A Few Good Men: American Muslim women bemoan lack of ‘good’ male suitors
Published by Webbmaster June 10th, 2008 in GeneralBy SONDOS KHOLOKI-KAHF, Staff Writer
Afaf*, 25, has been searching for a husband for a solid two years to no avail.
“All my friends were getting married by the age of 22, so, naturally, I wanted to be part of the ‘wedding club,’” she recalls. “And, of course, there was this romantic notion that it would be the love story of love stories.”
Afaf started feeling the pressure as her friends talked endlessly about wedding dresses, halal caterers and honeymoons, even though she had not been planning on getting married while in college.
“For whatever reason, getting married seemed to be the only, if not main, goal they strived for,” she says. “So, I felt I had to have this goal as well, and felt lacking among my friends that I was not married upon completion of my undergraduate studies.”
Thus began her search after graduating from college. When suitors came knocking, Afaf was surprised at the mediocrity of the suitors available and was left wondering, “Where are all the ‘good guys’?”
Afaf, now a first-year law student, is one of thousands of American Muslim women between the ages of 25 and 30 struggling to find a decent suitor. Educated, pious, beautiful and accomplished, these women should have a gaggle of like-minded men waiting outside their doors. Unfortunately, the few, if any, men who approach these women appear less than satisfactory.
“I tend to meet two types [of men],” says Maryam*, 28, who has also been searching for a mate since college. “The first is the practicing Muslim brother who has his act together, but unfortunately has some really incompatible ideas about women and gender roles. The second type I meet is progressive and open-minded and is truly looking for a partner in life, but is not a practicing Muslim.”
“For me,” Afaf says, “a good man is someone who lives a balanced life between Western and Eastern culture, giving precedence to religion.”
The lack of noteworthy male suitors is a topic frequently discussed between female friends. Muslim women are frustrated with the options left, and many are worried that their degrees and careers are getting in the way of meeting Mr. Right.
“We’ve been pushing young women to get educated and to get jobs, and now they’re being penalized for their ambition,” according to Munira Ezzeldine, author of “Before the Wedding: 150 Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married.”
“However, while these men are impressed with a successful and active woman, they do not consider her ‘marriage material,’” Ezzeldine adds. “Despite the elevation of women, many men have maintained traditional ideas as to the type of wife they seek. After all, they do not see anything wrong with the way their mother was.”
“I recently had a suitor who told me he would be willing to help me [around the house] by not making a mess,” Afaf recalls, adding he also told her she should not use her job as an excuse to ask him to help out at home.
“Furthermore, if he comes home from work hungry, I guess that would mean I would have to work part-time in order to have dinner prepared and ready when he comes home. I think that is the most frustrating aspect of being a female, only to be seen as a maid and a cook,” she says.
Dr. Maher Hathout, spokesman for the Islamic Center of Southern California, agrees. “Men are being programmed by their parents to look for a specific kind of woman: submissive, comforting, shy, and obedient,” he says. “The reality is that women are educated and looking to be comrades in marriage.”
The marriage crisis materializes when these women in their late 20s and early 30s become settled in their careers or studies and seem like less desirable options to men because they will not bend into this traditional role. While these women work on their personal goals, young Muslim men appear to give up on them and marry from “back home” or marry non-Muslims, making the pool of suitors even smaller.
“Education is becoming a sore point for the girls because the guy moves on,” says Shaikh Sadullah Khan, executive director of Religious Affairs at the Islamic Center of Irvine. “Our immigrant community has this mentality that our kid must graduate first, and for the girl, we’re stressing graduation versus marriage.”
Indeed, a startling number of young Muslim women are finding themselves scrambling to find a husband before reaching their 30s and possibly never marrying. Many accomplished and educated young women end up lowering their standards for the sake of avoiding lifelong loneliness.
“Unless this crisis is addressed seriously, honestly and scientifically, it will lead to the disintegration of our community through a dilution of the next generation Islamically, a sudden revolt against marriage by women or a decrease in self-esteem among wives who lowered their standards just to marry,” Hathout warns.
One young Muslim bachelor still searching for a spouse shares his take on the seeming lack of “good guys” on his weblog, “Marriage & Islam: The Quest for the Sweet One.” In the post, Quest, as he is called to maintain anonymity, states that the worthiest bachelors start looking for a spouse when they are in their early 20s to “satisfy their built-in, intense desire for women. … And this desire is always there, in the back of every man’s mind since puberty, like a ticking [bomb].”
