S,

I maybe wrong in my thinking but here are my thoughts. Feel free to disagree and refute them.

I agree with you divorce should be a last resort. But the strategies we use to salvage the marriage should be demanding BOTH parties and their support group, as well as the people of influence around them face up to the responsibilities toward the marriage and each other. These are strategies based on self-respect, commitment and honest communication - allowing the issues that lead to the break down of the marriage to come forth and to be dealt with, hence building trust.

The story places the responsibility of saving the marriage on the woman alone. It feeds into stereotypes that women as one Imam locally told me during my divorce proceedings, are the key to a good marriage. If the woman is always happy and trying to please her husband, the marriage is successful. If the marriage fails - it is because She failed to please her husband.

Let me ask you this question? Can you honestly say - that you know of a real case where a woman on the boundaries of divorce used these strategies and saved her marriage?

Because I can honestly say, that I know of women who used this strategy and more - and it did not work. Worse yet, they ended up divorced and PREGNANT! Maybe this can help us understand the wisdom why God says in the Quran - Do not share their beds. Because such halal love interaction should be within bounds of commitment and trust. When one party or both are not committed to the marriage - it is risky to tell women to use such means to save their marriage.

The Quran advises us to bring both parties and their families or support group and work out the problems. That is the methodology of last resort we should use. Honest communication that checks to see if there is commitment.

When a similar case that happened within people I know - the marraige was saved. Because people around the brother stood up to him and spoke some sense into him - and demanded he own up to his responsibilities. They further went to his family and demanded they accept responsibility to speak to him on this issue. It took a year, but the circle of influence and his family pressured him to shape up and stop hurting his wife. It takes a village to raise a child, and the same village to support the family that is raising the child. Saving a marriage should not rest on the shoulders of women alone. The strategies of the Quran worked well in this case.

Please read…
I can’t bear his absence
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE&cid=1120469514615
“All of this comes out of a possessive love, that may or may not have contributed towards the break-up in the marriage. Before you start feeling guilty, please don’t. As you have realized for yourself, it was immaturity on both sides. It was not just you alone. In order to help this love to be mature, it would be helpful if you could actually stop thinking of him as ‘my spouse’. He is no longer your spouse and may now have an independent life. We fear the loss that we hold on the most and in that holding on, we prevent the inner growth and the development of the other. So we end up losing it anyway…once you can let go of him, belonging to you and dependent on the reality of the situation from his point of view…”

Finally, please read…
What is Love?
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE&cid=1162287536662
“This where much emotional damage can be done to either party, especially when individuals become prey to the feelings of ‘romantic love’ which lead to pre-marital relationships. If the relationship moves towards marriage, the doors of reality flies open and there might be not so pleasant surprises. One of those surprises is boredom with each other, because the relationship was not based on anything more than emotions.”

wasalaam,
Fedwa

Fedwa i totally agree with what you say. Every trial and tribulation we face - we should automatically turn to Allah for help.

But surely you must agree that divorce should be a last resort? When someone has invested years of commitment and love into a marriage they will automatically do what is natural i.e. try and salvage the situation.
I don’t think she was being possessive either. She wasn’t just thinking about herself, she was thinking about her son too. Many women suffer long and lifeless marriages just so that they can keep the family fabric intact. Not just because they are possessive.

If a child in a family goes off the rails - will the family just turn their backs on them? No they won’t. They would be patient in the hope that one day their child will turn back. But they won’t give up on them at the first hurdle.

Finally, marriage is the halal way for a couple to love each other. It would be natural for this sister to try and see one last time if there is any love left. Don’t forget that Shaytan will do anything to break up marriages. It may have been this sisters strong faith in Allah that gave her patience to see what happens. Rather than say ok if you want a divorce you’ll get one.

Walaikumsalam

I reflected and reflected and here are my thoughts.

When counselors deal with divorcees - you cannot imagine how many sisters are emotionally and mentally abused by stories such as above. They try so hard to prove their love and light his fire, and whatever hoops our community demands of them — ending up hurting themselves emotionally and mentally and feeling like a failure, dumped and rejected.

Our faith is a faith of mercy. God did not ask Women who feel their husbands are going to abandon them to jump hoops to keep them. Read the Quran and the passage on women who fear abandonment by their husbands…

Let me pose a few questions…

Number 1, did the wife turn to herself or turn to God in this trial? She turned to herself.

Number 2, did the husband turn to God in his trial of a dead marriage or to himself? He turned to himself and met Mary Ann.

Number 3, did Mary Anne, let us assume She is Muslim turn to herself or to Allah, like Moses did, with her need for a husband? She turned to herself.

We all slip. We all fail. We all commit sin. Allah asks us to repent. Did any of them repent to God for their sins and shortcomings? No. God does not change a situation unless …. The change comes from God. It does not come from us. The change DOES NOT come when we turn to OURSELVES. So it is a plain fairy tale to assume and delude yourself that you can CHANGE a sinful husband by becoming a clinging possessive woman who cannot let him go.

We were not created to live happily ever after fairy tale lives. Prophet Muhammad, upon him peace and blessings loved Aisha(RA) very very much. But when there was a conflict with the mission he has to attend to, he gave her and the rest of his wives the choice to divorce with a GIFT. This is true love. Possessiveness is not true love or love period.

God sends us trials and tribulations. Read the story of Prophet Yusuf, the best of stories about the truimph of the soul. Yusuf, upon him peace turns to God for help. The wife of the Aziz later is reformed to seek repentance to God and ask for forgiveness. She is transformed by God from a possessive clinging woman running after Yusuf, to a woman who experiences real love.

