There are usually 3 types of acts/behaviors/values of all humans.
1. Values that are completely unacceptable to you – for example, breaking relation with parents/sublings etc, or leaving Islam or whatever that is “completely unacceptable”
2. Values that you don’t have a strong stance on and in some of these cases the person is willing to compromise
3. Values that you are open about and you can be swayed one way or other, you don’t really care

Before marraige – both parties should first figure out what things are “completely unacceptable to them”, it can be anything. These are personality traits that do not change. Even if someone suppresses they come back at some point and lead to eventual breakup. If these are presented upfront then both parties can make an informed decision of the compatibility, values and whether they can tolerate each other.

Lastly, sisters, Allah has made women more flexible then men in terms of adjustments. I am not saying in every aspect, I believe Allah has given them “flexibility” in nature to nurture good relationships specially within the family. Use it to mend fences in the family. Family is NOT just husband and wife, husband family is critical piece of it because even after marraige taking care of “husband family” is obligatory on the husband whereas women is NOT required to. Help him fullfill is obligations and your life will be happy and there will be lot of peace at home. I know of one “Muslimah” who converted to Islam just by seeing her neighbour family and how the “daughter-in-law” treated her mother-in-law as if her own mother. She said, after seeing the first thing that came to her mind was, I wanted to be treated like that when I get old!

I am sorry if I sound harsh but some one has to call spade a spade.

1) No single couple in my extended family are happy (my aunts, uncles). My dad has passed away, but my mom does not really speak much of him/her dissatisfaction.
2) There is always so much gossip about how someone beats up his wife, or someone’s husband does not let her visit her parents, and how someone has a 2nd wife in another country.
3) Wife does not have much control over financial decisions.
4) The wife works so hard to raise children, but most important decisions are made by the father
5) I have more than 9 uncles, but after my dad passed away, not a single uncle of mine ever approached helping my mom or us (me and my two sisters). So, women are usually alone after the husband passes away.
6) My uncle is obssessed with religion, and his son went crazy and told other kids at school that he was gonna kill everyone there.

So, basically, I think the reason divorce rate is high in the United States is that here people have more choices. If you hate your spouse, you have a choice, you get divorced. Back home, you could not. If you wanted to divorce, especially if you are a woman, you know that you cannot go back to your parents’ house, they will send you back to your husband. You don’t have the financial independence to do so. You are scared to live alone in a male-dominated town . So why leave your husband? When my grandma tells my aunt why she is with her husband if he is so bad with her, my aunt replies “it is better to be with such husband than being like my two sisters”, sisters she is referring to are my mom and my other aunt (both widowed – from war). So, why a woman should divorce her husband? In U.S., women have more choices. I am sure it is the same situation for men. Back home, if you left your wife, everyone hates you, here, things are easier. Also, in western society, marriage is portrayed as something more romantic, so muslim people might be in search of something romantic also. So, search for someone romantic, and end up with someone who expects you to obey, rather than be a friend, and life partner, this is when you want to go to divorce, hoping that you might have a better chance in finding a better spouse later.

Sorry, I said too much. These are my observations.

I pray that this finds you all in the best health and best iman, may ALLAH strenghthen our iman.

Referring to our sister in Islam ‘Takumi Nakashima’ A successful marrige go beyond religion? I.e. beyond ISLAM!!

With all due respect dear sister, i believe you’re wrong in this aspect. There is no way a marriage can be successful if islam is not present in that marriage, if ALLAH (swt) is not present in that marriage, if the Sunnah of our beloved and dear Prophet Mohammed ibn AbdiALLAH is not present.

If you happen see success in some muslim communities (may ALLAH grant them more), or if you see success (note:success can be defined in many ways) in some muslim brothers and sisters (may ALLAH grant them more), or if you see success in some muslim marriages (may ALLAH grant them more), know and be certain, be very certain deep inside your hart, that ALLAH alone gives Tawfiq, (success).

Our beloved Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him) said :

‘Man a7ya sunnati faqad a7abbani, wa man a7abbani kana ma3aya fi ljannah’

He/she who practices My sunnah and impliments it (sunnah) in their lives, Loves Me, and he/she who Loves Me will be with Me in Jannah. ‘Tirmidi, Bukhari’

Hence how can a marrige or anything that we do in this dunya be successfull if we don’t fully believe that indeed Tawfiq only comes from our LORD, ALLAH (swt), and with implimentation of our deen, comes success, in ways we could never imagine.

Dear sister, no marriage is ideal,no life is ideal, but then lets struggle together, and strive together in order to reach our goal. And indeed our goal is to be worthy to see our beautiful Lord ALLAH (swt), and to meet our beloved Prophet (may peace and blessings be upon him), and to drink from the fountains of Jannah.

May ALLAH give us understanding to practice of that we obtain in knowledge, may He forgive us all our sins, may He guide us, may He bless us, may He increase the love that we have for Him in our harts, may He cleanse our harts from any evil, any dirt, anything from iblis, and to put iman in it, to put taqwa in it and to put tawfiq in it.

Dear sister, please forgive me if i have said anything wrong, please forgive me if i have said anything to offend you. We are sisters in Islam, hence we should be there for eachother.

Wa’ALLAHu lmosta’an.

I’m not sure whether divorce is really a bad thing. Sure, it’s disliked, but it’s permissible.

So, is it really a problem? Many young muslims are not brought up according to the ideal Islam anyway, why do we expect their marriage to be ideal?

There are various extremes here.

One, the idealists who look for the solehah and dream about tarbiya, halaqah, usrah, amal jamaiyy, and envision that the spouse will be with him/her all the way. These people need to wake up and smell the coffee. Successful marriages don’t come from the shuyookh or books. It comes from you and your spouse and how badly you want your marriage to work. These people also have to live in the present and apply what they “read”.