These young, pious men begin looking for a wife, Quest reasons, who is closest to their age — basically, 19 to 21 years old.
“And what are these ‘good, smart ambitious girls’ doing when they’re in that age range?” Quest writes. “They’re also busy working on their education” and aren’t considering marriage. Or those who are considering marriage may be in a different location, so the two never meet, and the bachelors get fed up and marry from back home, he says.
Essentially, Quest emphasizes that the lack of a meeting forum is at the heart of the issue. “I think that is the BIGGEST problem – Muslims are scattered all over the country, and we’re not well connected. It’s hard to identify, know about, and meet the families of all the ‘good girls’ in a major metropolitan city, let alone the country,” he explains. “We put all these obstacles between faithful Muslim guys and girls, that I think even a Muslim Tom Cruise would have a hard time marrying!”
With the current circumstances at hand, Ezzeldine advises young women to plan realistically. “You have to realize that you can’t have it all,” she says. “It’s not going to be a fairy-tale where you excel at school, work 40-hour weeks, and marry a perfect guy. If you want to focus on a job or a higher degree, know that you might not have time to meet people.”
Quest echoes this sentiment by clarifying that women shouldn’t have to give up their goals, but should realize that in doing so, they are taking a risk. “The longer they delay marriage in favor of education, the less [number of ] eligible men they’ll meet once they’re ready for marriage,” he says. “And marriage and education are not necessarily conflicting. With the right husband, both can continue. It’s definitely a topic that should be brought up when considering a potential husband,” he adds.
Dr. Hathout also favors a path that allows for both education and marriage to flourish simultaneously. “We need to change the current family model into one that builds the self, the family, and each other at the same time,” he says. “Think of marriage as a tennis match — you want to play doubles, not singles, to win. In other words, struggle together and build your empire together. You are ready for marriage as long as you can get food on the table and a roof over your head, and there’s a potentiality for growth,” he stresses.
Ezzeldine draws on the life of the Prophet Muhammad for guidance, specifically the example of his relationship with Khadijah.
“The Prophet’s first wife, Khadijah, was an established career woman who was 15 years older than her husband,” Ezzeldine says. “Khadijah was a very confident and successful woman who actually proposed to the 24-year-old Muhammad. Yet, the Prophet was not intimidated by her nor found her ‘unmarriageable.’ They maintained a strong marriage as she continued to be a businesswoman, as well as wife and mother.”
Ezzeldine goes on to remind Muslims that Prophet Muhammad and Khadijah were married for 28 years, the longest of all his marriages. “Many Muslim women seek not to compete with men, but rather to establish a partnership with their spouse,” she continues. “Ultimately, these women want to be cherished and loved in the same way that the Prophet loved Khadijah. This type of partnership in marriage can only exist when both people are accepting and respectful of one another’s ambitions and priorities in life.”
Afaf has not given up searching for Mr. Right, but meanwhile uses school as a welcome distraction. “I used to be obsessed about marriage until I entered law school,” she says. “Pursuing my graduate studies has really allowed me to learn a lot about myself and to focus on things that matter. It is very sad to see girls who are 22 and depressed as to why they are not married. I have no problem with a woman who chooses to be a wife and a mother, but I do have problem if she believes that is all she can be … or doesn’t define herself as accomplished until she attains her MRS. Degree.”
* Names have been changed.
Taken from: InFocusNews.net
Asalamu Alaykum,
SubhanAllah how true, about the ‘two types’ of suitors which we come across… A practising brother, with demented views of women, and sucessful men with no deen!! Its only a handful which contain both..
“Men are being programmed by their parents to look for a specific kind of woman: submissive, comforting, shy, and obedient,”
Yes! Especially in the South Asian communities..
May Allah give ease to the sister who struggle in this way, and grant us balance minded husbands! Ameen
yeah… reading that was depressing… and there was no mention of solutions either to this impending crisis for the Ummah
This is a good article, but I wonder how many sisters never find Mr. Right because they only consider suitors from their ethnic group or country of national origin. For example, how often will an Arab consider a Pakistani or vice versa? Or how often will an immigrant Muslim consider an African-American as their spouse, even if they are educated, on their deen, and good looking!
Further, it is not just the brothers who have unrealistic expectations. Go to any Muslim matrimonial websight and you will find countless numbers of women who will not even consider a man unless he is a medical doctor.
