I think that Muslims and well as non-Muslims can fall victim to shaytan and the dunya. We are vulnerable because it is difficult to maintain Islamic character. Many muslims believe that if they don't smoke, drink, or cheat on their wives then they have an excuse to treat their spouses any kind of way.

Marriage is a job and some muslims do not want to work hard at perfecting it. We must pray and put in the effort as well to achieve a successful marriage.

Egos

salams to all,

i read all your comments and it's all pretty much true. it boils down to not implementing islam and not having a marriage based on the guidelines of islam. our deen if perfect and if we would just follow it, we would be in a much better state.

from experience, i can say that the woman's career is a big deal. if she sacrifices family for career, then it's pretty much a downward spiral. i made the mistake of expecting my husband to cook when i come home late. again, goes back to not clarifying expectations before marraige.
another issue is children, one wanting children the other not being ready. and then how to raise them.
husband not adhering to islamic laws- not lowering his gaze, intermingling with females ("oh, but they are my cousins" - as if they are mahram), watching movies with half naked women (bollywood, anyone?)


really, if we just lay down everything before taking the plunge it would save us from a lot of distress. deen and akhlaq, most important.

I think Muslims are now divorcing due to few factors. One being an arranged marriage to someone from a different culture with one spouse coming from "back home". Some marriages like this work out in the olden days their mind set was some what similar or they are traditional thinking or trying to keep the honour of family and bear it especially if married to a relative. The younger generation won't follow the same way.

Woman are now working and are educated, so if she doesn't like something she will not stick at the marriage if say her husband was cheating on her....she can support herself.

Some marry just to please their parents choice of partner. They give it time and call it off as one of them really wanted to marry someone else but wasn't allowed maybe "wrong caste or ethnic group".

Most are marrying their own choices, but even this is ending in split. The person they knew before marriage wasn't what they want after marriage and try changing them and ends in conflict.

Extended family can also be a result especially if you are still living with the in-laws. The couple don't have privacy and the girl is expected to cook, clean for all and it's something she doesn't want to do.

People have become too materialistic. They now marry a spouse chosen on their career. They start of falling for the charms but later it wears off as personality is differenent.

Most people are cultured rather than religious. Some are now having multiple divorces. It is far easier and accpted now a days to go through a divorce than it was 10 years ago and has now become the norm.

The community has to be more supportive and respect families privacy. The community are well known to gossip and shame others when they haven't looked beyond their own front doors.
When looking at potential spouses the community/ family think two single people- get married. They don't look at compatibility at different levels

FrustratedBrother: I read your comment, and I definitely think soaps/Bollywood (or Hollywood) movies SOMETIMES add to the problem. Many girls go into marriage thinking it'll be a fairy tale affair everyday, only to wake up to a somewhat different reality. Again, as people mentioned earlier, sometimes it just comes down to having way too many high expectations.

I have never been in so great marriage than this , but i am afraid that it is falling apart. Please Dear Sis, Bros i am asking you to make du'a for my family which i am afraid is on the edge of divorce coz of me being away from her ,I am in aposition of being unable to come to her now possibly save my marriage and my family from the really distruction that Allah is talking about in the Quran .
it is Du'a that might change the KADAR of Allah. please i am asking islamically to make Du'a for me and my family. I have come to where i have made decided of making Hijra. please make Du'a for me so that Allah may accept my hijrah.
salaams to all .
May Allah save all Halaah Marriages.

I will add though to my above comment, that I dont think thats the sole reason of course.

The main reason probably, as many ulema have suggested, is that we go into marriage without having knowledge of, and being prepared to fulfill our responsibilities. This has nothing to do with age as somebody above suggested, rather getting married young is highly emphasized. Whether young or old, we still need to be aware of our Islamic responsiblities as Muslim husband/wife/father/mother. See this article, Is Marriage Sinful? http://www.islamicamagazine.com/issue-16/is-mar...

Though I have also heard a scholar make a comment about bollywood similar to what i said above!!

