Why do people have to leave each other?


Why Do People Have to Leave Each Other? Part I Part II

When I was 17 years old, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sitting inside a masjid and a little girl walked up to ask me a question. She asked me: “Why do people have to leave each other?” The question was a personal one, but it seemed clear to me why the question was chosen for me.

I was one to get attached.

Ever since I was a child, this temperament was clear. While other children in preschool could easily recover once their parents left, I could not. My tears, once set in motion, did not stop easily. As I grew up, I learned to become attached to everything around me. From the time I was in first grade, I needed a best friend. As I got older, any fall-out with a friend shattered me. I couldn’t let go of anything. People, places, events, photographs, moments—even outcomes became objects of strong attachment. If things didn’t work out the way I wanted or imagined they should, I was devastated. And disappointment for me wasn’t an ordinary emotion. It was catastrophic. Once let down, I never fully recovered. I could never forget, and the break never mended. Like a glass vase that you place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again.

But the problem wasn’t with the vase. Or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem was that I kept putting them on the edge of tables. Through my attachments, I was dependent on my relationships to fulfill my needs. I allowed those relationships to define my happiness or my sadness, my fulfillment or my emptiness, my security, and even my self-worth. And so, like the vase placed where it will inevitably fall, through those dependencies I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up to be broken. And that’s exactly what I found: one disappointment, one break after another.

But the people who broke me were not to blame any more than gravity can be blamed for breaking the vase. We can’t blame the laws of physics when a twig snaps because we leaned on it for support. The twig was never created to carry us.

Our weight was only meant to be carried by God. We are told in the Quran: “…whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And God hears and knows all things.” (Qur’an 2: 256)

There is a crucial lesson in this verse: that there is only one handhold that never breaks. There is only one place where we can lay our dependencies. There is only one relationship that should define our self-worth and only one source from which to seek our ultimate happiness, fulfillment, and security. That place is God.

But this world is all about seeking those things everywhere else. Some of us seek it in our careers, some seek it in wealth, some in status. Some, like me, seek it in our relationships. In her book, Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert describes her own quest for happiness. She describes moving in and out of relationships, and even traveling the globe in search of this fulfillment. She seeks that fulfillment—unsuccessfully—in her relationships, in meditation, even in food.

And that’s exactly where I spent much of my own life: seeking a way to fill my inner void. So it was no wonder that the little girl in my dream asked me this question. It was a question about loss, about disappointment. It was a question about being let down. A question about seeking something and coming back empty handed. It was about what happens when you try to dig in concrete with your bare hands: not only do you come back with nothing—you break your fingers in the process. And I learned this not by reading it, not by hearing it from a wise sage. I learned it by trying it again, and again, and again.

And so, the little girl’s question was essentially my own question…being asked to myself.

Ultimately, the question was about the nature of the dunya as a place of fleeting moments and temporary attachments. As a place where people are with you today, and leave or die tomorrow. But this reality hurts our very being because it goes against our nature. We, as humans, are made to seek, love, and strive for what is perfect and what is permanent. We are made to seek what’s eternal. We seek this because we were not made for this life. Our first and true home was Paradise: a land that is both perfect and eternal. So the yearning for that type of life is a part of our being. The problem is that we try to find that here. And so we create ageless creams and cosmetic surgery in a desperate attempt to hold on—in an attempt to mold this world into what it is not, and will never be.

And that’s why if we live in dunya with our hearts, it breaks us. That’s why this dunya hurts. It is because the definition of dunya, as something temporary and imperfect, goes against everything we are made to yearn for. Allah put a yearning in us that can only be fulfilled by what is eternal and perfect. By trying to find fulfillment in what is fleeting, we are running after a hologram…a mirage. We are digging into concrete with our bare hands. Seeking to turn what is by its very nature temporary into something eternal is like trying to extract from fire, water.  You just get burned. Only when we stop putting our hopes in dunya, only when we stop trying to make the dunya into what it is not—and was never meant to be (jannah)—will this life finally stop breaking our hearts.

We must also realize that nothing happens without a purpose. Nothing. Not even broken hearts. Not even pain. That broken heart and that pain are lessons and signs for us. They are warnings that something is wrong. They are warnings that we need to make a change. Just like the pain of being burned is what warns us to remove our hand from the fire, emotional pain warns us that we need to make an internal change. That we need to detach. Pain is a form of forced detachment. Like the loved one who hurts you again and again and again, the more dunya hurts us, the more we inevitably detach from it. The more we inevitably stop loving it.