Asalamu alaykum,
Although I can understand our sisters’ pain, it seems that going after the men in the community is becoming fashionable. In many ways, what we are seeing is the outcome of an over exposure to pop culture and feminism that has taken men from the likes of John Wayne to Homer. There are plenty of great brothers out there who are fulfilling their responsibilities to Allah and community. Many times it is these brothers who have the hardest time getting married because of the immense financial burden placed on them by our sisters as well as jahili family customs that forbid a sister from marrying outside of her village. Also, most sisters are not interested in following the family patterns set out by Islam, but instead seek those linked more to the Victorian family narrative. Thus, in many cases, sisters are coming in to marriages saying, “What are my rights?” “Who’s the leader?” and “You bring number two and you’re through.”
SDW
True say, its both parties really…. Its about compromise and understanding!!!
“We put all these obstacles between faithful Muslim guys and girls, that I think even a Muslim Tom Cruise would have a hard time marrying!”
Salaam
Interesting article
If women are given the choice to persue their careers etc.. and become full time workers, then why are men blamed when they do not want to marry these type of women is it not unfair to say “and now they’re being penalized for their ambition”? In reverse, why should men be forced to marry women they do not want?
“Despite the elevation of women, many men have maintained traditional ideas as to the type of wife they seek. After all, they do not see anything wrong with the way their mother was.” is it just me? or do i sense that this is being stated as something “bad”? If i want a traditional women who stays at home and that leads to sisters with full time jobs in a problem, why Am i being blamed? After all, is this not the very same attitude many sisters have? Wanting to work full time and wanting to find a husband thats ok with that?
If i would want my future wife to cook does not automatically mean that my wife will “only be seen as a maid and a cook”? I think thats a very unfair statement. I am in no way ascerting that it is foridden for women to work outside the house, but my worry is more to do with practicality, as i do not see how, if both work full time, they will raise children with the right tarbiyyah.
The Point about Khadijah (RA) being a business women, lets not forget that she was not actively travelling for business purposes rather she got the Prophet (P) to that for her. Again the point being that how can a women have a full time job and yet maintain an effective role as a mother and wife.
Also, just because women are becoming career orientated does not necessarily mean that they are “elevated”
again with all due respect what is Dr. Maher Hathout trying to tell us?!! That men trying to find qualities such as submissiveness (the meaning of this is debatable), comforting, shy, and obedient are somehow qualities of uneducated women!! he says. “The reality is that women are educated and looking to be comrades in marriage.” Thus him setting educated women up against these qualities seems to strengthen the view of men who see educated women as not being fit for marriage! The Sunnah is full of praise of women with these qualities!! (excluding submissiveness as i am not sure what he means by this)
I must agree with Ezzeldine of that fact women must have a realistic view. If women have taken a decision to do something, then they should be women enough to take its consequences and not end up in this victim mentality ” I am being penalised for doing this and so on…”
No doubt there might be sisters out there that can manage their full time job as well as fulfill their social role but how many women can do that still remains doubtful, and it is this very doubt that puts off young men from marrying this type of career orientated women. So they are going after women with qualities they think they can have a happy life with, and not simply looking for a cook and maid.
It seems that what is realistic is for women to work part time, be active in the community which will aid her social role rather than just imitate the role of men.
Hope did not come out as rude if i did, apologies in advance
Peace…
There are 2 ways of dealing with it:
1) Complain until the brothers become more Islamic and manly
2) Men go back home and marry a sister there
Either way, this is maybe the umpteenth article I have seen on this issue and others have noticed it too–and there are little to no viable solutions mentioned here. This problem isn’t going to go away anytime soon.
I remember Sh. Webb saying he was going to start a marriage initiative for unmarried sisters but haven’t heard anything on that as of late.
As-salamu ‘alaikom,
I have a bias in that I am more familiar with a number of muslim men who I hold in high regard and who have often long been looking for spouses than I am with muslim women. But in my observation these good, educated, actively religious, open-minded — immigrant — men are often being passed over because having come to the U.S. the jobs most readily available to them here, while able to support families, do not denote a level of status many women or women’s families would prefer.
There are a lot of good points mentioned in this article.
Conversely, I think that sisters’ grief about this issue is precisely because in this North American environment our understanding of Islam has been freed from repressive cultural ‘back home’ notions.