Does anybody think that romance movies, Bollywood movies, soap opearas, etc are part of the problem?

In the Indian/Pakistani culture, many girls seem to love these 'bollywood' movies and these only taint their expectation of marriage. They imagine living such a bollywood movie and then are disappoinited that their husband doesnt meet their fantasy expectations.

We forget that marriage isn't a wordly deed, but rather an act of worship.

Asssalaamu alaikum,

I also agree with one of the above posts that divorce is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the halal solution that needs to happen.

In my own experience, the divorce process itself became much worse when the entire community self-righteously mobilized to "save" our failed marriage - creating a circus atmosphere that made everything much, much worse.

Paradoxically, our divorce and subsequent handling of custody went a lot better when we took it to the lawyers and a very good judge (who are PROFESSIONALS) rather than "friends", imams and lots of community folks who may have "good" intentions but become quite hysterical when the dissolution of the marriage occurs - they don't know what to do about divorce; their only reaction was to keep trying to trick us to get back together through any means necessary - primarily through trying to assess whose "fault" it was, which only poisoned our relationship even further - or totally diss one or both of us. There was no Plan B. You want to divorce, we wash our hands of you.

If anyone cares about the children - then please, try to keep the parents' psyche, honor, dignity, etc. intact, without forcing people who can no longer live together through humiliating public scrutiny of the community to keep them together "for the sake of the children".

Allah allows marriage, and shariah certainly allows for multiple divorce and remarriage. I wonder how any couple could get remarried after a first divorce, when the community browbeats, goes on witchhunts to ascertain whose "fault" it is, spreads rumors and destroys reputations, etc. all in the quest to reunite the couple!!! The first divorce is so horrible, it makes a reunion almost impossible!

I think we should worry about the divorce rate, yes. But we should worry about the quality of divorce more. Make it a dignified, honorable, confidential process, that is about communication not courtroom. Then maybe the divorced couple could actually maybe reconcile and start on a better footing at a later date. Now, it is the scorched earth method of divorce. If you want divorce, then you will get destroyed. Almost to teach a lesson to people about how horrible divorce is? Self-fulfilling prophecy.

We should also worry more about fornication and adultery, which is haram. I would rather to divorce twice than slip once into fornication. That will be the much bigger challenge in our society if young muslims become so frightened of marriage, divorce, etc. that they might do like their non-muslim counterparts and skip marriage altogether! May Allah protect us from that!

Marriage is beautiful, and quite frankly divorce can be very needed, good, gives a fresh start, as well.

Like it or not, divorce is halal! Allah describes exactly how to do divorce in the quran!! We are in surat al baqarah and we start learning about it! It is part of the sunnah.

Just one example, Zaid and Zaynab (raa) were matched together by Prophet Muhammad (saws) himself - and they still divorced. Clearly, some people's fate are not with certain people. They both remarried and had blessed marriages by the Decree of Allah SWT. Zaynab was married to Prophet Muhammad in the Heavens by Allah Himself subhanahu wa ta'alaa after her divorce!

Another example of a woman who was divorced for the 3rd time by her husband. She was immediately taken to the Prophet saws to help her get remarried. She had some offers, but the Prophet saws recommended against those men because they were not good enough (I remember one always had his stick up to beat his wife)! She was not considered "bottom of the barrel" because she was divorced! Prophet saws highly recommended she marry Usama (ra) one of the best companions!

If the stigma of divorce and divorced people were not so absolutely bent out of proportion nowadays, I think we would be more rational and mature in going into marriage in the first place.

We become so focused on "what if the marriage fails and this horrible divorce happens" that we create systemic fixes that start marriages off on a weak foundation, including:

- depressingly low standards (so we don't get our hearts broken in case the marriage fails). This reminds me of a line from a movie, to paraphrase: Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations to it.

