Single Parenting
Parenting is a tough job, but single parenting is an even tougher challenge, as one parent tries to fulfill the roles of both a mother and a father to their child. Single parenting is highly demanding physically, emotionally and financially. There can be numerous reasons and circumstances for single parenting, such as divorce, a spouse working abroad, a child born out of wedlock, or even the illness or death of a parent. Sadly, the Muslim community often alienates and ostracizes single parents and is often selective regarding which single parent “deserves” compassion, based on the reasons they are single. A judgmental attitude does not help encourage single parents to be the best parents possible to their child(ren). Compassion and support from the community is necessary to help single parents on their challenging journey. This article seeks to offer constructive support to single parents as they seek to raise their children, insha’Allah.
Numerous examples exist in the Islamic tradition of single parents who successfully raised children to become strong individuals. These individuals then left a legacy for humanity which shines more brightly, specifically because of being raised by single parents. Hajar, the mother of Prophet Ismail (pbuh), Maryam, the mother of Prophet Isa (pbuh), and Amina, the mother of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), all raised their sons alone due to different circumstances. They all put their trust in Allah and worked hard to be the best parents they could be to their children. Also, the mothers of Imam al-Shafi’, Imam Ahmed and Imam Bukhari raised their sons alone, all of whom later became renowned figures that left a major impact on the world. The reality is that single Muslim parents do exist today. They need support as they strive to raise resilient Muslim children for the future.
Children raised by single parents thrive in homes where there is stability, safety, love, and consistency. A single parent that is committed to providing loving discipline will create an environment for the child to truly flourish. Raising secure and successful children requires single parents to confidently implement the following parenting skills.
Discipline
Sometimes single parents may feel guilty or overwhelmed by their parenting duties, so they resort to weak enforcement or bending of “rules” in order to make their child happy and reduce potential conflict. Some parents may compensate for the absence of the other parent by being permissive in their parenting style. Single parents must be careful to not allow children to dismiss rules set by the parent or to become their “friends.” Setting boundaries for children creates much needed structure in all households (single and dual) because children want to know that their parent has rules and has set limits and expectations. Boundaries also create a sense of safety for a child because the roles of the parent and child have been clearly established. Parental limits teach the child to respect the parent and solidify their role in the family.
Consistency
Children dealing with a divorce or a death will crave stability as they adjust to their new life with one parent. Establishing routines, schedules and traditions are important for children when adjusting to a new family dynamic. A child wants to know what to expect and look forward to on a daily basis. Consistency in everyday routines gives the child(ren) a feeling of security and stability. Focusing on creating morning routines, weekly schedules and dinners together are small ways that single parents can create constancy for their child. Availability by the parent in terms of attention and physical presence will assure the child(ren) a sense of belonging. Also, creating new traditions and memories during holidays and special occasions reaffirms the new family identity.
Emotional Support
Single parents and their children may struggle with various feelings and emotions surrounding their new family structure. The parent and child may struggle with changes and upheavals in their life, and may share with one another the challenges of the new family structure. Parents need to listen and truly hear their child(ren) when they share their thoughts and feelings. Parents must not make disparaging comments about the other parent as a means to gain the sympathy of the child(ren). Despite common stress, parents must not turn to their child for emotional support nor burden them with the personal struggles they encounter. Parents must turn to their social circles and confide in other adults and friends only. Confiding worries or complaining to a child is inappropriate, regardless of the level of maturity of the child. It is extremely detrimental to children to absorb the thoughts and feelings of their parents. Children need to remain children and should not become a “friend” or “therapist” to the parent. Parents who feel stressed, depressed, anxious or lonely, should seek professional guidance or support from other adults as they adjust to single parenthood.
It takes a Village
Single parents will need help and support with the endless tasks and responsibilities of raising the child(ren) . This requires being comfortable asking for help from family and friends. Seeking support with childcare, such as carpooling, help in case of emergencies, or schedule conflicts at work, will benefit single parents when they are stretched in multiple directions. Creating a teamwork environment at home where the child(ren) have chores and responsibilities is also important so that the child(ren) understand their role in the family and feel like capable contributors.
Take Care of Yourself
Single parents work hard to care and provide for their children; many times, they neglect themselves or may feel guilty taking time away from their children. However, it is necessary for parents to take care of themselves physically, emotionally and spiritually. Giving without replenishing will limit a parent’s ability to be their best. Scheduling time for hobbies and enjoyable activities like reading, watching a movie, having coffee with a friend, etc. are ways parents can find personal fulfillment. Creating time to exercise, eat properly and focusing on prayer and reconnection to Allah will help with managing stress and living a more balanced life. Developing a social network of close friends or other single parents will also empower parents so they do not feel alone in their journey. Strong support systems can enable single parents to share and feel accepted by other adults who understand their context. Ultimately the child(ren)’s emotional well-being hinges on the parent’s healthy and balanced lifestyle.