We are becoming aware of our rights as women with Islam, while being confronted with cultural attitudes that just don’t want to let the old standards go.
From my personal experience, there are a lot of suitors who want the hijabi, religious, educated, beautiful sister, she’s a beautiful modest woman who’s contributing to the household income. And there are a LOT of these women out there.
But the problem here is that these particular women, not the women who waiting to hit payload, mind you, these sisters have increased their ideological expectations of men.
I wouldn’t blame it all on pop culture and movies, however, because if you look at the women in the house of the Prophet (SAW)….dynamic, spirited, spirtual, thoughtful, intelligent, modest, pious, beautiful women….they surrounded our Blessed Prophet (SAW), from his daughter Fatima to his wives Aisha and Khadija, and these are just some of the more prominent ones.
If we are all to emulate the Prophet (SAW), we need to understand that it takes patience, understanding, and a constant effort to diminish the ego as much as possible:
“A’isha was asked, after the Blessed Prophet’s death, what he used to do at home when he was not at prayer; and she replied: ‘He served his family: he used to sweep the floor, and sew clothes.’ (Bukhari, Adhan, 44.) “
It doesn’t make a man any less of a man if he serves his family in the household capacity, just like it doesn’t make a woman any less of a woman if she has roles outside of the traditional home oriented ones.
Also, I mean to say there are a lot of very beneficial things in the comments posted here, jazakallahkhairun.
And please forgive me for anything negative in my comment, I hope it did not come off as too presumptuous.
i think the last post makes a great point, but beyond that there is still the point that this is a well-known, well-documented issue for which few solutions have been offered…especially for the sisters.
one thing is right though: the blogger who talks about guys in college already thinking about marriage. i’m almost 20 and it’s definitely on my mind, while the sisters around will think only about med school.
i think it’d be a great loss for muslim americans if this issue continues, however, because of how the ‘dilution’ of the community (as noted in the article) and the loss of not having such a well-educated muslimah as a mother and role model.
Bismillah al-Rahman al-Rahim
There’s nothing wrong (theoretically) with a Muslim woman wanting to pursue a career (it’s her right!).
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with a Muslim man not wanting to marry a woman who’s chosen that (especially since there can be much wrong in the way she pursues her career).
To reverse the scenario, there is nothing wrong (theoretically) with a Muslim man choosing to marry more than one wife (it’s his right!).
And there is nothing wrong with a Muslim woman not wanting to marry a man who’s chosen that (especially since there can be much wrong in the way polygamy is carried out).
Salamualaikum
I have seen girls in the US engaged in their long hunt for the prince. They want a Mr Ideal Guy in all categories they can imagine.
Girls! while staying here on this planet just pick top 1 or 2 things you are looking for. Leave the rest for jannah inshaAllah.
Secondly, they need all the advantages a wife gets from ‘leading a Muslim life’ part, which is fair, and they also cherry pick advantages from what a wife gets in a ‘typical American lifestyle’ part.
I know I am being a bit extreme here.
But Muslim girls in the US
- Need to practice Sabr. Not just learning ahadith on Sabr. They know them all so well.
- Need to understand the Muslim family structure. There are gives and gets. Not just gets. IMPORTANTLY: the gives and gets are not same for women and men. The list reads different. But it balances out.
Disclaimer: There are some idiots among Muslim guys. I am not counting them.
As Salaamu Alaikum
I just wanted to leave a comment that lately alot of our fellow sisters and brothers have been on this same debate in a similar forum along with other topics
http://jannah.org/madina/index.php?topic=868.msg4329;topicseen#msg4329
if you dont mind taking a look and seeing some other comments on the same article.
But as for my personal persepctive I would have to agree with A Muslim Girl, I’ve just turned 20, finished my university studies early and it seems that I cannot find a suitor wiling to slightly bend the gender roles, Am I expected to stay at home, when I just worked my hardest to get a degree to find a comfortable job??!!! That does not make sense. I’ve read on a blog that A male Muslim Doctor wants a wife who is a Doctor, only to stay at home and tend for children and no longer practice.I think both genders need to be more realistic.
Until then, Make Dua, Allah knows who will be your spouse, it’s all Naseeb, he’s just waiting for the right time to bring him or her into your life
~~Nadiyya~~
Interesting. I don’t think it’s so much a matter of bemoaning a lack of good suitors, but the bemoaning of a lack of “meeting” said suitors due to the problem mentioned in the article of a lack of connection between Muslims over a city, let alone country. And this is a pendalum which swings both ways for males and females who are looking for spouses, and not just females. Although I think females are just more prone to discussing marriage like the author mentioned at the beginning. I don’t know if guys tend to discuss marriage prospects as much with their friends (?)