- huge dowries (for security in case marriage fails)

- Unrealistic fantasy expectations of wife/husband (have to marry perfection and/or be perfect so we don't divorce - can't just be regular folks like everybody else)

- girl has to have education and good career (in case her marriage fails)

- delayed marriage (fear of divorce)

- playing the field, testing the waters, dating!, extensive secret courtships (to really check out the prospective partner - so we don't get divorced!)

- overinvolvement, threats, etc. from parents and family (to pressure and guilt-trip the young couple never to shame them and the clan with the black spot of divorce!)

On and on.

Sometimes the more we work to prevent something, the more we focus on the problem, the more the problem surfaces for us to "fix", the more we introduce non-islamic solutions to "fix" the problem, thereby getting away from the quran and sunnah, in a vicious circle. Sowing the seeds of the marriage's demise.

It really has to be more simple than we make it.

I agree we need more positive, real life, stories and examples, and analsyis, giving the nitty gritty, on successful marriages - all kinds including first time, remarriage, polygynous, same age, age gap - that really work, how and why. Also, really practical scholarship on the different marriages of rasoolullah (saws) and the flexibility in the shariah in terms of marriage styles, mates, ages, etc. We are not all the Muslim equivalents of Barbie and Ken.

Bismillah

Assalamu Alaykum wr wb bros and sis,

maybe some people do not take enough time to learn who they are going to marry. When they had enough time to know more about the partner, maybe they have chosen the wrong criteria- like beauty, youth, wealth...Or they just took a person who is a believing muslim(a) but has a bad character (Nafs is not educated enough and commands them, e.g. being angry easily, or dunya-factors like parents or job disturb the love between them)- we know that eeman gets up and down...such happens- and divorce is something what Allah s.t. dislikes. It is not impossible to divorce for a muslim, but it is actually the case when an individual differs from the other so much that they cannot live together anylonger in the same house. Marriage is a struggle too! A divorce can turn someone to a better human being (like any loss-it takes of course time) - repent and do it better the next time- insha allah. May Allah bless you all with a successful marriage. Sunna does not function without the regular implementation of the quran in our hearts! Salam bros and sis

One more thing is the shaikhs are also human and each muslim / muslima should also take responsibilities for their own learning and duties and responsibilities and rights to their spouses and themselves. That is they should be educated themselves and not rely only on the shaikhs because they sheikhs are fallible and all too often, it is like a judge, on who makes the best case. So one should empower themselves and know the good people around them and associate with the righteous. Not just the righteous in words but those whose actions match the words. All too often though, what is shown outside the home is not reflected in the home. The prophet (saw) said, that Those who are best are best to their families and I am the best to my family. And really if you want to ask the character of a person, ask the spouse. There is a fine line between being the cover for the spouse, backbiting the spouse, versus giving an honest opinion when needed for a matter of character. We all really need to know our deen and ourselves and our Lord should be our main goal. We serve our Lord, then we ourselves are serving humanity.

I think just because a woman is educated and earning, sometimes it makes it easier for the men to leave. They don't want to feel guilty and they say, she can support herself. They don't want to admit that the same education and earnings helped the husband get himself on his feet. When all is said and done, she helped him and supported him through all the trials and hardships. And when it is her turn to rest, the husband has finally established himself that he wishes to share it with someone else. Its not fair or nice. And she never gets her turn to be taken care of. That she is robbed of this security is a long term effect. More than either of them realize at the time. Sad to say but we all grow old and that youth of beauty is for the youth. Those who are themselves not of good heart fail to recognize the good heart of their spouse and that is an inner beauty only those with deen can see. Many also have used their spouses for green cards, citizenships, and other profits. Once accomplished, all the faults of the spouse are highlighted. Funny those did not come up all the time they were in an insecure position. la qadr allah. The thing is we are in the best of Hands and Allah is the one in power and to all we belong and to Allah is our return. And whatever the outcome, that outcome is the will of Allah and Allah is just. He will never let go the hand of the servant.

Back in 94 people weren't getting divorced as much. Imam Suhaib what do you think about people getting divorced and reasons why?

