While I think you're right– sisters and brothers of a common cause and spirit can be found, I don't think it's healthy to refer to anyone's fears as a cop-out. It's a genuine fear of perceived norms. There are brothers who are just as afraid of marriage getting “in the way” so instead of seeking a partner before they start a particular path, they wait until they are done. I think instead of saying, “Don't be afraid” to either sisters or brothers, we need to see what can be done to help develop trust within the community. Sometimes sisters live in a community where they don't see other married women able and encouraged to serve Islam. The wives of community leaders sometimes speak in a way that is disheartening to other sisters about their negative experiences at home. Sometimes active brothers see their fellow active brothers get married, and then disappear from the masjid and Islamic work. I heard one imam say, “Marriage takes more people out than the government!” In Fathi Yakkan's book, “The problems of the Dawa and the Daiyah” he mentions two milestones that occur the life of Islamic workers. If they pass them/handle them appropriately, they usually continue, and if they don't, they usually stop. He mentioned 1) Marriage and 2) Accumulation of wealth and children. I mentioned the book about ulema who avoided marriage through history. I actually think its a historic and well-grounded fear, not simply present in the 21st century activists who seek to cop-out. Again, as a happily married sister (Alhamdulilah), I can't believe that anyone WANTS to be alone. Good sisters (and brothers) I know want to be married, but they're just scared of their lives changing for the negative with regards to their services for Islam.

Also, sometimes people (women and men) can be very practicing individually but their attitudes toward family life debilitates their own happiness. I was really shocked to see religious people think and do some crazy things towards their spouses. When lots of otherwise good people fall into such mind-sets/actions it creates a culture of mistrust.

It doesn't help Islam, Muslims, the world at large for our young people to have mistrust and fear/avoid marriage. I agree with you that it's not the answer. However, I am less likely to blame people for their fears. I don't think it will help them. Rather, I want to find a way to open their hearts again, and give them the courage to try. How exactly, I am unsure of still. Sometimes I think indegenous Muslims who are happily married and in the service and practice of Islam, should be the ones giving the marriage workshops/advice.

The one who helps two righteous young people get married in Islam, receives a palace in Paradise. Br. Zubair– I have a list of great sisters, you have a list of great brothers– maybe we can both email them to a sister I know who is helping people to get married in America based on personal contacts only. She actually has a very long list of sisters, and is looking for a list good brothers to match them up with.

Alhamdulilah that our discussions might lead to some beneficial action insha Allah. Alhamdulilah, that Allah opened a way for that to happen!

Your comments are well-taken, no worries insha Allah. The frustration is perfectly understandable. And, I think your list of good brothers may be of greater community benefit than anything I have contributed to the discussion Jazak Allah Khair.

WS,
Muslema

I totally agree 100%, and I think it's high time we as the Muslim community get over our infantile teething stage and become serious people. We especially need to avoid self pity like the plague.

Jazak Allah again for your points, they having given me a lot of food for thought!

http://www.edhifoundation.com/

There are various Red Crescent societies people can choose to donate to as well.

I really appreciate your thoughtful insight on this article. I just wanted to comment on point number 4. I apologize but this is a theme that I've seen over and over on this website of blaming the brothers, asking “aina rijaal, aina rijaal, aina rijaal?”,.. you get the point. To be honest with you, I think it's more of a cop out if a sister doesn't want to get married “for the sake of Islamic work.” As you said, there are a lot of couples who are serving Allah (swt) together and marriage has enhanced their abilities to work for the sake of Allah. I know A LOT of brothers that are rock solid in their deen and are dedicating their lives in Islamic Work. So I really think it's unfair to pin the sisters fear of getting married on the “state of the brothers.”

I apologize if my comment sounded harsh and I hope and pray you can continue to benefit us with your knowledge and wisdom.

Wa Allahu 'Alam.

Sister Anam, I really enjoyed this post. Jzk for the intense reflection. I was encouraged to watch the film after seeing your reflection, and I wanted to add a few of my own to your eloquently expressed thoughts.

1- I started to think about the forced suffering, humiliation, and oppression of poor people. It made me think about Mecca and how children are mutilated and sent for begging around the Kaaba, and also the black market in America where especially the vulnerability of illegal immigrants are exploited. You read stories of people waking up only to realize organs have been removed from their bodies, while others are forced into prostitution. In all of these cases, those who are oppressed as a result of their poverty feel that there is no where to turn for protection. Their governments either turn a blind eye (as in India or Mecca) or they may risk greater loss in going to authorities by being deported to other countries where conditions are worse (like illegal immigrants in America). I started to think about different countries, Muslim and non-Muslim, and how the fact that such heinous crimes can continue to exist in the world today, is an insult to every one of us.