The point about college aged Muslim guys (19-21) who begin to look for spouses is well taken. Sometimes I wonder how can there be so many good Muslim brothers and sister in the MSA and around campus, with similar outlooks and goals in life, but they will never be likely to consider one another for marriage. Is this because everyone’s waiting to graduate before getting married? Is it because each one’s parents have something else in mind? Or is it something else. It’s frustrating to see no connections being made between people who may be compatible for one another.
I think the biggest problem is a broken/lack of a legitimate courting system.
After college it becomes harder to meet people, and a lot of people may not have large family/community networks. Yea, there’s all the matrimonial websites popping up, but a lot of people are not comfortable with that (understandably so).
The problem also gets doubly worse for girls because while a guy still has the advantage in that he can initiate proposals (at least that’s how people usually expect things), often the girl is just left to wait it out.
As salaamu alaikum
If “pop” culture is to blame for altering the mindset of sisters then it is equally responsible for altering the mindset of brothers. Could it be fear that drives brothers to race away from educated sisters? I mean an educated one will hold him accountable for what he is accountable for whereas an uneducated sister often will not. Furthermore an uneducated man will most likely believe his position and authority is challenged if the sister is more educated. Contrary to popular belief educated career women would have no problem setting that aside to stay home and raise a family; simply because she knows that in the event the marriage fails she can take care of herself (since the community cannot be relied upon in the West).
As Muslims we are supposed to strive for the best - in ourselves - and not become stagnant; so if we opt for the simpleton how are we improving ourselves? We are not and the failure is then ours. Those that are weak in faith and ability should seek to improve themselves before marrying another and bringing that person down.
Women are regining their autonomy and asserting themselves which is their right but that scares brothers who believe they hold all the cards.
I consider myself lucky, alhamdulillah. I had finished my education worked for a few years and then married in my late twenties. I still am going after my ambitions, alhamdulillah. But as a wife and now a mother, you realize there are more priorites than your own ambition.
When I was dicussing marriage with my then potential, I remember insisting that he not stand in the way of my work. To this he would always reply: “As long as you fulfill your duties as a wife and mother.” No we are not maids and cooks. But we are wives and mothers, and in our hands is the power to keep the harmony in the family. I live now, ‘back home’ and I realize that growing up in the US teaches you to be overly indivdualistic, and so in a relationship it becomes tic for tac. We, as women, forget that part of gaining Allah’s pleasure is gaining the pleasure of our husbands. And that as women our first and primary responsibility is to nurture and raise our children. That is why women bear children. If we are too absorbed with our ambitions, where do our children go? Yes housework can be split, but no one can take the place of a mother. And if a Muslim woman realizes this, then she cannot go after her ambition as fast as previously done. She has to make sacrifices for the benefit of the entire family. Not the father. God says: “Men are the maintainers of women of what they spend of their wealth” A women’s loyalty to her husband isn’t free. He buys it with him spending on her and his family. And if that is to be the case then he must be the primary breadwinner. If both sides work equally out of the house, who becomes the primary spender, and therefore how can there be any loyalty?
God created men and women as opposites. The man is outer half and the women is the inner half. If both are out chasing ambitions, who is inside? Don’t get me wrong it’s not a black and white division, and there can be overlaps, but there shouldn’t be any gaps.
It’s important to remember that ambitions can be distracting from attaining paradise and that it is also a piece of materialism. What are ambitions, but success in wordly affairs or wealth? Marriage is a sacred pact, more important than ambitions. It gives tranquility and grows love and protects from sin, things much more valuable than ambition.
One additional note about Khadija (raa). No one in the US ever mentions this: but after her marriage to the Prophet (asa), she handed over the bulk of her business to him (asa). And she fell back to being his (asa) vizier and primary advisor. If you have ambition in your heart, you can share ambition with your spouse. Ambition is a force, but it can be directed towards anything, and the best ambition is to be ambitious in attaining Paradise.
