Question:

I was engaged to be married, but one day my fiancé changed like the weather, and chose to marry another woman. I have been broken, humiliated, and abandoned.  Now, every time I try to move forward with other relationships, I face another failure. I have been deserted by those I love the most, betrayed, and I remain unmarried, childless and constantly disappointed.  I am patient, I pray and make du`a’ (supplications), and fulfill my duties toward Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He). But I really feel very lonely at times, and there’s a pain in my heart. I wish I could wake up one day with a smile and joy, and not with a compressed heart and wounded soul. How can I alleviate this pain I am going through?

Answer:

You have experienced a break-up which has deeply hurt and embarrassed you.  You are missing the emotional connection you had with your fiancé and are now feeling sad and lonely without him in your life.  A failed relationship, despite its difficulty, is a learning experience and an opportunity for personal growth.  It sounds like you are trying to meet other people for marriage and are eagerly seeking to be married and to have children.  This process has entailed many disappointments for you, and possibly feelings of insecurity and fear have arisen that you will remain unmarried and without children for a long time.

To overcome feelings of loneliness you can begin by learning to be okay by yourself.  Be comfortable with yourself and engage in self-reflection about who you are as a person and with other people.  This self-awareness will help improve your relationships with other people.  Once you are comfortable with yourself, you will be able to interact with others with less of a “hungry need” and with more of an ability to give of yourself.  You will show a deeper interest in others and project a self confidence that people around you will be responsive to.  You will then be poised to meet people and make the most of every social contact you make.  To further alleviate feelings of loneliness, you can join groups and organizations where you can relate with others who have similar interests.  For instance, join a class and learn something new or volunteer for a cause that you believe in. Through these types of experiences, you will meet other likeminded individuals and find social support that will help to alleviate feelings of loneliness.

Companionship is a natural desire that all human beings crave. Feelings of loneliness naturally wax and wane through a person’s lifetime due to experiences and incidents that happen in life, such as losing friendships, moving away from loved ones, etc.  Some people feel loneliness for extended periods of time, and this can lead to depression.  When people feel depressed, they see life through “dark lenses” and lose hope for the future. If you are overcome with feelings of loneliness and unhappiness, it may be beneficial to seek a therapist to talk to about your feelings and find needed support.  Without the help of a professional, feelings of depression can be very difficult to overcome because of negative thinking patterns and feelings of helplessness. You are still grieving that your fiancé broke off your engagement and feeling that your future is bleak.  Active patience as well as a positive attitude about what Allah (swt) has planned for you will help you move forward. You now have the opportunity to meet new people and to become invested in activities you are passionate about.   You also have time to engage in self-reflection and prayer to accept that Allah (swt) has planned a different course for you and trust in His Divine Wisdom and Plan.

Notes from Bukhari: Part I | Part II

How many times have you heard someone say practising Islam or being a ‘religious’ Muslim is difficult? Reflect on the following: Imam al-Bukhari in his Sahih relates the following hadith (prophetic narration) in the chapter of On The Deen Being Ease.

It is related from Abu Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ (peace be upon him), said, “The deen [religion] is ease. Whoever makes the deen too hard for himself will be overpowered, so direct yourselves to what is right, follow a middle course, accept the good news of the reward for right action, and seek help [to reach your goal by being constant in worshipping] in the morning, evening and some of the night.” (Hadith no. 39)

Explanation

“Whoever makes the deen too hard for himself will be overpowered [...]”

Ibn Hajar says that it means that whoever overburdens himself by excess in performing religious deeds without being gentle (on himself) will be incapacitated (to continue), cut off and therefore overpowered.

Ibn Hajar cites Ibn Munir as saying: “[...] This hadith contains knowledge from the emblems of Prophethood. Indeed we have seen and people before us have seen that everyone who goes to extremes in the deen is cut off [from continuity]. The intended meaning in the hadith is not to stop a person trying to perfect their acts of worship, for that is something praiseworthy, rather it is warning against the type of excess that leads to boredom, or against excess in supererogatory acts that leads to forsaking that which is more recommended, or that which leads to the performance of an obligation outside of its designated time. The example of the aforementioned is if someone prayed the whole night fighting off sleep until sleep overtook him in the last part of the night whereby he slept past the Fajr prayer in jama`ah [congregation] or past the best time for Fajr prayer or past sunrise after the designated time for Fajr prayer.”

Imam Ahmed narrates a hadith: “You will not attain this (deen) by excessiveness and the best of your deen is ease.”

“[…] so direct yourselves to what is right, follow a middle course, […]”

Ibn Hajar says fasaddidu (which is translated here as direct yourselves to what is right) means sticking to al-sadad meaning that which is correct without excess or deficiency. The lexicographers say al-sadad means balance/moderation (tawasut) in actions.

Ibn Rajab says balance (al-tawasut) in religious deeds is to not fall short of whatever one has been commanded to do and to not burden oneself with that which is beyond one’s capacity.

Ibn Rajab also says about the word qaribu (translated here as follow a middle course) that it carries the same or similar meaning to al-sadad. Ibn Hajar says it means if you cannot achieve the ideal then do your best to attain that which is as close to the ideal.

“[…] accept the good news of the reward for right action [...]”

Ibn Hajar says it means to accept glad tidings of the reward for continuous action even if it is small. Meaning the glad tidings is for someone who cannot perform deeds to the ideal and that he will not lose any reward if it was not due to his intentional shortcomings. The object of the glad tidings is the reward, however the actual word itself (reward) is omitted in the hadith to induce a sense of veneration and magnificence towards the reward.

Ibn Rajab says it means to convey glad tidings to the one who traverses the path of obedience to Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) through moderation, consistency and balance for he is the one who reaches the destination. Indeed the path of moderation and balance is more virtuous than other paths, so the one who travels this path is given glad tidings. For indeed moderation in adhering to the path of sunnah (prophetic tradition) is better than exerting great effort in other paths. The best guidance is the guidance of Muhammad ﷺ so whoever follows his path is closer to Allah (swt) than anyone else.

Ibn Rajab continues to explain that virtue is not due to the abundance of deeds that one performs; rather it is due to it being sincerely for Allah (swt), it being correct in accordance to the sunnah, and by the abundance of knowledge and actions of the heart. So the one who is more knowledgeable about Allah (swt), His deen, His laws and His shari`ah (religious law), and more fearful of Him, more loving of Him, and has more hope in Him is more virtuous than the one who is not in this state even if the latter performs more physical deeds than the former. That is why some of the predecessors used to say that Abu Bakr radi allahu `anhu (may God be please with him) did not excel others by much fasting or salah (prayer) but rather it was due to something deeply embedded in his heart. Some of them said the thing that was in his heart by which he excelled others was deep love for Allah (swt) and His messenger ﷺ and sincere counsel for Allah (swt)’s slaves.