And pain is a pointer to our attachments. That which makes us cry, that which causes us most pain is where our false attachments lie. And it is those things which we are attached to as we should only be attached to Allah which become barriers on our path to God. But the pain itself is what makes the false attachment evident. The pain creates a condition in our life that we seek to change, and if there is anything about our condition that we don’t like, there is a divine formula to change it. God says: “Verily never will God change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an, 13:11)

After years of falling into the same pattern of disappointments and heartbreak, I finally began to realize something profound. I had always thought that love of dunya meant being attached to material things. And I was not attached to material things. I was attached to people. I was attached to moments. I was attached to emotions. So I thought that the love of dunya just did not apply to me. What I didn’t realize was that people, moments, emotions are all a part of dunya. What I didn’t realize is that all the pain I had experienced in life was due to one thing, and one thing only: love of dunya.

As soon as I began to have that realization, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see what my problem was. I was expecting this life to be what it is not, and was never meant to be: perfect. And being the idealist that I am, I was struggling with every cell in my body to make it so. It had to be perfect. And I would not stop until it was. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this endeavor: making the dunya into jannah. This meant expecting people around me to be perfect. Expecting my relationships to be perfect. Expecting so much from those around me and from this life. Expectations. Expectations. Expectations. And if there is one recipe for unhappiness it is that: expectations. But herein lay my fatal mistake. My mistake was not in having expectations; as humans, we should never lose hope. The problem was in *where* I was placing those expectations and that hope. At the end of the day, my hope and expectations were not being placed in God. My hope and expectations were in people, relationships, means. Ultimately, my hope was in this dunya rather than Allah.

And so I came to realize a very deep Truth. An ayah began to cross my mind. It was an ayah I had heard before, but for the first time I realized that it was actually describing me:  “Those who rest not their hope on their meeting with Us, but are pleased and satisfied with the life of the present, and those who heed not Our Signs.” (Qur’an, 10:7)

By thinking that I can have everything here, my hope was not in my meeting with God. My hope was in dunya. But what does it mean to place your hope in dunya? How can this be avoided? It means when you have friends, don’t expect your friends to fill your emptiness. When you get married, don’t expect your spouse to fulfill your every need. When you’re an activist, don’t put your hope in the results. When you’re in trouble don’t depend on yourself. Don’t depend on people. Depend on God.

Seek the help of people—but realize that it is not the people (or even your own self) that can save you. Only Allah can do these things. The people are only tools, a means used by God. But they are not the source of help, aid, or salvation of any kind. Only God is. The people cannot even create the wing of a fly (22:73).  And so, even while you interact with people externally, turn your heart towards God. Face Him alone, as Prophet Ibrahim (as) said so beautifully: “For me, I have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him Who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall I give partners to Allah.” (Qur’an, 6:79)

But how does Prophet Ibrahim (as) describe his journey to that point? He studies the moon, the sun and the stars and realizes that they are not perfect. They set.

They let us down.

So Prophet Ibrahim (as) was thereby led to face Allah alone. Like him, we need to put our full hope, trust, and dependency on God. And God alone. And if we do that, we will learn what it means to finally find peace and stability of heart. Only then will the roller coaster that once defined our lives finally come to an end. That is because if our inner state is dependent on something that is by definition inconstant, that inner state will also be inconstant. If our inner state is dependent on something changing and temporary, that inner state will be in a constant state of instability, agitation, and unrest. This means that one moment we’re happy, but as soon as that which our happiness depended upon changes, our happiness also changes. And we become sad. We remain always swinging from one extreme to another and not realizing why.

We experience this emotional roller coaster because we can never find stability and lasting peace until our attachment and dependency is on what is stable and lasting. How can we hope to find constancy if what we hold on to is inconstant and perishing? In the statement of Abu Bakr is a deep illustration of this truth. After the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ died, the people went into shock and could not handle the news. But although no one loved the Prophet ﷺ like Abu Bakr, Abu Bakr understood well the only place where one’s dependency should lie. He said: “If you worshipped Muhammad, know that Muhammad is dead. But if you worshipped Allah, know that Allah never dies.”

To attain that state, don’t let your source of fulfillment be anything other than your relationship with God. Don’t let your definition of success, failure, or self-worth be anything other than your position with Him (Qur’an, 49:13). And if you do this, you become unbreakable, because your handhold is unbreakable. You become unconquerable, because your supporter can never be conquered. And you will never become empty, because your source of fulfillment is unending and never diminishes.

