Ayeshter,
I completely agree with you that it is “unhelpful to assign concepts of ‘love’ and ‘respect’ to a respective gender.”:) These are human needs. Some individuals require one more than the other, but such is on an individual and not gender basis. I will actually take your statement just a tad bit farther and state that I believe it is very dangerous for this Ummah to assign primary needs in a marriage based on gender. Yes, Allah made both genders different, but they are also both human. Believe it or not, there are quite a few men that seek love more than respect and quite a few women that wish for respect more than love. Indeed, with love comes respect because love helps one forgive. Respect does not. Every human being should be respected as God’s creation, but when it comes to something as intimate and important for this life and the next as marriage, respect is something that must be earned by both parties.

Inquirer,
You also bring up a critical point that marriage is “about discussion and compromise.” While Yasmin mentions that in a healthy marriage, “the more respect a woman shows her husband, the more love and kindness he will show her. And in fact, the more disrespect she shows, the more harsh and unloving he becomes,” it is also imperative to realize that if she continuously shows him respect and he continuously reacts in a harsh and unloving manner every time, then she is not at fault and must realize that the relationship she is in may very well be neither just nor healthy for her in this life or the next. Allahu a3lam.

Clarifications:
A husband is not a platoon leader that should expect every order to be followed to the T and a wife is not a slave to their husband that follows orders blindly. “…[R]especting one’s husband means respecting his wishes,” not his commands. These are very different terms. A husband is not the Prophet (peace be upon him), however much he may attempt to emulate him. A husband’s order should not be followed blindly—he is not God—for the sake of showing him respect and maintaining the marriage. If it is to our understanding, no matter if we are a man or woman, that something is wrong and if we have the ability to make it right then it is our responsibility as a human being and Slave of Allah to stand up for what is most just; even if that means standing up against our husband or our wife or the president of a country for that matter. A husband and wife (or any human being for that matter) should never order the other to do something. They can only make a request and should do so in a way that is caring and loving no matter which reproductive organs Allah has blessed them with. Allah orders us to free people from bondage, not enslave them. If a woman or man shouts a command at their spouse, the other should not obey. If they do, they are silently telling the shouter that it is ok to shout at me. Allah’s creation deserves more respect than that. The shouter must recognize first that they were wrong and only then should the other even speculate about following through with what should have been a request. Once the shouter has recognized their error, the other can forgive and then respect them for taking a step back and realizing that they needed to make tawba.

Forgiveness, love, respect, these are all wonderful characteristics that should be acted upon but to a point. Our religion is one of the middle path and moderation. We can forgive someone completely but choose to not respect them if they are continuously careless in their dealings with us despite our efforts.

As Yasmin began, so shall I end. I agree with her. Allah puts it best:
“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Qur’an, 30:21)
Kew Words: tranquility, love, mercy, between you.
Love and mercy should be practiced by both husband and wife–equally. In due time, if one gives and receives love and mercy, respect begins to form and both will naturally experience a tranquil state iA ☺ It appears then, that the missing link is love for the sake of Allah SWT.

I love this deen Alhamdulillah ☺ May Allah guide us to the path that is right iA and may the One forgive me for the errors in my writing and anything that may be incorrect. Thank you Yasmin, jazak Allah khair, for this article and your continuous efforts towards this Ummah. May Allah reward you as much as He is Great. And Allah knows best. Peace be upon the Prophet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JhF9UtzaF3c

I just read your article. I know you mean well and mean to give good advice, but when I read this article..I just see it as a rehash of essenialist views of gender. I know most of you well probably disagree, but it unhelpful to assign concepts of “love” and “respect” to a respective gender. Both men and woman want to be respected and loved. There is either or in this situation. What constitutes expressions of “respect” and “love” vary according to the culture and the individual. Couldn’t a husband “respecting” his wife’s advice and wishes (life Muhammad PBUH did with his wife Umm Salaama?), couldn’t a wife’s respect for her husband entail knowing what emotional boundaries not to cross? Each couple is different, each couple has different needs. Any respect/love dynamic depends on life style in addition to personal preferace. Why should a wife have to “respect” hubby’s wishes if she if they are both working professionals and have equal education? Or even as a homemaker, provides indispensable services for the home? Isn’t the greatest sing of love a husband can show his wife is listening to her thoughts and creating a home environment where she feels respected?

The Qur’an says a married couple are garments for each other. Garments and people come in different shapes and sizes.

I’m sorry if I misunderstood your post, but to me, it sounds like you calling on wives to obey and husbands to act in a paternalistic fashion. If that is your point, I must very respectfully disagree.

Around this issue — What do you think are healthy guidelines in terms of adjustment / flexibility / growth versus seeing red flags?”

I’d request for the columnist to please respond to the sister’s above-mentioned comments for the benefit of all.

I also believe (as other commentators do) that a woman’s views should be respected, just as her husband expects respect for his views; an open-hearted discussion of each parties’ understanding of what “respect” constitutes would thus be critical to pre-marital/marital counseling.