A few gems:

The Alternation of Days

Know that time does not remain at a stand-still, for Allah subahnahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) says:

وَتِلْكَ الْأَيَّامُ نُدَاوِلُهَا بَيْنَ النَّاسِ

“[...] And these days [of varying conditions] We alternate among the people [...]” (Qur’an 3:140)

One time it is poverty, and another time it is wealth. Once it is honor, and another it is humiliation. So the happy one is the one who remains well-grounded in each situation, and he is the one who has taqwa (consciousness) of Allah (swt). For if he is wealthy, it beautifies him and if he becomes poor, the doors of patience open up for him. And if he is healthy, he recognizes the blessings upon him. If he is tested, he bears it all. The alternation of days does not hurt him—no matter if he is elevated, or if he is starving.

This is because all of these situations change and do not remain constant, but taqwa (God-consciousness) is the foundation of peace. It is the guard that does not sleep, taking you by the hand when you slip. And the disgraced one is the one who is deceived by the sweetness of his present situation without having any taqwa. Soon enough that situation will change and he will be a loser.

So, hold tight to taqwa in every situation. You will only see vastness in every confinement and well-being in every sickness. This is the wealth of the present, and what the future holds is known.

—Sayd al-Khatir

Supplication of the One in Hardship

When a calamity befalls the believer, he begins making du`a’ (supplication) constantly, but he may not see any sign of response for some time. When he is close to despair, Allah (swt) looks into his heart to see if he is pleased and content with the Decree, and not hopeless or discouraged. If this is his situation, then the response comes quickly. This contentment and pleasure in Allah (swt)’s Decree is what reforms and fixes the iman (faith) as well as destroys Shaytan (the devil). That moment when the believer is close to despair is when the real men are determined.

This is seen in the statement of Allah (swt):

حَتَّىٰ يَقُولَ الرَّسُولُ وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا مَعَهُ مَتَىٰ نَصْرُ اللَّهِ

“[...] until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,’When is the help of Allah?’ [...]” (Qur’an 2:214)

And this is what occurred with Jacob (Ya’qub, peace be upon him)—after he lost two children, he did not despair, rather he said:

عَسَى اللَّهُ أَن يَأْتِيَنِي بِهِمْ جميعا

“[...] Perhaps Allah (swt) will bring them to me all together [...]” (Qur’an 12:83)

And likewise with Zakariah (peace be upon him)—he did not despair even with old age from having children:

وَلَمْ أَكُن بِدُعَائِكَ رَبِّ شَقِيًّا

“[...] And never have I been in my supplication to You, my Lord, unhappy.” (Qur’an 19:4)

So, be aware of why the response is delayed! Understand that He is The Master, and that He is The Most Wise in planning, and Most Knowing of what will lead to the reformation of His slaves. Know that He wants to put you through trials to test what you hide in your heart, and that He wants to see your humility, and that He wants to reward you for your patience. Know that He wants to test you with a delay in response so that you can fight the whispers of Shaytan.

Indeed every one of these things strengthens the recognition of His Favors and leads to being thankful to Him. Thus when the trial begins, the supplications are lengthened, and the one in hardship shows his need and takes refuge in Allah (swt)—he will be content with everything.

—Sayd al-Khatir

Keep Guard

Satan tricks people in whatever way he can, and his power over them increases and decreases according to their alertness or negligence, their ignorance or knowledge. Note that the heart is like a fortress, and the devils are always going around the fortress watching for the guards to become heedless. The guard should know all the gates of the fortress which he has been appointed to guard, and he should not let his attention slip for a moment, for the enemy never lets his attention slip.

—Talbees Iblees (Dr. Bilal Philip’s translation)

A Wake-Up Call

O you who persists in mistakes and wrong doings; O you who has turned away from what the most Loving and Compassionate commands; O you who obeys the falsifier of the path and the creator of calamities—How long are you going to insist on your misbehavior? How long are you going to keep yourself distant from your Lord? How long will you seek from this world what you cannot have, and keep away from the other world by that which you cannot possess? Neither are you sure of what Allah (swt) prepared of sustenance for you, nor are you satisfied with that which He has commanded for you. O my brother, by Allah (swt), admonition does not seem to benefit you. Afflictions do not seem to threaten you. Time does not leave you, and the call of death does not reach your ears. As if, you poor man, would live forever and you weren’t meant to expire and be forgotten!

—Bahr ad-Dumoo’ (Translated by Shazia Ahmad)

Who is the real poor person?

One should implement what he knows for it is the greatest foundation. And the poor person, the truly poor, is the one who wasted his life learning that which he does not practice. So, he loses the pleasures of this worldly life and the goodness of the hereafter, coming forth bankrupt (on the Day of Judgment) with strong evidences against himself.

—Sayd al-Khatir

Baby Steps to Becoming a Master Parent

By Wadud Hassan 

[An experienced educational management professional, Br. Wadud lives in Dallas, Texas with his wife and twin daughters. He can be reached at whassan[at]furqaan.org]

A father cannot give a better gift to his son than a good education. (Tirmidhi)

After being married for 10 years and then a hospital stay of close to 138 days, we were blessed with two beautiful baby girls. That was one year after we clung to the Kaaba and prayed for pious offspring. Little did we know the challenges of raising “Pious Offspring”!

My wife and I have both been involved in the field of education working as a teacher, counselor, and administrator in several local and international private and public schools and colleges.

Becoming a parent was an amazing experience, and after waiting for 10 years and being in the profession of educating children, we thought we were ready!  It is only after becoming parents that we connected with the reality that you are never fully ready until you become one!

Good parenting is like being a Good Muslim – both require continuous struggles to stay focused on our goals (that is, if we take the time to even set them in the first place), being conscious of the consequences of our choices, an ongoing and honest evaluation of ourselves, and the best efforts to improve our condition.

God does not change the condition of people until they change what is in themselves. (Qur’an 13:11)

The struggle is real but God is the best facilitator and He, out of His infinite mercy, has made His deen (religion) easy – ad-deenu yusrun (Bukhari) – and many times I find that it is our lack of knowledge, or a structured routine to bring that knowledge to practice that prevents us from moving forward. Therefore, I am here to share my personal reflection of 4 simple steps that I plan to take in raising ideal children by the enabling grace of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala (Glorified is He). And the key to success, I feel, is in starting each of the following 4 practices in a small but consistent, meaningful and qualitative way – making the foundation of these deeds strong and grow from there. The actions most beloved to Allah are those that are small but done consistently (Bukhari).