Looking back at the dream I had when I was 17, I wonder if that little girl was me. I wonder this because the answer I gave her was a lesson I would need to spend the next painful years of my life learning. My answer to her question of why people have to leave each other was: “because this life isn’t perfect; for if it was, what would the next be called?”

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349 Comments

  1. Barbara says:

    pplz or anything leaves us in this dunia for two reasons. One is that we become attached to it too much and other if we do not appreciate it at all.
    All suppose to be to use it to bring us closer to Allah by using it in the way He ask us.

  2. Paul says:

    What is disconcerting is not so much people drifting apart as their utter nonchalence or placading lies when you try to resume a connection with then, a connection that you never asked to be broken.

    We are not supposed to feel that we have grown out of other people. We are supposed to feel that we have grown out of ourselves. If this means complete self sufficiency and happiness in what we have, physically and spiritually, moment to moment , day to day, so be it. But few achieve that so their ready refusal to engage with others who love and support them in any meaningful way is catastrophic for nature itself. The most organised-seeming people in the world might be nothing more than game players where everyone else is a mere obstacle to be overcome – defeated or charmed in to submission. Quiet revolutions of the mind will happen to defeat these people who masquerade or genuinely beleive that they are ‘alpha’.
    When the alpha person needs someone, they will, to their horror find, that they actually have an obscene amount of support from people. But then they realise- the alpha person has been nothing but a mirage floating through life, entertaining, handling, but never being passionately meaningful in the slightest. If you do not support what others see to be a ‘weakest link’ then you support destruction of the chain of human life itself. The selfish support annihilation of anything that does not prop up their own merry-seeming existence. The selfish always mask themselves in humbleness, weakness , a self deprecating nature to evade detection. The British (where I am) have been practised at it for years. It is not the same as being good / spiritual / meaningful.

  3. Arka Mondal says:

    Sister Yasmin,Allah SWT loves you and He has granted you the Hikmat to understand things in their true sense.May He give you peace and blessings in this life and in the Hearafter.May Al-Hakim grant us all from His Wisdom. Aameen.

  4. Alina says:

    how could i close Allah ?
    i wanna dip my myself into Allah’s love but as like other teens of today i m also distract … could u help me to sort it out ?

  5. Nahdiyah says:

    How to get closer to Allah? Sweetheart, you can……. Thank him for the sunshine when you wake up……. Marvel at the artistic talents he put into your face….. Dress up for him every day- extra special on Friday….. Talk to him through the day. Express yourself and don’t be afraid to ask for even food if you are hungry… Watch the beauty of nature and thank HIM for giving you sight, and such a beautiful sight to see :) …… End your day with his name. Tell HIM that you love HIM – tell HIM that HE is your hero- ask him to keep you near him and never let you stray from HIM…. ( that’s for starters- and stops none of your other daily actions…. I can go on and on. I’m sure you can (and will) too! ;)

    • sanjida says:

      Thanks you very much Nahdiyah sister for your these advice … I dad also the same question how to get closer to Allah SWT… the simple way… the practicable way.

  6. Anisa Ali says:

    Alhamdulillah how i come across this amazing article exactly at the right time. Just what i needes to open my eyes today and forever ! Jzk for this . May Allah bless you! Allah hafiz

  7. Fatima Hasan says:

    SubhanAllah!! Allahu Akbar!!

    Jazakumullahu Khairan Katheeran Katheera for this beautiful article. Allahu Akbar!! Just what I needed at this moment of my life.!! Al-’ham-du-lil-LAH-i-Rabbi!!

    Allahu Akbar!!

  8. Hafsa Akram says:

    I read this article at a point in my life when I needed to hear it the most. Like the author, I end up depending on people and the relationships with them to define my happiness when I should only rely on Allah. But as humans, we are weak, and need to work on that. I believe everything happens for a reason so if sadness occurs from a relationship or someone that lets you down, it reminds you that Allah is the Only One that doesn’t let you down. He is The One who will always be there to listen, and not judge you, whatever time of day it is. When you depend and rely on Allah, you will never de disappointed and everything else just fits into place. May Allah help us all to build closer relationships with Him, Aameen.

  9. zul says:

    Alhamdulillah and thank you for the article. the objective in this life was to be tested, and the result would be displayed in the next life. what Yasmin had told in the article was spot on to me in this times of uncertainty, the one we could cling on to, depends and hope for is Allah. Any fancy stuffs this world has to offer would only provide a temporary relief, such that we only treat the symptoms but not the disease.
    Thank u again for this wonderful article.

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