Single Muslim parents who have a positive attitude and express resiliency will model strong character to their children. Single parents must be kind to themselves and focus on doing their best. They will not be “perfect” nor will they be able to fill the shoes of the second parent. Being the best parent is being present and connected with your child(ren) in a manner that is loving and encouraging every day. These are the most important things you can do as a parent, single or otherwise.
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assalamualaikum , just wanna ask , why we cant make our child as our friend ? do they later will unrespect us or by doing that have any explaination for that ?
Salaams, I am a single parent mother of two children and I am Muslim. The reason for being a single parent is due to my divorce. I have basically withdrawn myself from the Muslim community because there is no support for me there as a single parent. And it seems as though the women I try to befriend are all afraid their husbands are going to want to add me as a second wife. I just don’t get it. I truly love and admire the religion of Islam but its followers are another thing. I have found that solitude is my only desirable place within any Islamic community at this point. Thank you for this article. I agree 100%.
MA
asa, the social circles are really bad in the muslim community. it seems that everyone is agoraphobic at the moment. its sad to hear of your plight sister but i do think that the ummah has become really unsociable and the boring mosques don’t cater to anyone except those who fund it and the oldies in the committies.
may Allah make you his freind ameen
Try making friends in the Arab Muslim community; especially Egyptian community. They have no problems with it; they might even add you as a second wife. South Asians do have problem with single parents whether due to divorce, out of wedlock, or even widow who doesn’t get married again within a year or two if she under 50. I can’t tell you why but it is. Arabs are much free in that regard. I read about a two Arab best friends and when his friend Dad died; he’s says don’t worry I’ll marry your Mom. That’s little too much for me… But whatever is halal I make no judgements.
Dear Sister,
May Allah (SWT) reward you for your patience and grant you good companionship from the muslim community.
An excellent article, Sister Munira.
I happen to be from a poor, single parent household and the very things you mentioned were employed by my mother, and, sadly, her mother before her as well.
I’m afraid I don’t understand the stigma and the prejudice of many Muslims concerning single parent households or people from single parent households, especially since some of the pillars within our tradition, including some of the Prophets themselves (peace be upon them), come from less than ideal family situations. What is the source of this prejudice? I’m a convert from an area where unfortunately most people hail from single parent households (or even worse) and growing up I thought these family scenarios were rather “normal.” (Given the divorce rate, I wasn’t too far off, among other things). At the very least, I didn’t judge anyone for not being from a “good family,” whatever that means. As someone who comes from this background, I find it difficult to interact with Muslims who hold these negative perceptions of this unfortunate reality. Any tips on how to shed some light about this situation?
Jazak’Allah Kheir!
We need more articles like this especially since increasingly mothers are finding themselves as single parents for some period of time. It seems our communities expect us to either remain in bad marriages, marry lesser desirable men because we already have children or become nuns!!! May Allah strengthen all of he single moms out there, and grant u ur knight in shining armor one day too! Ameen.
well said….allah gave us a choice and choosing to leave a bad marriage is something that benefits both parent and child(ren)…..
Jazakallah khair for this very important and insightful post! I also feel that the Muslim community is not doing enough to address the issue of single parenting.
JazakAllah. This was a helpful article. As a Muslim single father, I feel exceptionally isolated. Allah chose to have me convert after having a child and the best response is alhamdulillah. I assume when most people conceptualize single parents, they often think of single mothers. I don’t know how many others like me (single dads) exist, but it’s at least good to know that us single parents are being thought about. May Allah reward you for your time and thoughtfulness.
I’m certainly glad this topic has actually addressed. I am a single Muslim father and I’m struggling so much right now. I’ve turned almost entirely to my Muslim community and they’ve helped me deal with a lot of my stress, but I’m waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. Finding other single Muslim fathers is tough since it’s so rare.
thankx alot for letting us know with these important issues in religion. i like da part “Islam is not a state of being but it is a process of becoming..” i appreciate the way u answer, very motivating nd convincing.excellent article. good work.
I love how you addressed the issue of how people are selective with which single parent “deserves” compassion. Whatever the reason is for their single parenthood, they deserve compassion as human beings striving to do the right thing and raise their family. jazakallah khair for writing this article!
ameen…
well said…. may ALLAH give us single parents the guidance we need and the sabr to grow our children in the most Islamic way possible…..
very good read and topic. Jazakum Allahu khairan. I’m divorced and mostly raising my children on my own.
Big “however” — I have some issues with the term single parent, especially as it applies to me. Because 1) I was not single when I became a mom, and certainly did not become a mom on my own, and 2) even if their parents divorced, my kids still have a dad. The term “single parent” seems to negate that.