1. Start with Yourself

Become a student of knowledge—A learned man has more power over Satan than a devout worshipper. (Tirmidhi)

• Meet with a Scholar (someone that motivates and inspires you to remember and get closer to God) regularly. Scholars are the inheritors of the Prophets – so create a strong bond of friendship with one that prevents you and your family from stagnation. Ask his or her advice regularly. Take your child(ren) to these gatherings/meetings regularly.
• Read books and scholarly research on Parenting in Islam, and stay in touch with the modern scientific research on parenting and child psychology (e.g. Parenting with Love and Logic - www.loveandlogic.com) always examining them with the lens of Islamic ethos.
• But above all, where else can we find guidance other than the beautiful examples of our beloved Nabi (Prophet) Muhammad ﷺ (peace be upon him)? He was sent as a mercy to the whole mankind (Qur’an 21:107), sent to perfect human character (muatta) in every role including that of the father and indeed Allah (swt) has kept the best examples in his conduct (Qur’an 33:21).

Be a role model—The example of the person who teaches people good and neglects himself is like a lamp, which is a source of illumination for people and burns itself. (Tabarani)

• Action speaks louder than words—and this is where we seem to fall short in today’s intellectual era where a vast amount of knowledge is easily available but only a small fraction of conforming ideals and character traits are seen in people. Rather than telling our children not to be on the iPod or watch too much TV – we can show them through our actions and read a book together!
• Model the best character. Always advise with kindness. Teach patience by practicing patience and perseverance. Delay gratification and focus on teaching them routines. Stay silent and never discipline when angry. Verily anger destroys faith as aloe spoils honey (Baihaqi). Behave with your spouse, parents, relatives and friends kindly and courteously as our elders and scholars have recorded many incidents of people not respectful to their parents or spouse and they reaped the ill consequences of their actions by similar and unpleasant treatments from their children later in life.
• Be a friend. Always make sincere effort to understand your children’s perspectives and do not force yours. Show love and empathize. Be easily approachable. Shall I not inform you about the person who is forbidden from the Fire and for whom the Fire is forbidden? Anyone who is close to people, soft and lenient (Ibid).

2. Ensure an Ideal Learning Environment

Create a balance between work and home—Our child’s education is equally or more important than work (depends on where we work) and hence, the need for our commitment to spend quality time with the family. Invest time in establishing an ideal learning environment at home.

Establish a timetable—Time management is the biggest challenge for us parents. We can involve our family in planning a daily schedule that everyone agrees on. Be it for 10 minutes, establish a study circle to talk, read or discuss about the essentials of deen and especially the life and sayings of the Prophet ﷺ.

Pay attention to the family’s spiritual and physical health—Create and follow a healthy diet plan, commit to physical activities with your family at least three times a week, build a daily connection with the masjid (mosque) and minimize waste of time (i.e. monitor TV, Electronic Games and Internet Access) while also having healthy choices for relaxing and rejuvenating the body and the mind.

3. Train Your Child in the Best Character and Etiquette

Keep God in mind wherever you are; follow a wrong with a right that offsets it; and treat people courteously (Tirmidhi). We find three great qualities from this hadith (prophetic narration) that we can inculcate in our children:

1. God Consciousness – Our children need to be trained to be conscious of their actions and learn the consequences of good and bad choices.
2. Accountability – You make the mess, you clean the mess. From a young age, always give them choices and do not be afraid to let them make a mistake, as that will provide an opportunity to impart a valuable lesson on responsibility, which they will hopefully always remember.
3. Courtesy – This character trait should be part of an early training we provide our children. They should always be kind and courteous to their parents, teachers, peers, siblings and to all of God’s creation. Courtesy is rooted in mercy for others and this is a required characteristic of a true Muslim – courtesy must be extended to the teacher, to knowledge, and to the environment of learning.

Dedicate weekly family discussion or reading sessions on other special character traits such as respect, kindness, trustworthiness, and best effort. Enforce positive behavior—a simple acknowledgement can also go a long way.

4. Take Refuge in Du`a’

Who was able to do any of these steps better than the beloved and chosen messengers of God (may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon them)? But they knew full well that the results of their efforts and the true guidance were in the hands of Allah (swt), who has power over all things.

We, therefore, must learn to pray to Allah (swt) regularly for our children, learn the du`a’s (supplication) from the Book of Allah and the examples of Allah’s Messenger ﷺ and recite them from the heart to attract the mercy, guidance and acceptance of Allah (swt) as he is the true Murabbi (Nurturer) and can make up for our shortcomings in guiding and shaping our most valuable trust—our children. Indeed whomever Allah guides is truly guided, and whomever He misguides no one can guide him. Here are a few beautiful du`a’s from the Qur’an parents can recite regularly:

Rabbana waj`al muslimayni laka wa min dhurryatina ummatam muslimatal lak wa arina manasikana watub `alayna innaka antat tawwabur raheem.

Our Lord! And make us submissive towards you and from our offspring a nation obedient to You – and show us the ways of our worship, and incline towards us with Your mercy; indeed You only are the Most Acceptor of Repentance, the Most Merciful. (Qur’an 2:128)

Rabbi habli milla dunka dhurryatan tayyiba innaka samiud du`a’

[Zachariah prayed] My Lord, grant me from pure offsprings. Verily, You hear prayers. (Qur’an 3:38)

Rabbahuma la-en ataytana salihan lana kunanna minash shakireen

O Allah! Surely if you give us a well-formed child, we shall be forever thankful. (Qur’an 7:189)

Rabbi j`alni muqimus salati wa min dhurryyati rabbana wataqabbal du`a’

O my Lord! Maintain me as one who establishes prayer, and some of my descendants; O our Lord! and accept my prayer. (Qur’an 14:40)

Rabbi la tadharni fardaw wa anta khayrul warithin

[ Zakaria prayed] O my Lord – do not leave me without offspring, and You are the Best Inheritor. (Qur’an 21:89)

Rabbana hablana min azwajina wa dhurryatina qurrata a’yuniw waj`alna lil muttaqina imama

Our Lord, soothe our eyes with our wives and our children, and make us leaders of the pious. (Qur’an 25:74)

A Short Story

By Ishrat Ali

A long time ago, there lived the wife of a mujahid (someone who fights or struggles in the way of God) named Aasiyah. She became a widow after giving birth to three sons. In the absence of her husband, she took good care of her children. She was a very compassionate mother. Her sons, Ahmed, Asim, and Aziz always gave their mother lots of respect and treated her with honor. They would visit the masjid near their house everyday. They were not very rich but they were content with everything they had.