I have to admit…this was a pretty scary article, especially as a young and verryyy ambitious 18 year old. But I cannot say that I am surprised, for most of my friends are enduring and struggling with this issue. Mind you: MashAllah: beautiful very educated, pious, friends. But I do have to ask if someone could define: ambition. Because I really believe that there are certain types of people who are ambitious just for the sake of success and then there are other types of people who are ambitious solely for the sake of this Muslim Ummah and helping to restore what has been lacking for so long: education and light. I personally am aspiring medical school and have been impeded my numerous friends who have been afraid that med school would keep me away from the marriage facet of life. And I find this absolutely ridiculous. Now I COMPLETELY argee with most of the posts above that state that the wife has obligations in the home, primarily with the raising of the children (because afterall that is why mothers in Islam are regarded soo highly) But I do not believe that because someone is chasing their dreams (especially if their dreams will help strengthen this Ummah) should become barriers to marriage. I also believe that a mother who is so ambitious is just the kind of role that their children need. For how can they teach their kids education and encourage them to reach the best when they have not done so themselves. Now I could go on and on regarding this issue, for it is extremely convoluted, but I do want to only point out a couple of things as a response to the previous posts.
First of all, I 150% agree with Irshad. I think that a lot of the reason why women are not finding the perfect man is due to their very limited group. Like Irshad mentioned, what Arab would consider an African-American or an Indian? None, and this is the jahili that Imam Suhaib Webb is talking about. I think it is VERYY important to be “ethnic-blind” when looking for the perfect guy. And if one cannot overcome their prejudices then they can suffer the consequences…That is all I can say.
Also, I do not believe that pop ure is to be at blame for these new standards that muslim women have. Not at All! It is simply, as another posts mentioned, a realization and an understanding of what rights we have been given by Islam. And that I think that is what scares a lot of guys. Some guys want to keep their women blind to their rights, so that they can do whatever they want and not expect any “talking-back.” And I think this is VERYYY wrong, because we are humans, not robots. And that is why I really believe a lot of guys go back home, to find these ignorant but beautiful women to use as children-making machines.
One other thing I would like to point out is what nta had mentioned about ambition. I do agree that certain ambitious are very distracting and only reflect a love for “this life” more than the next. But not all…some ambitions, on the contrary, are only a reflection for the love one has for Islam and most important the desire one has to please Allah….and anything that prevents us from pleasing Allah, I think, is something we should all stay away from…even if that means the last guy on earth..
Again these are all my viewpoints. And I may just be a little 18 year old with no experience, but my mother is uneducated and I see the pain she goes through due to that. And I think that, if God forbid, the marriage does not work out…us women have something to fall on…our degrees, and not find ourselves like the women back home, begging to our families…
In the end…I just know that whatever is naseeb will come to us, with or without a degree….
Salamz
Asslaamaualaykum-
I would have to add that in my experience, there is a third type of brother:
MashAllah, he’s totally on board with an educated, working muslimah AND he’s a practicing Muslim…so what’s the catch? Many of these brothers feel like they do not have the financial stability/resources to be a legitimate suitor and so they never put themselves out there. And I’m talking about good, hard working, decent wage earning brothers. They have come to view marriage as a tremendous financial burden, and they are stuck in this trap of never feeling like they have enough money, a good enough job, etc. etc.
Also, when did ambition come to equal pursuing one’s studies. If I pursue my studies as a woman why is this labeled as ambitious? I have to admit, I am definitely pursuing my studies but I also have big ambitions to be a wife and a mother. Can’t I work hard for all of them? I think I am capable of achieving balance in which everyone wins if we work together.
I don’t consider myself particularly picky in any way, seriously. As a White Muslim, I can honestly say culture means nothing to me when it comes to marriage. On the other hand, I have heard several men tell me, ‘oh, I’m looking for a Pakistani girl. I’m sorry.’ Or, ‘Oh, you’re not Arab? My mother wouldn’t allow that.’ So really, it works both ways. Don’t even get me started on some of the things men have said to my Korean and African American sisters!
I just think that this is a problem that involves multiple players. You have the men and the women themselves and you have parents who think they know what’s best for their children, even if that “best” is marrying their daughter to a doctor from the same town as their family back “home.” This is the potential for a disastrous situation. On the other hand, maybe if we all just communicated with one another a little more this wouldn’t all be doomed. For instance, ladies/men, stand up for the man/woman you desire even if they don’t meet your parents expectations. Ok, so he’s not a doctor. Ladies stand up for him! Ok, so she’s not from the same culture as your parents. Men stand up for her! I know already that any husband I choose will go against everything my non-Muslim family believes is desirable in a husband. And I’m not talking about him being from the wrong city, country, sect, etc. etc. I’m talking about him being inshAllah a practicing Muslim.