Secondly those young muslims who don’t even care about how they live. But to appease their parents who are immigrants and grounded with culture, they have to go through the whole shebang. They don’t care about how islamic their household is going to be and don’t have any idea how to bring up their children. They were born in this country but inherit the ignorance of their forefathers who secularized Islam.

Thirdly, those young muslims who see marriage as a way out to fulfill their natural desires. They don’t have a clue what marriage is all about. All they know that it is a sunnah. But, they beat their wives, treat them as second class citizens, and sadly this idea is being passed on to their children.

Bottom line, there is not cookie cutter way to solve divorce or issues within the young muslim marriages. Hey, if you have the audacity to tie the knot, it’s your responsibility to make sure everything is worked out. There’ll be arguments, but deal with it especially when your marriage now involves a child. The question is really, again, “How badly do you want your marriage to work??”. This involves soul searching, reflections and a quick visit to why did you even get married in the first place.

Or, we can include the fiqh of marriage in Islamic schools for high schoolers so that they have a general idea what marriage is all about. In this case, all muslim kids need to be in islamic schools, which they aren’t.

Successful marriages go beyond religion. Obviously being muslim doesn’t guarantee a long lasting marriage. If it deed, then we won’t be discussing it here, would we?

Assalaamu Alaikum Shk. Webb:

Yes, Almaghrib has a two weekend course “Fiqh of Love”…I know when we had the concised 1 weekend-version of this course come to Bay area (called “Love Notes”), many brothers/sisters who were married and those who were aiming to get married benefitted from the class…we should probably see if the full 2 weekend course can be organized here as well….it is a good start in the right direction, insha’Allah….

This is for everyone (who may benefir from this, insha’Allah):
As far as why young people are getting Divorced in US….there are no silver bullets…but hey I have been divorced and re-married again so here are my $.02:

1- Start your marriage on the correct foot – minimum time & “interactions” in “getting to know” the other person. Dont keep dating and/or chatting till you think you “know” the person before committing….Yes Marriage is actually a leap of faith in expecting and hoping the best from your spouse as s/he expects the same from you…do not strive to understand the other person psychic before committing…so take that leap of faith, based on what is reasonable and comforting.

2- This is for Brothers: After marriage, Be the Man of the household….Remember, your wife did not enter in this relationship to be the “MAN” of the house….but it happens, and I dont blame the sisters for this, because when the husband is not up to par (or ready to step up to plate in all sense), sisters in our western culture are more knowledgable and resourceful and more demanding perhaps, which actually leads to disrespect towards the Husband and ultimately it could lead to issues that cannot be ovwercome.
So what should a Husband be towards his wife: He should be magnanimous, supportive, loving (in all sense), and respectful….but be the MAN as Allah has made you to be, and she will respect you love you and cherish you, insha’Allah.

3- This is for Sisters: If you want to have a stable family with a nice loving husband who is supportive and respectful of you, then do the following:
a- Be the wife in the family….he is not looking for another man to “compete” within his home.
b- Dont act as if you have a “chip on your shoulder”…meaning that you have to prove your worth that you are either smarter, more knowledgable than him.
c- You are the most important person (the nucleus) of the family…everthing will fall apart if you quit….that means you have the upper hand and God given ability to hold a marriage together….so make sure you start your journey with someone who you are willing to put your all in for the long term for your chidren’s sake.

I really dont appreciate long comments…and this is getting to be one.

Assalaamu Alaikum

True
1: Divorce rate is high
2: Not all but when you look at the married ones you barely see them smiling at each other.
3: singles are struggling to figure out what exactly they should look for “In trying to find the right person… (Scary!)

However, when you look around and listen carefully. You hear all kinds of stories.

Conclusion:
Is there a perfect human being? Shouldn’t we keep up or accept some of these things?

So how do we try to resolve the problems? What can one keep up with or accept or avoid??

Personally I attended “I few events/conference” the last couple of weeks and “wallahi I gained so much, plus I attended with few other friends some singles and married ones also and they loved it.

Therefore, I agree, “A course could be given over a two-weekend period that covers the fiqh and social aspects of marriage”.

Asalam aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu.

Note: I somehow noticed, “The ones who follow the deen more, seem happier than the others and so based on that I think we need to learn what Islam teaches about marriage and implement them inshallah.

May Allah bless you and make it easy for us to find such knowleagde.

First of all the divorce rate is high because we live in a society that is designed to make it so young couples fail, or couples in general. It is so expensive that both people in the marriage must work so that then the children have to be put in a pre-school program which allows the children from a young age to be indoctrinated by these outside influences. Also people find divorce so easy and expendable, they do not take the deen serious. If they followed the deen they wouldnt have these problems but they are influenced by the society which makes it so easy. In the land of soap operas, people look at relationships as a come and go thing. I agree with making people take the classes, but it is much more than that. People need to follow the examples set for us and we will be fine. Have patience for their spouse. Also in this society it is a danger to make someone marry a stranger, people need to get to know each other. Married couples need to show attention to each other and gave each other their marital rights inshallah.

I think the question deserves some kind of study (as you suggested about the problems of the youth) although it should be done in a respectful, anonymous way. I do not think there is one answer to the high rate of divorce. On a side note, I would not consider many marriages of my parents’ generation to be successful marriages (no love, no communication, depression, sometimes violence). If those couples had grown up in the American culture v. Desi culture, they probably would have gotten divorced or at least felt divorce was more of an option. Maybe these youth experiencing high rates of divorce do have high expectations, but maybe they have never even seen a successful and practical marriage and so have never learned how to deal with marital problems.

Counseling should be available definitely pre-marriage and throughout.