The Hardest Company to Keep


By Umm Ibrahim

Dearest Heart,

You are closer to me than my own two sides, a Divinely apportioned piece of my very existence, sometimes dark and sometimes alight. You’re with me everywhere I go, a fixed companion, running so deep that sometimes I don’t know where you end and I begin. You can be a seat of spiritual happiness for the one who possesses you; brimming with a light no other vessel can contain, seeing beyond seeing. And at other times – and in truth, that’s most of the time with me, dear Heart – you can be the very opposite. At those times, you are the hardest company for me to keep.

Bit by bit it started, all by my own doing: weaknesses and heedlessness, blind indulgence and conscious ignorance; brazenly sinning while turning a blind eye to the spiritual illnesses developing within. One sin after another I committed, until you became almost unrecognizable beneath the layers of darkness building up inside. And I kept committing sins even when the pleasure was gone, just because the habit was so deeply fixed. Even when the sweetness became bitter, and the initial charm of the deeds I was committing became stale and repugnant, I continued, seeking to dull the ever-growing pain inside without too much introspection. “A cup I drank to taste its pleasure, and then another to chase its pain.”

I filled you with all manners of worldly things, but the aching and emptiness would not abate. Somehow, I deluded myself into thinking that the wounds would heal by these methods, and that the inner damage – self-inflicted – would somehow come to be repaired on its own. And I forced myself not to care. I lost something so precious when I lost you, dear Heart, beneath the darkness of sins and the choking hold of worldly attachments. I was a tightly closed shell whose pearl had somehow slipped away.

I found myself with pain running so deep, habits so ingrained, a path so steep before me… and heart-less, in the truest meaning of that word. It was hard for me to see a way to turn back.  But it’s there: I’ve found it, and it’s time.


Dearest Heart,

I’ve come to realize my absolute need for Allah (swt), down to my very core, and to see where I’ve gone wrong. How foolish to think that a spiritual vessel like you would be satisfied with less than His remembrance. You have taught me the truth of my existence: that without connection to Him, without the happiness of knowing Him and being true to Him, one will feel a painful emptiness, a sorrow, that cannot be filled with anything else.

I’m ready to strip away empty promises and convoluted excuses. I want to walk on this path upright, penitent, aware of my faults but constantly seeking a way back to Him. I need you with me dear Heart, and I pray it’s not too late. I’ll try my best to heal your wounds, and scrub away to your polished core, by His permission, through worship, His remembrance, and His aid. The path ahead is not an easy one and I know I’ll make mistakes, but I hope you’ll keep my company as we travel this road, the road of repentance, together. I will do right by you, God-willing, and you in turn, I pray, will help me reach His nearness.

Sincerely,

Me

Print Friendly

24 Comments

  1. umm yusuf says:

    Masha’Allah!

  2. Mardy says:

    Beautiful letter. Jazakallah khair sister. I hope my heart understands this, as it sounds like a letter to my own heart too.

  3. Khajija says:

    “Bit by bit it started, all by my own doing: weaknesses and heedlessness, blind indulgence and conscious ignorance; brazenly sinning while turning a blind eye to the spiritual illnesses developing within”

    Exactly how i feel at time point in time. Only God can guide my steps and show me the way cuz i have consciously been wronging myself and and now, the future looks so so blurred.

    May Allah(SWT)not let us to continue following our vain desires,May He make firm our footing on the right path and recall us immediately we start drifting away from it…

    May He accept our prayers and Duas in this Holy month of Ramadan…Amiin Ya Rabb!!

  4. Engie Salama says:

    Masha’allah beautifully written and incredibly sincere, and to boot extremely true :) Subhan’allah!

  5. LaMont D.Muhammad says:

    Alhamdulillah!!! This is confirmation for me. The words listed are sentiments I shared just the other day. Truly Allah is Ever-Present. Thank you very much for this!

  6. Yasmin says:

    Mashallah, this is written in a very beautiful and eloquent manner!

  7. Sara K. says:

    jazakallah khair :)

  8. Sister says:

    MASHALLAH!!!!!! SOOO TOUCHING AND BEAUTIFUL!!JAK!:)

  9. Reem says:

    JazakAllah khair. It was a beautiful article and a very important reminder.

  10. nahiyan says:

    we should justify our existence, and the truth shall set us free…. ameen

  11. someone says:

    mashallah that was heartfelt pun intended

  12. Koutaiba says:

    This is beautiful, jazaka’Allahu khairan. Exactly what I needed to keep me pushing against our internal struggle against sins

  13. juralisa says:

    Very inspiring, MashaAllah

  14. Huda says:

    la ilaha ila Allah :)

  15. I could connect with every single word of it! Subhana’Allah .. loved it!! :)

  16. Fahmidah says:

    Jazakumullahu Khairan! These articles were so ‘true to my heart’! I often feel exactly the same way – sinning against my own self and causing turmoil within my very being! Is there a way out? No doubt – penitance is the ONLY way back to our Creator. It fills me with a refreshing vigour to try and attain His pleasure again! I guess in life our spirituality constantly vicissitudes and with our repentance it stabilises, Alhamdulillah. May Allah continually guide us all on His Path and forgive us forevermore …ameen Ya Allah

  17. Salma says:

    Ameen. Mashallah, very beautiful.

  18. TG Edd says:

    there’s brilliancy in your words … may Allah guide us all towards in search of right path. Ameen.

  19. Nida says:

    Assalam Alaikum! Masha’Allah! Jazaki Allahu Khair! A Beautiful article indeed! May Allah keep Blessing u to pen down words beautifully in His Way! May Allah Shower His Blessings on u & ur family! & Guide us all on The Straight Path! Insha’Allah! Ameen!

  20. Brenda says:

    Mar’shallah! A lot of us need our heart burning with light. I remember someone said, to keep the fire alight in one’s Heart is with the Book in one hand and a sword in the other.

  21. Yahyaa ibn yahyaa says:

    Ah! A pure heart with good intenions to gain THE LOVE OF ALLAH! What soul could have more beauty than that?

  22. Zainab Khan says:

    Beautiful, sincere. Subhan Allah…

  23. Omar Asad says:

    Asalamalikum, here is a good article for the next step in the process, http://www.suhaibwebb.com/personaldvlpt/worship/fasting-ramadan/how-does-one-soften-their-heart/ inshaAllah we all can find it helpful

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.

More in Reflections, Spiritual Purification (214 of 334 articles)