Salamz
Wanted to share this link and though the title is “male self image and self development I think Both male and females can benefit Inshallah.
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?c=Article_C&cid=1212925165431&pagename=Zone-English-Family%2FFYELayout
We all know deep in our hearts men or female nobody is perfect. But there is always room for improvements.
May Allah swt increase our eman and respect for one another. Ameen.
Wow this is some deep stuff… lol.. good article overall and really eye opening.. I better start looking for Mr. Right as of right now… lol
Sisters “nta” Fatima M and Annie, if only there were more sisters like you, the studying wouldnt be an issue at all as you have defintely got your priorities right.
Sister Annie, what i found (from my little experience with people), is that White people who convert/revert (whichever you want to use) are really good at overlooking the race and culture issue. I cant say that unfortunately, for Muslim men in particular from the Middle East and Sub Continent. I might be completly wrong though
Anyway, Peace
I think a great idea is to have the nikka, and then have the couple remain seperate with their parents. They dont have to worry about as many of the rights they owe each other and they are able to fulfill each other’s emotional needs. This also allows them to marry while they’re young (and not miss out on the good suitors) and gives them the opportunity and time to pursue higher education. It’ll be like having a halal boyfriend or girl friend. Once they are finished with their education and have their own careers they could start living together. This plan would solve a lot of the problems mentioned in the article.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Br. akhan, what you are proposing needs to be very careful dealt with. Marriage comes with responsibility, but if someone is going to do the nikah and not live together, they need to have their intentions and priorities in place. A brother was telling me the other day that in Texas there are a lot of cases of Muslims getting their nikah done (hoping to start living together sometime later), and they start the “halal dating.” They realize after a while that having a spouse is not 100% Romeo and Juliet, and when problems arise, they get a divorce since they don’t want to work them out. That’s why I personally don’t think that someone should get married unless they are ready to handle the responsibilities of marriage.
Wallahu A’lam.
salamz, I just wanted to briefly comment on some of the posts.
Haq, I agree, for reverts it is a lot easier for them to overlook the culture or ethnic background, and for the biggest reason is that they don’t have parents to worry about approving of the man/woman…and this brings me to the point that IN MOST cases ethnic “racism” (one may call it) is in a lot of times placed in the hearts of young muslim Americans by their parents…and this is where I point my finger at the parents for the jahili they are instilling in their son/daughter, many times (I’m Arab soo I ssee this ALL the time) the son/daughter will be soooo afraid of the parent’s prejudices that they do not even THINK or the idea does not EVEN come to mind of marrying anyone else that is not “from him/her”…soo here, I think, being the first or latter generation in America, we should place a red flag and stand up against this…because this marriage crisis will grow and will affect the generations after….
My next comment goes to akhan…verryy interesting point you make and in many ways, it helps to get rid of A LOT of the problems that precede marriage, but my God, how many guys will ABUSE this “nikka” thing, I cannot imagine! Wollah, muslims will get married for the wrong reasons…and I don’t know about your culture akhan, but in Arab culture the nikka is usually veryyy close to the wedding date (there is a reason for that!), for if the girl goes out with her man and let’s say spends the night (which is TOTALLLYYY HALAL) WOOWWWW…..will she hear a lot of talk! Her family will look at her weird and her family’s friends will think very low of the girl (despite the couple being technically MARRIED!) And the last thing a girl wants is to marry and still be looked on dishoronably…soo this solution may possess more problems than it does solves…and ya I agree with everything Zubair Khan says…it’s the all or nothing law….