These are stories that should bring tears to our eyes. Stories that open us to bear witness to the attributes and presence of God in our lives and how God CHANGES people around when we turn to him for help.

Finally, please read below a TRUE AND REAL story of a sister, who like many sisters absorb the social condtioning that She has to fix her husband who does not want her - She must try to do whatever it takes to save her marriage, otherwise She is worthless. So many sisters fall apart in a divorce because there is a social stigma that She somehow failed to please her husband and you cannot imagine how hard they try to and how hard they fail and how hard they cry and the emotional scars left behind.

It has two parts. Read it and reflect. What message are we sending to sisters who are dumped with the story above? Isn’t it enough that they have to deal with a husband who is not committed in a marriage and wants to dump them - to emotionally make them feel like God has burdened them with changing this person around? God asked us to change ourselves, not other people.

Too many fireworks (part 1)
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE&cid=1120469515749

(part 2)
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE&cid=1120469515859
“we know how difficult it must be for you to feel that your husband who says he once loved you and was committed to the marriage is now rejecting you, essentially based on what he blames as your behavior. However, we want to reassure you that you are a special and unique person who needs to be treated with care, compassion, love, kindness, and most of all forgiveness! As you review your own situation, ask yourself if the man you are trying to hard to win back will be able to treat you with care, compassion, love, kindness, and most importantly, forgive you! Will he? Make lots of du`aa’ (supplication) to Allah, and please remember that in the end, no matter what happens, it will be according to the will of Allah, and you know that Allah knows best! ”

May Allah forgive me and guide me if I am saying anything wrong.

wasalaam,
Fedwa

Jazak Allah for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes, and surely, an eye-opener for those who reflect in sha Allah. Fi aman Allah.

I am a divorcee and I feel very very bothered when people pity me and think that I am just dying to get married to someone elses husband. Why do people pity us so much and make an assumption that we are all dying to get married and we would accept a polygamous marriage at the destruction of other people’s lives?

Message to Muslim community: I don’t want pity and I am comfortable being alone and seeing other women very happily married to good brothers. What happened to contentment with what you have? Why can’t women be content and not assume that unless they are married - they are an object of pity?

Where does Islam say that women are measured by being happily married. I have alot of friends that are happily married, and ma’shallah they have very good husbands. I make dua that Allah increases that marriage in blessing and love and protects them.

Our protector and maintainer is Allah. Men are just means. To some, God gives husbands, kids and to others He does not. We should strive to be content. As a divorcee, I personally despise Mary Anne. I cannot and do not relate or feel compassion for her at all.

I am sorry - hands off married men and women. The other man or woman are downright selfish and only think of themselves, not the other man or woman, not their spouse, and not their children. It takes a village to raise a child, and it takes that same village to protect that famiy that is raising the child.

Why can’t we just learn to be content with what we have instead of falling apart and running after what we don’t have?

From my position - the story would have ended like this.
Ameena signs divorce papers and tells Ismail - take your house, your car, your pity and take a hike! God is ever present and my protector. You are just a means. If you are not man enough to fulfil your duties and responsibilities - I will turn to God for assistance and trust that He will provide from means that I do not have perception of. Now go be james bond, rambo and romeo and quote God to justify your actions.

I am not contending with God on matters of polygamy. Polygamy should be approached with Islamic adab, and not sin as is customarily the case in Muslim societies. I have found that cases of polygamy that succeeded - did so because the men were honest with their first wives and waited for them to emotionally accept the situation and helped them to relate to their co-wives before proceeding. Such men also married after building a strong, solid and successful first marriage that lasted years like our Prophet Muhammad, upon him peace and blessings. They met these women not through sin, but Islamic guidelines, and engaged them within Islamic guidelines as well. There was a strong bond of trust in the first marriage which allowed the second marriage to succeed without destroying the first.

Cases of failure, are cases of Ismail - narcissistic man thinks he is protector of woman, and jumps right into sin to meet and rescue women #2,3 & 4, while failing to fulfil his responsibilities to #1, then fights that he is trying to protect these lonely, pitiful divorced and widowed women who have no protector other than his ego.

Please, please don’t assume every divorced woman is just sitting home looking with envy at someone’s elses husband and dying to marry them. This really angers me alot. Some of us - just make dua that Allah blesses those marriages and helps us to remain chaste and be content.

Please read below this great counseling article:
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Cyber_Counselor/CyberCounselingE/CyberCounselingE&cid=1120469515087

“Realize that it is not your responsibility to rescue lonely woman, regardless of their circumstances. Leave the care of all other woman to Allah. Focus your energies on caring for your own wife! ”

I would prefer to be alone and content, then to be married and destroy another marriage or bring into it harm and turmoil.

Please don’t rescue me. Enough with the pity. Just take good care of your wife and kids, and may Allah reward you well.

wasalaam,
Fedwa

It also sets up rivalries between women — that they have to fight each other to keep their men. Instead of the protective male head of house and family and FAMILIES, women are being turned into the heads of household who have to keep their men in line and protect their OWN family unit from any evil female intruders who might want in on their turf.

Women do best when they cooperate with each other to gain legitimate status as wives for themselves and their kids - and other women in society - rather than being divided and conquered into “good girls” (only wives) and hussies (everybody else). Maybe if women collectively insisted that the “other” women are treated with the honor they deserve, that good men are shared not hoarded, then our communities wouldn’t be busying themselves building homeless shelters for muslim women who are single, divorced, and widowed.

Or that married women look the other way when their husbands have girlfriends, do porn, etc. — so long as he doesn’t actually try to have a legit relationship with the other women then she’ll just be quiet.

It denies and demeans the very experience that our religion affirms, that men are able to have multiple loves and maintain them in ways that are halal, respectful, and good for society.