do not judge me (I am divorced, no kids, but am still kept away by other south Asian wives who see me as a threat to their marriages when I would not want their husbands even if they were offerred to me!). So trust me, kids or no kids, women treat women poorly because of their cultural baggages, and not bec of Islam. try to find your own comfort zone with/out them

  12. Muslim says:

    As-salaam Alaikum,

    Thanks for raising an important issue in our society.
    Single Parenting could be really challenging sometimes. May Allah guide the single parents to raise their child in Islamic way. Also in Islam, it is encouraged to get married if possible as in save a person from indulging in sin.

    As an Ummah we should show compassion towards single parents. However the only point which as a Ummah that we should discourage is supporting a culture where “a child born out of wedlock” becomes normal. The only way to prevent and discourage this sin, is to have fear of Allah. May Allah SWT make us follow His path, and keep us from compromising our religion.

    • Mike says:

      Ur lucky ur not a woman… Its stupid really, that Muslim women don’t help other Muslim women; worried about spouse stealing etc. As a Muslim man I can’t really help a Muslim women because she or society will think I have some ulterior motive and generally its advisable to maintain distance from unmarried women.

  13. abdullah hakeem carter says:

    salaam, this all shows the great need for communities to rediscover themselves and re-learn what the term ummah means. the stories about the early migrants to medina would and should be enough for people to open their doors and forget the crude manner by which this cynical world looks at situations. I’m irish, and the only way is open that bloody door and leave it open (this is the time to act out our islam and without doing so our time in this world has truly been wasted) peace

  14. Fatimah says:

    Being a converted muslim single mom and raising my daughter in Islam alone, I would appreciate the single moms group at MCA meeting at the mosque. Currently the group meets at a private home, but this makes me feel that I’m hidden. I am single due to divorce and this life transition has been so difficult that I’m surprised the mosque has so few accessible resources to address this all-too-common pain.

    I have found ummah tends to be rather harsh and judgmental so its best to be persistent (have a thick skin) and find those true sisters who will support and encourage you in the truth & straight path, inshallah. As several brothers & sisters have said, we always have Allah and the teachings of the Prophet, peace & blessing be upon him. Recently a Turkish friend told me, Why go to the mosque? Your home is a mosque!
    Our family & muslim friends in our home are our congregation!

    Thanks be to Allah for Sister Munira’s work. I hope I get to meet the very single parents who have responded so warmly to this Sister’s article. Why not get creative and arrange a singles event just for single parents (or would the 100 women outnumber the 2 men–ha ha)? Marriage is a fulfillment of our deen, and why should we not have a second chance? Allah SWT forgives us daily for our sins. Arrahmanir Rahim. ameen

    • Muhiba says:

      I too posted similar article before I saw yours.
      I do agree; since Allah swt advises man and a woman be united, why can’t we have a group meeting in a local mosque(s) where single muslim mothers and fathers can get together through prayers, Kur’an study, tips and recomendations on education, parenting, education, job search etc…. while our kids too can be in the same room with us… and everyone can bring a dish to share. It’s not like a one man and one woman are left in a room on their own (whether be muslim or any other religion).
      Any single muslim women and men in Seattle area… We can find a way to meet, even if that be a library (they do offer free conference/rooms for community needs). What’s wrong with that?

  15. Soraiya says:

    AA

    I came across this article by chance and it makes me happy to know that I am not alone. I am in a difficult situation and would greatly appreciate some advice. My marriage broke down while I was pregnant. My ex husband is pakistani and we lived alone for the majority of the marriage. He was very nice during the engagement but he changed when we married. His family were very good to me while we were married. My ex husband was very forceful and I left while I was pregnant. When I left I was three months pregnant. I rang his family a couple of times but they didnt really want to speak to me. My exhusband contacted me once when i was 6 months pregnant but I was very distressed and would not speak with him. Neither him or his family ever contacted me again. My son is now nearly three years old. I have sent many emails to my exhusband with photos of his son and asking that he meet him but he never ever replied. I made a csa claim but he never paid at all and there are huge arrears. I spoke with his father a while ago and he just said that I was like his daughter but he didnt mention his grandson or ask to see us.