All of the sons of Aasiyah were very skilled. Ahmed was known for his skills in archery; Asim was great at wrestling; and Aziz could fight with three swords at once. Since childhood, their mother and father always made sure they had a strong bond of brotherhood. All three brothers were treated equally. Not one of them was given food until all three were present. If one was done with homework, he couldn’t go play until the other two were done as well. This was the rule of their home—”No one is treated better than the other and no one should get left behind.” Due to this rule, all three brothers helped one another in everything. They loved their mother and father very much. They wanted to be just like their father, Mus’ab. Mus’ab loved to go fight for the sake of Allah subhana wa ta`ala (exalted is He). He always believed in truth and justice. He spent many years fighting against oppression and passed away trying to protect the people in his small village.

Ahmed, Asim and Aziz called themselves the “Soldiers of Allah.” They would do everything to protect others no matter how old they were. Ahmed, the eldest, was 12. Aziz was 10 years old, and Asim was 9. Each of them mastered great skills at a very tender age because they wanted to end the oppression in their town. They never showed others their grief for losing their father. However they felt it in their hearts and did their best to stay strong.

One day, unexpected news reached the three brothers. They were told that the village would be under attack the next day. Upon hearing this news, Aasiyah began making lots of du`a’ (supplication) asking Allah subhana wa ta`ala for help. Ahmed, Aziz and Asim had a plan. They knew that their village was surrounded by mountains. They decided to climb the mountains and gathered as many men who knew archery to join them. Next, Aziz gathered others to hide behind the bushes, so when the enemy came they could attack by surprise. Asim, on the other hand, sent messages to his friends all over the village to help them out. All the men gathered in rows ready to make jihad (struggle in the way of Allah). Each person was told to create an uproar by saying that the village was under the protection of many other villages. If this village was attacked, all the other villages would attack the outsiders and destroy them.

When the enemy came, Ahmed’s archery covered them in arrows. Many ran away for their lives. The remaining army was attacked by the men with Asim and Aziz. They and all the villagers fought bravely. The soldiers of Allah (swt) had Allah with them and alhamdulillah  (praise be to God) they won the battle. They thanked Allah subhana wa ta`ala and asked Him for forgiveness.

Narrated Abu Huraira radi allahu `anhu (may God have mercy on him): “I heard Allah’s Messenger ﷺ (peace be upon him) saying, “The example of a mujahid in Allah’s Cause—and Allah knows better who really strives in His Cause—is like a person who observes saum (the fast) and offers salat (prayers) continuously, Allah guarantees that He will admit the mujahid in His Cause into Paradise if he is killed, otherwise He will return him to his home safely with rewards and war booty.” [4:46-O.B] Sahih Al Bukhari

وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ يَعْلَمُ مَا فِي أَنفُسِكُمْ فَاحْذَرُوهُ ۚ وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ غَفُورٌ حَلِيمٌ

“And know that Allah knows what is in your minds, so fear Him. And know that Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Forbearing.” (Qur’an 2:235)

And He (swt) says,

وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ مَا فِي قُلُوبِكُمْ ۚ وَكَانَ اللَّهُ عَلِيمًا حَلِيمًا

“Allah knows what is in your hearts. And Allah is Ever All Knowing, Most Forbearing.” (Qur’an 33:51)

Why does Allah (swt) mention His Name Al-Haleem (Most Forbearing) here? When someone is haleem, it means they reciprocate harm that is done to them with generosity whereas a saabir (patient person) accepts the sorrows and hardships without showing it. Hilm is another dimension of sabr.

The use of Allah (swt)’s Majestic Name Al-Haleem gives us hope. People harbor so many negative, evil and ugly thoughts. We feel ashamed when we hear these ayaat (verses)—that Allah (swt) is aware of these ugly and evil thoughts. Allah (swt), while knowing these horrible thoughts, while having access to what is hidden in us, is Haleem with us… He is so Generous with us even though we have so much evil in our hearts. Despite what He knows of us inside, He is Haleem.

From His Divine Wisdom, He (swt) did not give humans access to each other’s internal thoughts and realities. If people knew what their loved ones thought about them, they would not forgive! This is why there is Divine Wisdom in the prohibition of spying on one another—we are not endued with enough mercy, forbearance, and love to handle what we do not know.

We must remember that Allah (swt) sees inside of us, so we must look inside of ourselves. When we are faced with a conflict, even if the other person is wrong, we must ask ourselves “What have I harbored internally that added to this conflict?” If we become angry, we should ask ourselves, “What do I have inside of me that triggered that reaction?” We only keep theories of Divine and Prophetic teachings. We must work to harbor them.

-Shaykh Mokhtar Maghraoui

The historic Masjid al-Azhar (Azhar Mosque) in Cairo offers a number of classes and lectures to the public in the rooms that surround its famous courtyard.  Along with the usual human attendees, it is also common to see cats seeking to enter through the mosque’s open doors and make their way inside.  In this video of a lecture on hadith (prophetic narrations) by Sh. Usama Elsayed, a cat enters and makes himself comfortable in his class, prompting him to pause from the actual class material and share some anecdotes and lessons on showing kindness to cats and other animals.

Please note that this is not a literal or full translation, though it is intended to faithfully convey the ideas that were expressed.  Words in brackets have been added for clarity.  The translated portion begins at 1:40.

—

Al-Imam Shams ibn Tulun al-Hanafi, in his book al-Fulk al-Mashhun fi Ahwal al-Shams ibn Tulun, designated a special chapter for prophetic narrations related to cats, and called it Izhaar as-Sirr fi ma Warada fil-Hirr (‘Explanation of the Secrets Found in What has been Narrated About Cats’).

If a cat came close to the Prophet ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him), he would lower his vessel to it so that it could drink, and he would say, “They are [creatures] that [live and] move about amongst you.”

Here at al-Azhar ash-Sharif, the great imam, shaykh of Islam and scholar of the Malikis Abu al-Barakat Ahmad ad-Dardir was once teaching when a cat wandered between the rows of his students.  One of the students pushed it away roughly.  Imam Dardir was deeply affected and saddened by this, and got up from his chair to bring the cat next to him.  He took out some morsels from his own food and set it in front of the cat for it to eat, and held it in his lap.  From the next day on, whenever he entered the mosque to teach he would give the cat something to eat from his own food.  More cats started to come, to the extent that after some time whenever Imam Dardir entered Masjid al-Azhar more than two hundred cats would surround him and stay at his feet.  May God have mercy on him.