2- I began to think about the responses of non-Muslims to the problem of this type of suffering, and I can't help but feel, as a community we, the Muslims, are disgracefully behind. Alhamdulilah, we have relief agencies, but what I think is needed above and beyond that, are systematic campaigns and services to defend these violated human rights, whether they happen to Muslims or non-Muslims– we have a responsibility to really be as “vicegerents” to help maintain and protect humanity from such evil.

3- I thought about how our masajid in America are full of people who are busy with mostly dealing with personal problems. Many of these problems are symptomatic of people not knowing how to spend/use their time. They occur because as a community, we haven't learned to be ABOUT something. That is, to be raised with a training of self-sacrifice not simply to help a problem, but to commit to seeing that problem solved in your own life-time. Whether it happens is in the hands of Allah (swt), but that personal resolution and spirit is what has always helped change history. What made whites in the 60s and 70s help stand together and go to jail defending the rights of African Americans? What makes some rich people go to completely ignored and neglected populations that the world and media have forgotten about, only to live through difficult and dangerous circumstances, so they might help feed and provide medicine for those who suffer? What gives these people such heart? Should not the resolution and Zuhd of the Muslims be greater than that? Do our communities suffer from meaningless/shallow things because we have chosen NOT to struggle for greater things? When the Rasool (saw) was asked about Abu Bakr's great position and favor, he (saw) responded that it is not that Abu Bakr in more in prayer and fasting than the other, but because of something that had settled in heart. History can only change by people who have heart, and know how to use it. “Allah (swt) does not change a people until they change what is in themselves.” Great “Islah” needs even greater heart.

4- It reminded me of a comment from my article on Mariam. One brother commented that some sisters want to become Sheikhas or save the world so they avoid marriage. I think IF sisters feel that way, it's actually a commentary on the state of our brothers. The fact that a sister would feel that she has to choose between pleasing Allah in a very serious way and marriage, means she has lost hope in finding a partner who has similar goals and who would help her to accomplish them. There's a book that talks about ulema who preferred knowledge over marriage. I don't think any human wants to live alone, but some people have such a great passion to serve Islam, the norms of their time make them fear the consequences of marriage on their devotion and ability to serve. And this happens to both women and men. It might be ambitious, but I think a way to address it, is having enough good examples in our community where people feel the norm is that marriage enhances one's ability to serve Allah (swt), for both brothers and sisters. I have met children of parents who for example, provided aid to people in refugee camps, or the husband and wife both studied together and are contributing to global legal discussions that effect the spiritual, intellectual and even economic well-being of the masses, and have been amazed. Subhan Allah, the children of these people are on another level, may Allah continue to bless their families! When the Muslim personals reflect singles seeking partners to accomplish specialized goals for Allah (swt), instead of skins colors, racial backgrounds, and preferred academic abbreviations next to the potential's name, we will have even more hope than we have now insha Allah. As Allah(swt) says in the Quran, “Give victory to Me, and I will give you victory.”

5- These slums exist in part, because our masjid going Muslims, let alone the ones that don't go, have neglected the Akhirah, and Allah's pleasure as the ultimate goal of our existence. I guess these are the spiritual and intellectual slums you were discussing. The physical slums are a result of the metaphorical ones, subhan Allah. We think about life much like others' think about the American dream– the acquisition of personal stability and happiness through material things. From education to marriage to work and children, life is seen only as a way to satisfy personal comforts. Serving others is an exception to the rule, and even then, it is only when it conveniently fits into one's schedule and planned vacations. The Rasool (saw) foretold the times where Muslims will be persecuted, and the reason would be love of this world. What has to be realized by our masses is that the whole world suffers when Muslims are absent in fulfilling our collective duties. Even the rich and comfortable suffer subhan Allah. I wonder how much depression, weight gain, and family problems would decrease if people chose to live for Allah (swt) alone. Yes there are difficult tests in this type of life, but as Imam Al-Banna mentioned once, “The people of struggle are much happier in their struggle, than the people of play are with their play.” The overly comfortable tend to seek happiness in the wrong things, and then wonder why they feel empty and sad. Anyone who was meant for a noble mission can only feel humiliation and hollowness, if they turn it down for a lowly one.

I apologize for the long comment. I never intended for it to be so long…subhan Allah, your reflections on the movie really struck me, and got me going….

May Allah help us listen to speech and follow the best of it. If anything in this comment is wrong, it is from me, and I ask His forgiveness.

Sr. Anam always drops it mashallah!