    I feel so lost and for some reason I just cant let go of the fact that he wont ever meet his son. He and his family are practising muslims. I still email him asking him to see his son but he never replied.

    Should I ring his parents again? Its so hurtful that they and he act as though we dont exist and even if they would just tell me to get lost I would at least know. Should I ring him? My dad says I need to let go and forget it but for some reason I cant. My son is so beautiful and I am so happy to be a mother but I dont know what to do about this situation.

  16. Soraiya says:

    In relation to the article- I live alone with my son and am working and studying to support us. I live in an area where there are many muslims. I see my muslim neighbours everyday and they tend to keep their distance, my immediate neighbours dont speak to me at all. Although I feel very alone I also think that the keep their distance because a single parent is something that is feared. I represent what the women who live around me would never want to be and to some extent I can understand that they do not want to speak to me much because my situation is so controversial to them. Although it would be very nice to have some friends around here I think we are all guilty of shying away from things that we dont understand and I dont begrudge them for not talking to me. Although saying that a ‘Good Morning’ wouldnt hurt!! Additionally, I do not know any other muslim single mothers and wish I could have a friend or two in a similar situation to me. I have searched around on the internet for forums but havent found anything.

    • haleema says:

      Asalaamu Alaikum Soraiya,

      Where do you live? Please email me. I am a single muslim mother looking for other sisters in a similar situation.

    • summaya says:

      asalaamualykum sister,
      its been one and a half years since my divorce now and i still havent found any other single muslims (mum)friends.i can relate to how difficult it is ,and its a mystry as to why. im studying and working too and it can be hard to find time to socialise.I think a reason maybe due to not telling people im a single parent ,im not ashamed or anything of that sort but i dont like the numerous questions that follow.
      A lot of sisters on here have spoken about creating a group at mosque for lone parents to talk etc,i think that would be great if there were any but here in birmingham there arent any.I might consider starting one.see what happens.

    • aiesha says:

      salaam, I am a new convert thinking about my future in Islam and the future of my children. I came from a very abusive household and bullied at school also so it was a constant stream of violence and bullying till I was 18 so by the time I started dating anyone saying I love you well you can guess, I have now got three children by three fathers who obviously don’t want to know except one who is non Muslim and a drinker who I don’t see he lives quite far away but keeps in touch by phone. I love my kids and instead of crumbling I remain strong. and now I have Allah I feel invincible even though I still get days of loneliness and I know what you mean about people and society cutting you of. even though I am a single parent I am a woman and one day I would actually like to be asked to marry one day not just for me but to have a real male pious role model. now I know that this may well most likely wont happen but I sometimes feel like on the day of judgement I will be standing there not as a Muslim but a failure even though my kids are amazing wonderful a tad spoiled human beings who while I was writing this were washing up for me because they could see I was tired after a very long week. even though I am a single mom I don’t fall into what you would call the stereotypes I love Allah with all my heart and so now try to live according to what he wants even though that’s easier said than done and even before I converted I didn’t drink I did smoke cigarettes (outside of the house) because of the stress but now I have Allah I stopped and I turn to him instead. will any Muslim brother ever think of me as there future wife lol im laughing because its so unlikely its actually funny.

  17. sabina says:

    Assalamualaikum to all my brothers & sisters.I am humbled to see all of you so strong & resilient.Myself being a single parent with 2 daughters and a son,it’s maddening at times.When i am able to balance the financial part I lag behind in some other area.And then those huge shining tears in my children’s eyes when they hungrily look at other fathers hugging their kids…there are good days too when my kids sense my sadness & say that they don’t miss their dad what with such a wonderful mother!They r aware that he has married and moved on.Still they miss him.May ALMIGHTY ALLAH give us all the strenght and patience to be strong in our deen & to be good parents.Ameen.