Yet [we find] people saying (Muslims) are terrorists.   We say that we seek to be kind to animals.  The people of Islam—when the teachings of this great faith became deeply imbued in their hearts—did not fall short in giving animals their rights, nor in giving human beings their due rights.  On the contrary, their minds were occupied with concern about the rights of each and every creature.  Because every single thing in this universe glorifies God; and therefore every single thing has certain rights and a certain sanctity, and it is upon us to build connections with them and deal with them in affection and kindness.  To the extent that the Prophet ﷺ (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “The mountain of Uhud – it loves us and we love it.” And he said, “When the profligate servant of God dies, relief is given to the worshippers, the land, the trees and the animals.” Because the worshippers, the land, the trees, and the animals all suffer at the hands of the dissolute sinner.  Proof of this is in the words of God, “And the heavens and the earth wept not for them, nor were they given a respite,” (Qur’an 44:29). This implies that when people of goodness and righteousness pass away, the heavens and the earth weep [and mourn their loss].

In the past we used to have masaqiy (places with water designated for drinking) for dogs and other animals.  In some of the major squares of Cairo one would find places with fresh water for passersby to drink.  At a taller height was fresh, clean water for people to drink, and the excess water would flow down below [to a container] for large animals to drink (like horses etc).  Below that would be a [container] for smaller animals like dogs [to drink from], and lower than that, almost at level with the ground, was water for cats.

A person used to be specifically designated to clean the drinking places of dogs, and was given a salary for that from the treasury or by endowment.  There were assigned workers who would go around and clean such drinking places from whatever fell into it of leaves, dirt, etc.   Here, at Masjid Muhammad al-Bik Abu al-Dahab which faces al-Azhar, there is an endowment specifically designated for food to be placed in containers at the top of the minaret for birds to eat from.  Because they have a right to food.

(…) [My teacher] Mufti Dr. Ali Jumu`ah taught us, when he was explaining the prophetic tradition about a woman who enters hellfire [for mistreating and starving] her cat, that the people of knowledge understand this text outside of its specifics.  Imam al-Qarafi defines specifics as time, place, circumstance, and individual.

This text is not limited to women specifically.  It mentions a woman who was punished, but does that necessarily imply that if a man harms an animal he will not be punished? Absolutely not.  It would be the same whether [the action was committed by] man or woman, young or old.  Anyone who mistreats a creature from the creatures of God will be punished.  What is implied [by the text] is a teaching more generally applied to both men and women, to the extent that the word “human being” can be understood in place of “woman.”

Similarly, is such a punishment limited only to one who mistreats a cat, such that if someone mistreats a dog they would not be punished?  No, they would in fact be punished whether they mistreat a cat or a dog or any other animal or creature of God.

[In the same vein,] is this ruling limited only to the one who mistreats animals? No, it would in fact extend to everything else in existence.  Anyone who harms anything in existence is an aggressor against God’s creation.

The implications of this text help the believer understand—beyond this particular woman being punished for abusing a cat—that no human being should ever harm any other creature.  No human being should harm any other creature.

If we went out and explained these teachings, and translated them for other civilizations, cultures, communities and peoples, [to people of varying] tongues and languages, we would be given the honor of being considered forerunners [in civilization].  This is because we not only call [beyond human rights] for the rights of animals, but we call for the rights of every object and thing in existence.  A Muslim understands that every thing around him in creation has a due right upon him, and he or she is responsible before God to honor everything that exists—inanimate and animate, humans, plants, and animals.

There is neither power nor strength save by God – but [unfortunately in these matters] “most of the people do not know” (Quran 7:187).

Some attributes of Allah subhanahu wa ta`ala (exalted is He) are mentioned only a few times in the Qur’an, while others are mentioned in numerous places, especially focusing on the ways they manifest. Concepts are repeated so that when we forget, we do not forget for too long. One of these Names that we seem to forget is al-Mujeeb: the One who Responds; and Allah (swt) shows us throughout the Qur’an the manifestation of this Name with those who ask Him.

We live in a world of means. And the Qur’an tells us to utilize our means, as those means were made available to us by Allah (swt). But we sometimes forget that du`a’, calling on Allah (swt) sincerely, is one of those means. Sometimes it is the only means, and at other times it is one of many means that is required to reach an end goal. We do not simply download a job application without filling it in and then expect to get the job. So just like certain steps are required to achieve an end goal, du`a’ is also one of those steps.

Al-Mujeeb is the Answerer of prayers.  According to al-Ghazali, this means that it is He who responds to the requests of those who ask by assisting them, to the call of those who call upon Him by answering them, and responds to the plight of the poor with all they need.

When you ask Allah (swt), it means you know Him. Knowing He responds means knowing that He is All-Seeing (As-Baseer), All-Knowing (Al-`Aleem), All-Hearing (Al-Samee`), that He is the Most-Affectionate (al-Wadud), that He gives us even if we don’t deserve it (al-Wahhab), that He is not in need of anyone or anything but we are in need of Him (al-Ghaniyy). If we don’t ask, then we truly do not know Him, and we are missing out on an amazing act of worship.

There are two reasons why we do not ask: we do not believe that Allah (swt) can or will answer us, or we believe we can do it without His help.

The second reason is a form of arrogance. Allah (swt) says what can be translated as, “And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’ Indeed, those who disdain My worship will enter Hell [rendered] contemptible,”(Qur’an, 40:60). Allah (swt) likens those who do not call on Him as disdaining His worship.

But here we will be expounding on the first reason. Allah (swt) tells us He is al-Mujeeb, so we should have utter confidence that He will respond to our du`a’. Look at what the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him) says:

“Verily your Lord is Generous and Shy. If His servant raises his hands to Him (in supplication) He becomes shy to return them empty.” (Ahmad, Abu Dawud, Tirmidhi)

Allah (swt) loves for you to go to Him. Sometimes Allah (swt) will not give you something unless and until you ask, even though He can give it to you whenever He wills. And it is so you know your Lord, so you experience that certainty in His attribute. The Prophet ﷺ tells us to ask Allah (swt) with certainty that He will respond (Tirmidhi).

In order to build our certainty in al-Mujeeb, He tells us stories of how He manifests this Name in the Qur’an.