Asalamu alaykum,

Many thanks for your important comments.

SDW

Asalam Aleikum All
I think we should all get together each an every community. Register ourselves and decide to come up with a plan where each community contributes some amount of money every single month (depending on what they can afford).but make it fixed meaning everyone should pay their share every month inshallah. Then use this money to Hire an Imam/qualified scholars (more than 1 for communities that are bigger ) and have this Imam be available to help the whole community.

In the sense, that if a couple is having marital problems. They can go (privately) to the Imam(s) and ask for advice. Or even anyone planning to get married but not sure, if they are making the right choice can also schedule to see the imam and talk to them.

I mean all kind of help.
Example: ever attended a seminar about zakah and the sheikh says “please lets stick to the subject when it comes to question ” But still the sheikh end up with questions about fasting or how do I deal with such and such a case facing my child.
Why does this happen? because these people have no one else to ask this questions.

See during the time of the prophet SAW you hear so and so went to the Prophet SAW and asked this or that. And even after the prophet SAW we still read narrations that so and so went to Omar RA or Abubakar RA or Aisha RA and asked if this and that was right or how to do this or that…or deal with a situation...

When it comes to some matter it’s very important to consult someone knowledgeable. Its always good to get a neutral answer and who would be better than that one qualified scholar/Imam ?

Take an example:
I work with couple of muslimas, we where having lunch and one of the sisters asked us for some advice on how she can help a family that needed her assistant (something to do with one of their children getting married) we all had different suggestion but then again. None of us was qualified enough to help this sister and so we advised her to go look for an Imam /sheikh to assist her and shed some light on the matter(which is not that easy to find). The truth of the matter is if we have someone out there already in place to assist the community then that family would not have come to ask the sister (who dint know how to assist or resolve the matter in the first place). This small small matters taken very lightly may turn into bigger issues later when its way tooooo late to resolve them especially when we are turning to the wrong places for help.

Hire that Scholar, rent an office for them, pay them salaries (WITH MEDICAL AND DENTAL BENEFITS at least ).
Everyone needs one and if you don’t need one you would be helping someone else. Think of the reward!!!


Personally, I will be more than happy to volunteer to sign up names and pass the message around if needed. (santa clara ) and pay the monthly copay.

Think about it: Inshallah

Bismillah..

Assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah

I haven't been on this site often (in fact I rarely come to the blogosphere) so it's nice to see discourse al hamdulilah.

I remember once Ni'matullah (Abu Eesa) - sallamhullah, put up a very poignant reminder on thisvery topic..not so much on divorce as on unhappy marriages. The (short) article was mainly related to an athar (saying) of 'Umar radiAllahu 'anhu. A point that was raised in the post, was that while love is indeed a very important and valuable, aspect of marriage - something even made mention of in the Quran (cf. Sr. Room) - it is still nonetheless bot to be thought of as the only defining characteristic and purpose of marriage. Indeed the very athar of Umar radiAllahu 'anhu was him telling a woman never say to a husband that she hates him - even if it be the case, and as occured in the narration even when he swears to her by Allah that she tell him she hates him, but rather work towrads rectification together withoiut saying such a thing(! )

"It takes a lot more than just love to let a person: be able to swallow all the bitter pills that need swallowing as part of a marriage; keep a marriage going for years; to wash their spouses underwear; to rear kids with all the difficulties often entailed. " <--Something along those lines, were the words of Ni'matullah - and from my experience in local communities it is true.

Rather, as he said -quoting a singer from his days in jaahiliyah "love is just a second emotion"

We as an ummah need to work to engender greater mahabbah and mawaddah in the marrital relationships in our communities (in fact in all our relationships) - but we, at the same time, definitely need to get passed the false concepts and lies about life fed to us by all these unreal Holllywood images seen day-in and day-out.