  18. F says:

    Assalam o Alaikum, reading all these comments just make me want to express how I feel. I am living alone with my two kids for almost 2 yrs. My husband due to his job and his family decided to move back home. I was left here with two kids to take care of.
    I live in a community full of very practising Muslims but everyone seems to be so busy that they have no idea what goes on next door. I work full time and have to struggle between my job, kids, chores, grocery etc. There are times when I dont have the time to cook at all and my kids are waiting at home alone for me to come back to feed them. I always wonder none of these nice muslim friends ever extend any help. Instead I had a Hindu neighbor who sent me food on few different occasions. I have always tried to help in the community in any way I can and Alhamdolilah it was only to please Allah. I have learned to live all alone without anyone’s help or support. I get everything I need from Almihty Allah. I just ask Allah for all the help and his mercy and I have been very lucky with that. I have no social life at all but I feel I dont need such friends that are only friends when there is a party at my place and the rest of the year I never hear from them. Some of them pass by my house but never stopped to ask my kids if they needed anything at all. Alhamdililah, Alhamdoliah Allah has put me in a position where I dont beg anyone for anything at all. I have been trying to manage everything myself by the blessings of Allah. To all my sisters who are single parent please find your strength in Allah and Allah only. He is the only one who can provide. No one else can.
    Wassaalam
    sister F in North America

  19. muslimah says:

    I am a single mother, I have two boys, and they are my miracle from God, a gift from Allah. I want to say to all the single mothers in our muslim community not to worry or stress out being a single mother, just all you have to do is to be a good parent and seek Allah’s help to guide u and your children for sure Allah is the best provider. say Alxamdulilah for having children because only Allah can give children and dont forget only Allah can help u raise your children no one else, I am proud to be a mother to my sons and belief that Allah made me single mother to be safe and live harmonny with my boys. so be thankfull to Allah and seek his help to be a good parents insha Allah everything will workout

  20. Sister M in Indonesia says:

    I only want to say thank you for this article. I read all the comments and some of them really make me sad. I also a single parent for more than 10 years. I have 3 children. I also experienced all the things that a single mother has to face (especially in muslim communities)so I can understand completely the issues mentioned in the article and comments. I’m still young now, but my oldest son is already in college and he is my best friend in the world. My doughter, and my youngest son, they are also my best friends (the youngest son is already 13). They are bright, kind-hearted and always been helpful to me. With all the troubles I have to face, I enjoy my life with them. For all single parents here, I believe Allah will give you your rewards, in this dunyaa and in the akhirah, InsyaAllah.

  21. Jumana says:

    ASA,

    it made me almost crying to read all the stories here. And they are all so similar to mine. I am a single mother of a two years old kid. We should support each other – although living in different countries, we could at least do it by email or so. I would love to be in contact with somebody of you guys. The feeling of being guilty and the loneliness sometimes make me mad.

    • hammour says:

      asalamu alaykum sister amsigle father ihave one boy 10 yers old dessable amloken after hem because he lost his mums 3yers gow und am loockeng for singles mother whit one kids und ichalaah am happy togo haad inchallah wa salaamu alaykum

  22. Yasmeen A says:

    Thank you for this article, the stigma has to stop! I have been a single parent for under a year and already the stress is beginning to wear on me and the friends who were quick to support in the beginning are pulling away with their own busy lives and it gets quite lonely at times. I wish there were support groups through the masjid, or at least online. It was refreshing to even just read the comments and realize there are others out there!

  23. Scara Dommallo says:

    Thank you for this lovely article … it was very splendid :)

  24. MN says:

    To parent and raise a child alone – well it sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Their dad is involved but i do most of the work. Grocery, errands, entertainment, stopping fights – a 24 hr job. My patience runs thin and i feel i am so behind in teaching them things esp abt the faith. I don’t like ppl seeing me as a bird with a broken wing. They see me as incomplete and more of a burden to get to know when infact, in the U.S it’s not a big deal. I dont like that i am a statistic.

    I don’t mind being on my own even though it was not my choice. I was in it for life!