“And [mention] Job, when he called to his Lord, ‘Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful.’ So We responded to him and removed what afflicted him of adversity. And We gave him [back] his family and the like thereof with them as mercy from Us and a reminder for the worshippers [of Allah ].” (Qur’an, 21:83-84)

The Prophet Ayub (Job) `alayhi sallatu wa sallam (may God send His peace and blessings on him) was afflicted with a disease for 18 years, and never once did he complain. Before the disease, he was blessed with abundant wealth for 50 years and was always grateful to Allah (swt). He never once blamed Allah (swt) when he lost everything, and if we look at his du`a’, he called on Allah (swt) by His Majestic Names, and recognized that truly it is only Allah (swt) who could help him. And when Allah (swt) responded to him, He did not just remove the affliction, but gave him more. We should always think the best of Allah (swt) and recognize that even as He is the One who responds, He is also the Most-Generous. And the most hopeful part? That Allah (swt) says: it is “a mercy from Us, and a reminder to the worshippers”—a reminder that when we are afflicted, we need to turn back to Allah (swt). Allah (swt) makes after hardship ease and can cure our afflictions when we turn to Him, but we should also be patient as Ayoub (as) was patient, and certain as Ayoub (as) was certain that he had a Merciful God even as he was being tried. So whenever harm afflicts you, remember this du`a’!

Allah (swt) then tells us about Yunus (as) (Jonah):

“And [mention] the man of the fish, when he went off in anger and thought that We would not decree [anything] upon him. And he called out within the darknesses, “There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.” So We responded to him and saved him from the distress. And thus do We save the believers.” (Qur’an, 21:87-88)

The Prophet Yunus (as) was sent to a people who initially disbelieved. He did not wait for the sign from Allah (swt) telling him what to do next and left them in anger because of their disbelief. So Allah (swt) made a huge whale swallow him, and he remained there in the fish’s belly, saying the du`a’ above:

“There is no deity except You; exalted are You. Indeed, I have been of the wrongdoers.”

What is so special about this du`a’? That Prophet Yunus (as) recognized his wrongdoing, and that with Allah (swt) lay all power. He remained saying this du`a’ until Allah (swt) responded. Sometimes, when we do something wrong, we feel too ashamed to turn to Allah (swt) and ask for His help. But this was not the way of the Prophets. Knowing you can turn to Him despite your wrongs signifies your firm belief in His Name. Allah (swt) has said in another surah (chapter):

“If not that a favor from his Lord overtook him, he would have been thrown onto the naked shore while he was censured.” (Qur’an, 68:49)

Allah (swt) responded to him and delivered him from his distress, and when he returned to his people they had all believed because they witnessed the signs that occurred. Allah (swt), in His infinite Mercy, reminds us at the end: “And thus do We save the believers.” When you are distressed and under great difficulty, before asking for something, say this du`a’ and recognize your wrongs to Allah (swt), He will insh’Allah (God willing) forgive you and respond.

Then Allah (swt) proceeds to tell us about the Prophet Zechariah:

“And [mention] Zechariah, when he called to his Lord, ‘My Lord, do not leave me alone [with no heir], while you are the Best of Inheritors.’ So We responded to him, and We gave to him John, and amended for him his wife. Indeed, they used to hasten to good deeds and supplicate Us in hope and fear, and they were to Us humbly submissive.” (Qur’an, 21:89-90)

Zechariah’s wife could not have children, but as we see here, Zechariah (as) implored only Allah (swt), and called him by His attribute (the Best of Inheritors). Thereafter, Allah (swt) made Zechariah’s (as) wife fertile again. Then Allah (swt) tells us of the good they used to do, that “they used to hasten to good deeds and supplicate Us in hope and fear, and they were to Us humbly submissive.” They would constantly do good deeds, always be calling on Allah (swt) with fear and hope, and they were not arrogant, but humble. These are of the qualities that we should adorn ourselves with and learn from, and they will insh’Allah make us closer to Allah (swt) and hopefully of those whom Allah (swt) responds to.

Allah (swt) gives us these 3 examples: the example of one who had everything and was afflicted with loss; the example of one who had wronged himself; and the example of one who desired something that he didn’t have. All of them called to Allah (swt), and Allah (swt) responded not because they were prophets, but because they turned to Him. In every verse Allah (swt) reminds us that this is the way Allah (swt) will treat the believers.

So what happens when we feel that there is no answer?

Some may say that it is hard to have true certainty in this Name when we sometimes feel that there has not been an answer to our du`a’s. But there is always an answer. One thing that may block your du`a’ from being responded to is earning money from illegitimate means. The reason is when someone earns money from illegitimate means, it ceases to be a private matter, but it is something that harms others (e.g. interest). We cannot be taking advantage of others for a living and then expect that Allah (swt) will give us what we ask for.

Another thing is that sometimes we are hasty. We leave du`a’ because we assume that because Allah (swt) has not responded yet, He will not. The Prophet ﷺ says, “The du`a’ of any worshipper will continue to be responded to, as long as he does not ask for a sin or breaking the ties of kinship, and as long as he is not hasty.”
It was asked, ‘O Messenger of Allah, and what does it mean to be hasty? He responded, ‘A worshipper says, ‘I have prayed and prayed, and I don’t see that it will be accepted,’ so he gives up hope of being answered and leaves du‘a‘.’ (Muslim)

This is an important point. We do not put a time-limit on when Allah (swt) can respond. While He is al-Mujeeb, He is also al-Hakeem (the wise). Perhaps you hate a thing and Allah (swt) puts good in it, and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad. One might ask, so what is the point of asking if I don’t get what I ask for, or when I ask for it? You will get more than what you ask for, because Allah (swt) will give you what you need and what is best. Allah (swt) gave Ayub (as) more.  Allah (swt) gave the mother of Mary (as) something different than what she wanted, but Allah (swt) gave her what was best for her. Remember to entrust your affairs to the One who takes care of your affairs with all of His attributes, and gives you what you need. Ibn Hajar stated, “Every single person that makes du`a’ will be responded to, but the actual responses are different. Sometimes the exact matter that was prayed for is given, and sometimes, something equivalent to it is given.”

Imam al-Ghazali gives some advice on how be with Allah al-Mujeeb. He states that we first should be responsive to Allah (swt) in His commandments. We all sin and make mistakes, but the point is to strive to do the best we can. Secondly, it is important to respond to the servants of God, by assisting people if we are able, and by being kind if we are not able.

Finally, Aisha radi allahu `anha (may God have mercy on her) relates from the Prophet ﷺ that 3 things happen with our du`a’s: They are either responded to, deferred, or they prevent something bad from happening. Don’t ever stop asking—Allah (swt) will either send upon you His rain of Mercy or save the rainbow for you in Jannah (Paradise). A du`a’ is never ever lost. You are accumulating wealth in ways you could never imagine. So remember to ask based on who Allah (swt) is, and not based on who you are.