Instead it should be understood in light of the words of Al Farooq, Umar: "few indeed are the houses that are built upon love, but rather the majority will be built upon Islam/love of Allah and ihsan (excellence)." (<--paraphrased). In fact were that to really be actualised then all would (hollywood included) would be able to look to us muslims to take the lead and to be the examples that we were meant to be.

As I said, through the both the good and the bad examples of marriages that I've come across with/through my teachers - may Allah preserve them, it is exactly as has been said: a blessed marriage written with acceptance from Allah or a corrupted marriage depreived of barakah from Allah, can be the difference between one having either a Paradise or a Hell in this world!

Allah knows best

Wassalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullah

I am single.

Now am I very scared.

May Allah protect me and my Muslim brethren from a disastrous marriage, ameen.

Please imam Webb... can we have some HAPPY STORIES ON HERE?

I mean, Allah mentions the Hellfire an awful lot in the Qur'an, but he always backs it up with mention of Paradise. He doesn't want His slaves to be trapped in a pit of fear!

So please balance this thread out with a request for happy stories about people who have been married for more than ten years, AND LOVE IT! Even with the trials.

Jazakallah khair.

Feminists women

I heard of a hadith that says the prophet SAW was asked about Islam when it was very strong and He mentioned that said there will come a time when it is going to be weakest and when asked how is that going to happen. The answer was The Muslims would not be practicing the deen as they should.

2 months ago in my comm class we where asked to each give a presentation from any topic and each one of us had to go to the front and talk for 10 minutes. I kept thinking “what on earth am I going to talk about for 10 minutes”. Me being that person who never talks in class in the first place anyways. However, the presentation was half the class grades so that meant no passing without presenting something.

After going through different topics I decided why not talk about my deen. knowing that its one of the religions that is mostly misunderstood. I decided my topic would be misconception about Islam But after giving It much thought I realize that would be a broad topic and 10 minutes was not enough and so finally I decided to narrow my topic and go for ‘Women in Islam”. While doing my preparation a thought came to my mind and I told myself “you know what? Let Islam speak for itself”. Therefore, I picked up the Quran, and went through the index picking verses that talked about women in Islam. In addition, I decided to add hadiths which helped to prove my points and finally with a little explanation for each verse that I picked Alhamdullilah I ended up with few slides about Muslim women.

During the presentation, all I did was read those verses. After my presentation, most of my classmates came to me some on the very same day and others on the days that followed. One thing I notice was; most of them would tell me. “I guess not all Muslim follow the teachings of their book”. Their was also another one of them who told me “ I now know better, It is the people (some people ) not the religion that is to blame.


(2:255) There is no compulsion in religion. The right direction is henceforth distinct from error. And he who rejecteth false deities and believeth in Allah hath grasped a firm handhold which will never break. Allah is Hearer, Knower.
(285) On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith."

Surat nas is a short surah easy to memorize. Take a look, read it and see what a powerful dua it is and how much we all need it at all times.
An-Nas
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

Say: I seek refuge in the Lord of mankind, (1) The King of mankind, (2) The God of mankind, (3) From the evil of the sneaking whisperer, (4) Who whispereth in the hearts of mankind, (5) Of the jinn and of mankind. (6)


Shaytan (devil) is Al-waswas. He blows into the hearts of the son of Adam when his is sad/ happy. But when he (man) remembers Allah,Shaytan withdraws. Divorce is high cause we let shaytan (the devil)win.

solutions:

Best solution is to attain closeness to Allah .By doing all the obligatory duties (waajib) appropriately and by abstaining from that which is haraam and prohitted.

The reason why more couples in general (non-Muslims and Muslims) are getting divorced nowadays is primarily due to the women being more educated and having better jobs - the fact that in the past, most women were unable support themselves apart from their husband is a major reason couples remained together, despite all the problems within their relationships. By no means is this a bad thing - women nowadays should have the education/skills to take care of themselves and their kids anyways (in case God forbid something happens to the husband,etc.) But thats just a statistical fact worth clarifying.