    What really really sucks? The income downgrade. I was a professional then a stay home parent. I was destroyed financially. I couldnt even get a credit card. I’m poor, i work part-time and cant have any savings. A vacation is a fantasy. What else? It’s very very lonely. Thats the hardest part. Not having another grown up around to support you. I would love to have a regular gathering, but even that has been hard. I dont get invited to places bc well, i dont have a husband that their husbands can get to know. I dont think anyone thinks i would steal their spouse bc trust me Ive seen the guys, not interested. I would love to meet a normal moderate muslim who knows islam but can also go see a movie. That is the challenge.

    I know other women have it worse. Or they r dealing with the death of a spouse. My kids still see their dad and love him to death. I made sure of that.

    No matter where you are as a Muslim parent, from U.S. to Indonesia to England, i hope you know you are strong and certainly not alone. Ive given ip on the community for most part and do things alone. I had to realize that . Its ok. Its hard but it is what it is. Maybe a diff community would be bettet. I dont have all the resources but I’M STILL STANDING! God bless you all

  25. maida says:

    Assalaamu Alaikum
    Its really hard being a single mom. I have been throught a divorce and I have two girls. I presently live with my mom in one room with my kids. there is no breathing space. I do have a job but cannot afford a rent with my salary. I got an offer after my divorce , thinking that this person would assist me financially, but this was not so. He want me only to satisfy his carnal desires and often got angry when I spend time with my kids. So he ask for divorce. Most men in my country are like this to us single moms, they just want to use us, even the muslim brothers. I dont know where and how else to turn. I desperately need a home for me and my kids, I cannot get a loan because my salary is too low for the amount that would be required for a home… Im so depressed….why do we muslim women have to give our bodies in exchange for basic necessities. this may also mean neglecting your kids to fulfil the man’s desires.
    I make dua everyday, so too does my kids….but we are losing hope…
    need some guidance ….
    khuda hafiz.

    • deja says:

      Salaam maida,

      Your story brought me to tears. Being a single mother myself for five year, with also 2 girls, i really understand your situation. Don’t lose hope. Never stop making dua to Allah every single day. Have faith in Allah always.Always be positive. The time will come when you & your kids will live in your own home. May Allah grant us patience and strength.

    • mn says:

      One has to take it day by day sometimes Maida. Sometimes, it is hard for me to breathe also. It’s claustrophobic. But realize you are still a full individual and find what you have to do to get yourself through the moments of depression. Locally, find a gym and go workout, exercise is great for the mental health. Your mental health is imp. Sign up for something, they also do membership based on income so ask around. Watch movies, pray, whatever it takes to get over that hump. Go to your local library and spend time there. Just don’t give up hope. And personally, don’t wait for a man. You are strong and you can do it. I hope this helps you and not offends you. :)

  26. jasmine says:

    welcome to the secret world of todays modern muslim muslimahs. why am i single? i am single because i was promised marriage and a last name but once the baby happened he ran away with his tail between his legs. i was not born into islam, i am a convert. his family knows about him and yet has never met him. we will not marry due to his violent behavior. i know i was wrong but at least im facing the concequences rather than running away. my only thought is that i wish the baby’s father wasnt so violent, then we could be together. the islamic community wants nothing to do with me, and hope to find a good musim brother is dwindling. insha’Allah all will work out fine.. i just feel so alone. right now i am working at mcdonald’s sleeping on my mom’s couch trying to find an apartment and get a car. life sucks.

  27. annusha says:

    Hey Everyone,

    I am a 31 year old widow with a 4-year old daughter. My husband, an angel, expired just two months ago. I am gathering all courage to raise my child as single parent. People are discouraging me and undermining my will by showing me scenarios of single parent. But, remarrying anyone means doing injustice for my child. It is not my will to find a person and impose a father on my little girl. I want to be her sole friend and share her happiness and sorrows with me. Do you think it is more advisable to live single or is it difficult.

    • Binaahmad says:

      Hold firm my love people are horrible but be strong and contact me if you would like a friend or just someone to listen. If you feel like you can alone and protect your self from sin and provide for her then why not ?
      But know there is no sin in marrying again

  28. UmmuMuhammad says:

    well said through & through (in regards to the article & comments),Parents can be parents and friends at the same time with their children, i am living proof as my mother is my bestest friend!