By Maryam Sakeenah

I travel across two worlds in my 20-minute commute between both my workplaces: a modern religious school, and a private grammar school where scions of Pakistan’s moneyed elite are privileged with quality education in tune with modern needs. The mindsets I deal with and the attitudes I encounter make for interesting comparison. At the religious school, the concepts of the sacred and the profane as defined by absolute religious morality are the framework for all thought-patterns and behaviour. Fidelity to the sacred is the highest value promoted and readily accepted—at least ostensibly—in an environment designed to actively encourage it. At the grammar school, the central value is free thinking and critical inquiry rigorously promoted by the administration. The curriculum is built around and disseminates post-Enlightenment Western perspectives and metanarratives, with the fundamental premise that of relative morality and of individual liberty as the highest value to be protected and safeguarded. Students are taught to invariably seek answers and explanations through logic, and question where the logical basis for an assumption seems unsatisfactory. While the tendency is generally positive, its universal and indiscriminate application may in fact be reminiscent of the cold, rock-hard post-Enlightenment Rationalism that Post-Modernist thought struggles to throw overboard for some of the infamous disasters attributed to it.

It strikes me each time in my Religious Studies class I raise a point from within the Islamic tradition that requires acceptance through faithful submission. While the classes are delightfully interactive and invigorating with questions, debates and discussions, the same may also afford a glimpse into a stark, gaping abyss lurking at the heart of this kind of education that carries the baggage of post-Enlightenment thought.

I happened to mention in the course of a class discussion, the fact that wearing gold for men is strongly discouraged in the mainstream Islamic tradition, and was showered with skeptical comments on the rationale of the ruling that bordered on impertinence. ‘But guys look so cool with all those accessories, and what about those gorgeous wedding rings? What’s so wrong with this? I mean I don’t see the point,’ said a particularly spirited young lady. I am also very often asked to suggest quick and easy ways to help students get regular with the daily prayers. And I always find myself unable to provide short and easy solutions, because the will to express adoration, submission and reverence to God in the daily prayer is engendered by a deep humbling sentiment from within—‘God-consciousness’ (taqwa)—it is not attainable through the Logos alone.

The Western logocentric worldview ruthlessly drilled into these minds—it privileges objective, empirical knowledge and rationalist thought over the intuitive ‘mythos’; it does not help create the sentiment that can make the daily prayer an act of loving labour. Judged and perceived by the logocentric yardstick, worship rituals ‘lose the magic’ and are reduced to an arduous, necessary undertaking that doesn’t quite help in the business of life. Moreover, the prioritization of individual liberty as the core value makes the demands placed by religious belief on personal behaviour and conduct confining and restricting. The ascendancy of Logos over Mythos interprets existential questions as objectively knowable, reducible to ‘facts’ and explainable by ‘empirical evidence.’ Religion with its core principle of a Transcendent Unknowable Absolute Truth intuitively experienced through the exercise of the mythos therefore is unappealing to the highly intellectualized mindset produced in modern urban schools. This also explains the rising incidence of Atheism in Pakistan’s institutions for the ‘privileged elite’—high schools, colleges, universities. Encouraging a culture of questioning, critical thinking and non-conformism to convention, this kind of a ‘privileged’ education makes Atheism an exciting alternative that many like to consider with some seriousness and express with an audacity that becomes admirable in that educational context.

William Eggington writes in ‘How Religions Became Fundamentalist’:

“One of the functions of religions was to teach people that the transcendent nature of ultimate reality was such that no human could ever, in principle, come to know the ultimate truth. What is crucial to grasp is that this core principle simultaneously sustains the existence of mythos and logos as two separate but equal domains of knowledge; for if the ultimate, all-encompassing questions are by nature infinite, if human knowledge in principle cannot grasp everything, then practical, objectifying logos is simply not relevant to such discussions, and the holistic, metaphoric standards of mythos have their place. Likewise, to the extent that modernity has allowed mythos to be pushed aside by the practical successes of the scientific method, the axial principle of the transcendence of ultimate knowledge has been weakened. But it is this principle that more than any other works to defend humanity from the dangers of its own certainty.”

By ignoring and excluding the ‘mythos’ and ignoring the need for religious narrative and myth, our educationists have made young minds incapable of developing an appreciation for aspects of religion inaccessible through pure Logos. Iqbal had said, ‘Reason is the lamp that shows the road, but does not mark the destination’—for the destination lies beyond the abyss that is intractable to reason, and requires the ‘leap of faith’ above and beyond that abyss. Pascal famously said, ‘Above the logic in the head is the feeling in the heart; and the heart has reasons of its own that the head cannot understand [...]’

On the other side, there is a conspicuous absence of religious discourse in our part of the world that can respond to or even grapple with this heightened propensity for questioning and demanding rational explanations. The rising numbers of young atheists across Pakistan’s higher education colleges and universities therefore is no surprise.

And then there is that other world. At Pakistan’s traditional religious schools (madrassahs), the Dars e Nizami, a religious studies curriculum that dates from Deobandi seminaries in 18^th century India, is taught. Although it is inaccurate to say that this curriculum is stuck in the medieval past that it originated in, the fact remains that new course content deals largely with the refutation of the concepts of other religious schools of thought and sects. There are many madrassahs that also include in the course a heavily lopsided critique and refutation of Western ideas. This threatens to develop exclusivist tendencies as well as what Sociologists would call a ‘world-rejecting’ orientation that pits the religious graduate against a monolithic and ‘other-ized’ world full of false, evil and deviant ideas. According to Dr. Tariq Rahman,

“Thus, while on the surface the madrassa curriculum is medieval and unchanging, in reality it changes to refute whatever seems to threaten it. This threat might be from alien religions or philosophies but the fact is that the madrassas do counter it. The madrassas, then, are not static institutions. They are not buried in the past; they are active and dynamic institutions which have seen themselves as being besieged since British days and which are still fighting against the external world.” (The Education of ‘Maulvis’: the Dars e Nizami debate)

The other half of my day is spent at a religious school that struggles in its attempt to protect values sanctified by religion in the midst of what it sees as an amoral morass in the wider society. However, lacking a comprehensive curriculum for a modern Islamic school competing with the urban private school and yet promising something unique in terms of faith, educators at the school face an uphill task. Without the necessary educational basis consisting of traditional aqeedah (the Islamic creed/belief/doctrine/theology) and tazkiyah (ethics, spirituality) that can help students internalize the values the school aims to impart, these well-intentioned educators’ attempts to mould Muslim personalities in what is seen as an increasingly valueless society become reduced to a superficial imposition. This external emphasis without the internal grounding triggers off among students a variety of responses. Taking for example the issue of the Islamic dress code, the responses range from zealous espousal of it by a small minority, to reaction against the perceived imposition by asserting rejectionist behaviour on the contrary. There are many more that docilely accept the dress code, not understanding or appreciating its symbolism and significance, hence taking it as a matter of course. At best, many of these schools mushrooming now in urban centres present an alternative environment for students to study much the same that they do in the regular schools, with desperate attempts to include religious jargon, uphold religious form and ritual. The advantages of the ‘Islamic environment’ promised by these schools are debateable, given its insular nature in a diverse, jostling external environment that the students of such schools eventually have to find space in the midst of.