As far as why Muslims in particular are divorcing at such high rates:

1. People getting married too early without being mature enough. Some young Muslims are just looking to fill their emotional/physical/carnal needs - and instead of being ready for all that comes with a marriage - in essence are just after a halal girlfriend/boyfriend.

2. Incompatible expectations. Many young muslims have grown up in households where the mother filled roles in the household that most 'western raised' girls are not looking to partake in their own families. Have mothers spoiled their kids and failed to prepare them for their own future relationships - or are girls raised here in general not prepared to take on the traditional role of the wife that many Muslim men in particular desire. Both sides are to blame.

3. We are all spiritually corrupted by the false ideals of marriage/romance we see on tv/movies. The real world is nothing like that.

Solutions:

Real premarital counseling - and discussing long term goals, expectations, etc. without any biases, before getting emotionally attached. This requires muslim men in particular to be real and honest with themselves and to their potential spouses - and unfortunately, nowadays most Muslim men can barely be considered men at all. (For a further explanation on this I recommend Imam Suhaib's article: Pulp Machismo & The Neoteric Males Pop Culture Dilemma - which was formerly on the Translators website - but can be found here: http://www.suhaibwebb.com/blog/general/pulp-mac...)

I think that many Muslims get married too quickly with little preparation. And there is not much talk about compatibility. When you start "talking" to someone, everyone is already asking "so when are you two getting married?" I also think that many Muslims treat marriage like its dating. So you see sisters who have be married multiple times. I know a sister who has been married five times. The fifth time she only knew the person for a week. This is not realistic. We have to spend time getting to know a person in a lawful environment.

I think one of the main reasons is the "fantasy" expectations that people have of marriage, that once a person gets married all of their problems are solved - they won't be tempted by anyone else, lowering the gaze will be easy, married life will be full of love and happiness without any problems, etc. Ever notice how nearly all of the brothers talking about marrying more than one wife are unmarried? Sisters talk about marriage like some romance novel/movie, where the guy is always buying flowers and catering to her every whim.

People do not understand that marriage is hard work that takes time, patience, and effort to do successfully. Both men and women think that marriage is like a fairy tale, until reality sets in a few days/weeks/months after the wedding.

There needs to be mandatory pre-marital counseling that both the man and woman go through to prepare for married life, so that their expectations are set correctly, and that they learn some techniques on how to deal with marital problems that will inevitably come up.

And Allah (swt) knows best.

Salaam.
Ive been divorced twice.

I firmly believe both cases were largely due to the fact that I got married for the wrong reasons.

I saw the warning signs before each marriage and I still took the plunge.

And early on in the marriage my worst fears were realized.

My advice to sisters/brothers out there: if you are engaged to someone, don't let attraction overpower you into making a decision that should really be for life. Attraction is important but if it's not accompanied by other essential ingredients walk away. Better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.

wassalaam

Assalam Alaykum

In my opinion, a main cause for divorce is incompatibility. Just because two people are Muslim, unfortunately, this does not mean that they compatible.

Difficulties’ occur because of different interpretations and cultural baggage. I have seen very practising Muslims having great difficulties because of different views in relation to the expectations which they have for each other.

One way to try and avoid this situation is for prospective spouses to discuss fundamental issues before proceeding with a marriage. These includes, the views of each other on key issues such as the role of the husband and wife and the expectations of each person.

Another important issue is the advisors people take. If you are to take counsel from someone ensure it is someone with a good Islamic grounding. Wrong advisors can often cause the must conflict between spouses.

I dont think thatmore blame can be attributed to one sex or the other.

Salaams Suhaib,

I think your question is too vague as muslims comes from many different economy and cultural backgrounds. And the term high is relative to the what standard? I would like to see the source of the study and the methodology of that statement.

My other question if we're studying just the muslim group, is it because we are looking at main religious points that triggers the divorce? i.e. a Sunni marrying a Syiah or marrying a converted muslim?

Now, THAT would be an interesting study indeed.