Alhamdulillah, despite a very ugly divorce process at the time — I give him credit where due: he pays child support, he spends time with them on the weekends, and is still a caring presence in their lives. No matter what, he is their father.
Even in the case of those dead-beat dads or a deceased father — in terms of our kids’ sense of dignity and belonging, ties of kinship, etc. they need to feel from us that yes, they have a lineage through their father as much as kinship through their mom.
Finally, I feel the term kind of puts me in an identity ghetto of being alone.
So while the term is apt because how it describes the situation of parenting on its own — it has some negative connotations for me.
By the way — this is not a criticism of the article and obviously “single parent” is the popular term used to describe this situation and the author is justified in using it. I hope there is no need to “defend” the author, because again I am not criticizing the use of the term.
Merely sharing some of the negative meanings that term has for me. Hopefully this adds another dimension to the discussion.
Great article. I definitely relate to this situation, as I am a single mother to my 4 yr old daughter. I have a few challenges. One is being a fairly recent convert to Islam, and working to transition my daughter from celebrating the pagan holidays the rest of my family still observes, into our Muslim holidays. It’s been really important to me to try to create a support system for ourselves, with other Muslims who can be there for us and offer advice.
But I had my daughter outside of marriage, years before I converted to Islam, and I feel like I am judged for it. I find myself having to explain my daughter, which I resent having to do. The way I put it is that she is the best part of my old life =). But I do not feel as welcomed by my new community as I would have hoped. Insha’Allah, we will get all the strength and guidance we need.
Sr. Kareema
You are only answerable to Allah; I know it is hard, when one has to survive in the community, to answer their unreasonable and intrusive questions, but part of being a muslim is NOT to ask personal questions. I have now started staying away from them and only dealing with people who do not judge me (I am divorced, no kids, but am still kept away by other south Asian wives who see me as a threat to their marriages when I would not want their husbands even if they were offerred to me!). So trust me, kids or no kids, women treat women poorly because of their cultural baggages, and not bec of Islam. try to find your own comfort zone with/out them
Sr. Seema, thank you for your encouraging words and support. =)
As-salaam Alaikum,
Thanks for raising an important issue in our society.
Single Parenting could be really challenging sometimes. May Allah guide the single parents to raise their child in Islamic way. Also in Islam, it is encouraged to get married if possible as in save a person from indulging in sin.
As an Ummah we should show compassion towards single parents. However the only point which as a Ummah that we should discourage is supporting a culture where “a child born out of wedlock” becomes normal. The only way to prevent and discourage this sin, is to have fear of Allah. May Allah SWT make us follow His path, and keep us from compromising our religion.
Ur lucky ur not a woman… Its stupid really, that Muslim women don’t help other Muslim women; worried about spouse stealing etc. As a Muslim man I can’t really help a Muslim women because she or society will think I have some ulterior motive and generally its advisable to maintain distance from unmarried women.
salaam, this all shows the great need for communities to rediscover themselves and re-learn what the term ummah means. the stories about the early migrants to medina would and should be enough for people to open their doors and forget the crude manner by which this cynical world looks at situations. I’m irish, and the only way is open that bloody door and leave it open (this is the time to act out our islam and without doing so our time in this world has truly been wasted) peace
Being a converted muslim single mom and raising my daughter in Islam alone, I would appreciate the single moms group at MCA meeting at the mosque. Currently the group meets at a private home, but this makes me feel that I’m hidden. I am single due to divorce and this life transition has been so difficult that I’m surprised the mosque has so few accessible resources to address this all-too-common pain.
I have found ummah tends to be rather harsh and judgmental so its best to be persistent (have a thick skin) and find those true sisters who will support and encourage you in the truth & straight path, inshallah. As several brothers & sisters have said, we always have Allah and the teachings of the Prophet, peace & blessing be upon him. Recently a Turkish friend told me, Why go to the mosque? Your home is a mosque!
Our family & muslim friends in our home are our congregation!
Thanks be to Allah for Sister Munira’s work. I hope I get to meet the very single parents who have responded so warmly to this Sister’s article. Why not get creative and arrange a singles event just for single parents (or would the 100 women outnumber the 2 men–ha ha)? Marriage is a fulfillment of our deen, and why should we not have a second chance? Allah SWT forgives us daily for our sins. Arrahmanir Rahim. ameen
AA
I came across this article by chance and it makes me happy to know that I am not alone. I am in a difficult situation and would greatly appreciate some advice. My marriage broke down while I was pregnant. My ex husband is pakistani and we lived alone for the majority of the marriage. He was very nice during the engagement but he changed when we married. His family were very good to me while we were married. My ex husband was very forceful and I left while I was pregnant. When I left I was three months pregnant. I rang his family a couple of times but they didnt really want to speak to me. My exhusband contacted me once when i was 6 months pregnant but I was very distressed and would not speak with him. Neither him or his family ever contacted me again. My son is now nearly three years old. I have sent many emails to my exhusband with photos of his son and asking that he meet him but he never ever replied. I made a csa claim but he never paid at all and there are huge arrears. I spoke with his father a while ago and he just said that I was like his daughter but he didnt mention his grandson or ask to see us.