However, all said, these kind of modern Islamic schools cannot and should not be so easily dismissed. This kind of school is a response by sincere, educated, religiously-inclined novices to the world-rejecting outlook of traditional madrassahs, the obscurantist tendencies of religious clergy and the exclusivist teaching of fiqh (juristic) schools of thought adhered to by respective madrassah administrations. The modern Islamic school is an attempt to bridge gaps, and hence tries to fulfill an important need. However, these schools are in a nascent state, often employ amateurish methods and need to evolve towards maturation.

The madrassah-educated Deobandi muqallid (exclusive follower of a school of thought) whose speech is laced with religious jargon and references to religious authority, and the English-speaking Social Sciences/Humanities student quoting Dawkins and Hitchens represent two ‘worlds’ rubbing shoulders in this society. These two cultures created by two widely differentiated education systems are all set upon a head-on collision course. It is frightening because these ‘cultures’ overlap the stratification of the society along the lines of social class. This means that the university graduate possesses the cultural capital that eventually makes him monopolize resources, sit at the helm of affairs and control policy, even when his value-system is at the fringes of an otherwise deeply conventional religious society. He is poised for control over the generation of ideas and opinion-making, and constructs inroads into the media and the academia. On the other hand is the culturally deprived religious seminary graduate whose fewer career prospects and constant fear of poverty complicates his situation as he perceives himself as disempowered and reduced to a social underclass. The resentment this breeds means that he may not always react to this predicament in ways that may be measured and moderated. It means the existence—far from peaceful—of two clashing cultures and ideologies pitted against each other in one society. Often the clash is intellectually played out as the discourse and rhetoric emanating from both sides hardens against each other and becomes increasingly intolerant and damning towards the other side—be it from the religious or the secular-liberal fanatic.

I crave middleness in a society pulled taut at the seams. The poise of ‘middleness’ can be reached through the understanding that concepts considered ‘secular’ and ‘Western’ and hence diametrically opposed to Islam may not actually be so. Reason and rational thought, democratic values, pluralism and humanism may in fact be as characteristic of Islamic tradition as they are understood to be of modern ‘Western’ secular society, though both traditions have unique ways of understanding them. In the broadest terms, the two may not necessarily be mutually exclusive. Most of these values are shared and universal. However, given our cultural-religious context, these must be interpreted and understood as distinctly envisaged by the Islamic tradition. This is where the need and role of the ‘ulema (Islamic scholars) comes in.

Nor is it wise in the least to think—as the secular-liberals tend to—that solutions to contemporary problems have to be found beyond religion, or that ‘progress’ has to ape the ‘Western’ paradigm and jettison religion like the Enlightenment West did—lock, stock and barrel. This narrow and superficial approach is a recipe for disaster that will understandably provoke backlash from the religious sections of the society. The panacea seems to lie in a rediscovery and reassertion of the values of Islam that address contemporary issues—values that may not necessarily be averse to and against what many in the West may also have discovered and advocated: the values of social justice and human rights, tolerance and peaceful coexistence, rationalism and egalitarianism. Religious scholars must engage in the colossal task of reinstating this rather eclipsed Islamic discourse and narrative, evidence for which is voluminous in the Qur’an and the sunnah (life and example of the Prophet ﷺ (peace be upon him). This must be presented in the language and method that can reach out to and address the modern mind. Central and most vital to a solution is the understanding that answers have to be sought (and are amply present) within the religious tradition of this society, and not outside of it. Trying to seek them outside of it is a self-defeating, mislaid endeavour.

Question:

I am engaged, but it has not brought any of the anticipated excitement, anxiousness, nor eagerness. I have had growing pessimism, doubts, and concerns because my parents have asked for my cousin’s hand in marriage. I did oblige initially, but the more I think about my future with her, I begin to have more doubts. I worry that because I have been born and raised in Canada and my cousin was born and raised in Pakistan, the cultural differences, and more specifically, the language difference—my Urdu is very poor—will be a major hurdle. I have no doubt that my cousin would be a good wife; however, I personally believe that I would be more compatible with a sister that has grown up in Canada or the United States.

My sister happened to have a marriage fall apart with her ex-husband who lived in Pakistan. But the problem for me is my father was really impressed by my cousin, and with the divorce of my sister and his overcoming of a stroke, I feel now as if I have no choice but to say yes to my parents’ wishes. I feel very guilty sometimes. Am I being too selfish in wanting to marry someone of my liking? Do I tell my parents my wishes and risk hurting the stability of my mother and her younger brother’s relationship, if I were to say no to the marriage?

Answer:

It is clear that you do not want to marry your cousin, and you are feeling pressured to do so in order to honor your parents. The respect you have for your parents is a noble characteristic. However, when it comes to marriage, one should never agree to marry someone in order to please others. Marriage is a serious endeavor requiring commitment and compatibility.

It can be challenging to feel conflicted between wanting to select your own marriage partner and wanting to please your parents. If you feel strongly that you prefer someone who shares a similar cultural outlook and speaks English as their first language, then those are important characteristics for you to establish in a potential spouse. Do not ignore all the red flags you are noticing in your current engagement. Your conclusion that your cousin is not compatible with you does not mean that there is anything wrong with your cousin—it just means that she may not be the right person for you.

Sometimes in life, we have to make difficult decisions that others may not understand. You can honor your parents by being honest with them about your concerns. Being honest about how you feel today will potentially save you and your family much heartbreak in the future. You also have your sister’s experience to learn from when making the best decision possible for yourself. Even if your parents are unhappy with your decision now, they will come to respect you for your honesty and self-reflection. You ultimately have to take personal responsibility for the choices you make in your own life and you will not be able to blame others for any consequences.

Trust your heart. Pray istakhara (prayer used in helping to make decisions) and make du`a’  (supplication) to God to light your way.

You may also find the following articles helpful:

Am I Marrying the Right Person?

10 Ways to Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

WebbCounselors is a collaborative advice column produced by two WebbAuthors, Amal Killawi, a Clinical Social Worker with a specialization in mental health and marriage education, and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in premarital counseling. Please note that our counselors are not religious scholars and will not issue religious rulings. To read our full disclaimer, please visit our disclaimer page. To submit questions to the WebbCounselors, please email webbcounselors@suhaibwebb.com.