  29. Misbah says:

    Asalaamualaikum, wonderful article mashallah. To any single mums out there, we have an amazing support group on Facebook called single Muslim mums, there is both a page and group. Insha’allah we aim to create a charity too for single Muslim mums. Please check us out and spread the word.

  30. Noha says:

    Asa, I’m a single mum. I work full time and I do not receive any child support. My dad and my sister have moved 9n with me 2 yrs ago. I’m the only one working in the home. I have a special needs child, and I’m considering moving out by myself simply because I can no longer afford supporting my father and sister. I’m not sure if by doing this I’ll be committing a sin. My sister has not been able to find a job and my father has put me in a situation where I can’t tell him to go back home (he has a pension there and an apartment). I’m really not sure what to do. The burden is huge and I can no longer afford it anymore. Any advise would be appreciated

  31. aiesha says:

    salaam ask them for help there is always a solution Allah made it so, cherish your family who love you and show it by being there with you and your child, keep them close as close as you can because if they were not there you would soon know believe me. your situation now is well it needs tweaking a bit but your situation is somebody’s dream I mean having family around them don’t worry sister Allah will show you the way.:)

  32. Mn says:

    It’s Friday night. I’m not going anywhere just hanging out with my kids and just want you all to know you are not alone. I’m thinking of you guys!

  33. francoise says:

    I really enjoyed this article. I’m a convert that is a single mom of an autistic child ( and I’m single due to divorce). I feel the same way pretty much alone, because in the muslim community there is not much support and it gets worst when you have a special needs child. May Allah grant us all peace.

  34. Sharifa says:

    I love this article and all the comments made me weep Im a new mother and have just separated from my husband I dont see him coming to take me back we are both very stubborn but still wants to see my child which is really hard for me as I really dont want my child to come from a broken family it will be hard for them going from parent to parent im scared it will mess my child up mentally im currently living with my parents who are great support to me but i pray allah guides me and my husband to make our marriage work for my child’s sake

  35. Suhaib says:

    I am a brother who is from a broken family myself my dad left my mum and married again i have 7brothers and sisters whi my mum raised on her own some went on wrong path including myself commiting zina taking drugs etc I changed when i met my wife and i knew she would be perfect to come into my family and take care of my mum for my mothers sake i married my wife after less than 2years of marriage and with a newborn baby me and my wife have separated as she didnt get along with my mother a big argument caused me to lash out on her my wife has moved in with her sister now with our baby i still love her but plan to divorce her so i can marry again to someone who my mum has chosen i feel guilty leaving my child without a father but the girl i plan to marry wants me to cut all ties with my wife i dont want to hurt my mother who has already been through a lot in her life but i dont want my child to be fatherless

    • adisab says:

      Salam – brother, please don’t divorce your wife. Your child will suffer. If your would-be second wife wants you to cut off all relations with your own flesh and blood (your baby), then that is not an Islamic thing to do.

      Secondly, your first wife is not a servant (my apologies if this sentence sounds strong). Your wife ahs a right to a place (or atleast a room/bathroom/kitchen) for herself and her family (you and your baby).

      This DOES NOT mean that your wife should misbehave with your mother. No! Not at all!

      But taking care of your mother is your responsibility, not your wife’s. However, your MUST remain wife is polite, civil, decent and RESPECTFUL to your mother.

      Its your responsibility first, as a man with multiple roles (son, husband, father) can maintain a balance and peace in the house.

      I don’t want to say your wife is not reponsbile. No. But your first wife left her father’s home and came to you. Try your best to maintain the peace and justice in your family life, my brother. MAKE THE FIRST MOVE TO SPEAK TO YOUR FIRST WIFE – AND “BE SINCERE” IN PATCH-UP. DONOT let your EGO or FALSE PRIDE (i.e. Shaitaan) take hold of you.

      Believe me, breaking the family is a HUGE LOSS for all parties involved.

      I would recommend you watch the videos about family by Mufti Menk on youtube.

      Good luck. May Allah guide you, your mother and your wife towards the right pat; a peaceful and successful family life, and jannah. Ameen.

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