I feel so lost and for some reason I just cant let go of the fact that he wont ever meet his son. He and his family are practising muslims. I still email him asking him to see his son but he never replied.
Should I ring his parents again? Its so hurtful that they and he act as though we dont exist and even if they would just tell me to get lost I would at least know. Should I ring him? My dad says I need to let go and forget it but for some reason I cant. My son is so beautiful and I am so happy to be a mother but I dont know what to do about this situation.
In relation to the article- I live alone with my son and am working and studying to support us. I live in an area where there are many muslims. I see my muslim neighbours everyday and they tend to keep their distance, my immediate neighbours dont speak to me at all. Although I feel very alone I also think that the keep their distance because a single parent is something that is feared. I represent what the women who live around me would never want to be and to some extent I can understand that they do not want to speak to me much because my situation is so controversial to them. Although it would be very nice to have some friends around here I think we are all guilty of shying away from things that we dont understand and I dont begrudge them for not talking to me. Although saying that a ‘Good Morning’ wouldnt hurt!! Additionally, I do not know any other muslim single mothers and wish I could have a friend or two in a similar situation to me. I have searched around on the internet for forums but havent found anything.
Asalaamu Alaikum Soraiya,
Where do you live? Please email me. I am a single muslim mother looking for other sisters in a similar situation.
ws Halima
Thank you for your reply!!
How would I get your email adress?
I am in London.
Regards
Assalamualaikum to all my brothers & sisters.I am humbled to see all of you so strong & resilient.Myself being a single parent with 2 daughters and a son,it’s maddening at times.When i am able to balance the financial part I lag behind in some other area.And then those huge shining tears in my children’s eyes when they hungrily look at other fathers hugging their kids…there are good days too when my kids sense my sadness & say that they don’t miss their dad what with such a wonderful mother!They r aware that he has married and moved on.Still they miss him.May ALMIGHTY ALLAH give us all the strenght and patience to be strong in our deen & to be good parents.Ameen.
Assalam o Alaikum, reading all these comments just make me want to express how I feel. I am living alone with my two kids for almost 2 yrs. My husband due to his job and his family decided to move back home. I was left here with two kids to take care of.
I live in a community full of very practising Muslims but everyone seems to be so busy that they have no idea what goes on next door. I work full time and have to struggle between my job, kids, chores, grocery etc. There are times when I dont have the time to cook at all and my kids are waiting at home alone for me to come back to feed them. I always wonder none of these nice muslim friends ever extend any help. Instead I had a Hindu neighbor who sent me food on few different occasions. I have always tried to help in the community in any way I can and Alhamdolilah it was only to please Allah. I have learned to live all alone without anyone’s help or support. I get everything I need from Almihty Allah. I just ask Allah for all the help and his mercy and I have been very lucky with that. I have no social life at all but I feel I dont need such friends that are only friends when there is a party at my place and the rest of the year I never hear from them. Some of them pass by my house but never stopped to ask my kids if they needed anything at all. Alhamdililah, Alhamdoliah Allah has put me in a position where I dont beg anyone for anything at all. I have been trying to manage everything myself by the blessings of Allah. To all my sisters who are single parent please find your strength in Allah and Allah only. He is the only one who can provide. No one else can.
Wassaalam
sister F in North America
I am a single mother, I have two boys, and they are my miracle from God, a gift from Allah. I want to say to all the single mothers in our muslim community not to worry or stress out being a single mother, just all you have to do is to be a good parent and seek Allah’s help to guide u and your children for sure Allah is the best provider. say Alxamdulilah for having children because only Allah can give children and dont forget only Allah can help u raise your children no one else, I am proud to be a mother to my sons and belief that Allah made me single mother to be safe and live harmonny with my boys. so be thankfull to Allah and seek his help to be a good parents insha Allah everything will workout
I only want to say thank you for this article. I read all the comments and some of them really make me sad. I also a single parent for more than 10 years. I have 3 children. I also experienced all the things that a single mother has to face (especially in muslim communities)so I can understand completely the issues mentioned in the article and comments. I’m still young now, but my oldest son is already in college and he is my best friend in the world. My doughter, and my youngest son, they are also my best friends (the youngest son is already 13). They are bright, kind-hearted and always been helpful to me. With all the troubles I have to face, I enjoy my life with them. For all single parents here, I believe Allah will give you your rewards, in this dunyaa and in the akhirah, InsyaAllah.