Problems with Attraction


http://www.flickr.com/photos/mgrap/663288402/Question:

I have been trying to get married for the past few years, and the main problem I am facing is that whoever is brought to me as a prospect through my family or the community, I am just not physically attracted to them; and it is not because I am looking for a super model or anything. My family and some friends tell me that physical attraction is not important and that personality is what one must focus on. The problem is that I am not attracted to women from my own ethnic background (South Asian), but rather feel an innate attraction towards Asian women (Chinese/Filipino). The reason this is becoming a problem is that there aren’t many single Muslim women from these backgrounds available in my community or in the communities I have been to. My attraction toward Asian women is growing every day, and I feel that if I don’t marry an Asian woman, then I will have a sense of unfulfillment in my life. It is this fear that keeps me from proceeding with any of the prospects my family brings forward. What can I do about this problem?

Answer:

Attraction is very subjective and unique to each individual, as it is a combination of your personality and environment. Feeling physically attracted to your future wife is just as important as liking her personality.  Not feeling physically attracted towards your wife could cause major problems in your marriage. Further, if you marry a South Asian woman as your family expects, rather than an Asian woman as you desire, you may develop a feeling that she is never good enough and end up feeling resentful towards her and towards your family. Your wife may even feel like she is a disappointment to you or that you don’t really love her without really understanding your reasons.

You need to engage in self-reflection to determine what specifically about Asian women you are attracted to, besides physical appearance.  Explore your ideas about Asian women’s personalities, qualities, and cultural attitudes toward marriage that you may be attracted to and seeking in a spouse. Also explore what your life experiences have possibly taught you about women of other ethnicities and why possibly you are not attracted to them. This can help you understand why you are attracted to Asian women versus South Asian women. You also need to change your thinking paradigm. Being attracted to a particular ethnicity is not “a problem”; rather this is something unique about you. Be honest with yourself and be honest with your family by sharing with them that you wish to marry an Asian Muslim woman.  You will need to determine if your parents are open to the idea of you marrying someone outside of your ethnicity and what path you are going to choose for yourself. Yes, it can be difficult to find an Asian Muslim woman; however, it is not impossible. Actively seeking an Asian Muslim woman for marriage will require that you throw out a “bigger net” and look outside your immediate community, perhaps even online, and let your friends and family know about the type of person you seek for marriage.


WebbCounselors is a collaborative advice column produced by two WebbAuthors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. To read our full disclaimer, please visit our disclaimer page. To submit questions to the WebbCounselors, please email webbcounselors@suhaibwebb.com.


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