Oh one more thing Haq…when you said, “If i would want my future wife to cook does not automatically mean that my wife will ‘only be seen as a maid and a cook?’ you have nooooooo clueeeeee how much these “women with aspirations” LOVEEE to cook for their man…women in general do….forget cooking…anything for their men they will do, so don’t trip. Wit these educated women, its like you’re getting the best of both worlds, women who can teach your kids, help with financial burdens, help finance your dream home, and please her man…basically, everything on a silver platter, but wit da traditional women, you get da cooking, cleaning PERIOD…(in most general cases)….im sorry but I always had a problem with my mom and had DREAMED of her to do more with herself and her life, rather than just cook and clean …idk why men would want their women like this…but I will agree with one thing you said….Haq, there is NO WAY a women could put 150% on the raising of her kids, tarbiyah, education, and MAINTAIN a 9-5 job…I seriously think that’s impossible…what about family time? That’s why I would NEVER work full time as a doctor….if I do END UP working…its part time and only soo I can stay board certified…cuz I do have to practical wit myself…as you said…soo this is something we, woman, should think of and be realistic with… “It seems that what is realistic is for women to work part time, be active in the community which will aid her social role rather than just imitate the role of men.” Verry well said…
Fatima, its a relief to hear that (fewwww). Actually, the reason why I said that is because i felt this article was implying or trying to anyway, to pollerise the cooking aspect etc.. with being educated, so in a way looking down on women who are not that career oreintated for many reasons.
Though its very comforting to know that there are sisters out there who know what they want, have got their priorities sorted out, and more importantly know WHY they want it. If more sisters came out like this, I think the “fear” that guys have that has been mentioned in the posts, would reside to a great extent.
by the way, you really sold the “women with aspirations” part, you just raised my expectations!!! (lol, maybe markettings for you))
Thanks for the comment
Peace
I agree with Haq’s first reply. We all need to be educated, women and men. We all need to alter our expectations, not lower them, but raise ourselves to the expectations we have of others. Being married is difficult, your spouse is your “comrade in arms” and unless we realize this, we will never find happiness for ourselves or our families.
Ladies, it is not your husband who is going to take off from work to take the children to the doctor, stay home when they are sick, pick them up afterschool, make summer school, and tutoring plans. - That’s all you.
As far as the deen is concerned, if you find a husband who seems to be on the deen when you first marry, thinking he will be an excellent teacher and example to your children - teach them quran and rudimentary fiqh and islamic studies; you may be woefully dissappointed once the children arrive and you find he has neither the patience or ability to teach your babies.
And, you may surprise yourself that after finishing college, working, getting married, being married, and EVENTUALLY having children, that you find it is more of a jihad than you bargained for; and you just like many non-muslim women are finding, that is less stressful to not do it all.
And quite honestly, trying to find a man that wants to share equal work with the kids, the house, is a fruitless endeavor unfortunately. If the guy is atleast willing to wash the dishes or alternate, or if he is neat, your doing better than a majority.
EVERYBODY needs a skill.
No one can be dependent upon another human being to provide all their needs. I am happy to see that sisters are gaining skills.
I am an American muslima convert. I can not speak of the issues that exist in the foreign communities; however, I am a proponent of getting married young. I do not propose to believe young people have found a cure sexual attraction since we didn’t in our youth. Let them get married and live their lives without the expectation of children. The article was correct in that we are so spread out. We do not KNOW eachother, our family or personal histories. Many times, women meet a brother based on another brother’s “he’s a good brother” recommendation (and you know what I’m talking about).
How is he going to be with money. Makes no difference if he makes gaggles of it or not, how does he handle what he has?
Does he have friends, what kinds of friends are they?
How does he go about accomplishing his goals.
The list could go on. But the point is, these are issues that addressed after knowing a person after some time has passed.
At least some sisters HAVE suitors to choose from lol MashaAllah. Go for the best and don’t settle for less sisters.
salaam
i do feel that as a woman one can some times be penalised no matter what she does. for example i myself completed collidge etc. if a woman doesn’t work how shall she have money to live. i am not adverse to working but i acctually want to stay at home and be a wife and mother. islamic men that i have spoken to about this appreciat what i am saying. i acctually dont think a family can work if one parent doesnt stay at home at least until children are in school however, once you start talking about marradge with them they start saying well i can’t earn enough money to look after you because everything is rising in price due to the majority of families having 2 incomes now etc etc. which is true. if i don’t work it will place a massive burden on my husband. but if i do work:
a i think that will be impractical,
and b i dont feel my husband would like it even though he may admit he can’t earn enough money for the two of us.
i have heard emam suhaib webb say on a number of occations sisters ease up on us brothers. i hate to say it emam, but brothers ease up on us sisters.
you either want us to work or you don’t. if you don’t then fine, but understand you must then up your game and accept the huge burden. by the way what is wrong with a sisters wanting to know her rights as a wife? i have no problam with my husband being the “leader” nut then he must look after us and have enough knolidge to teach me islamic things that i don’t know. also what is wrong with disgussing the possability of number 2 3 and 4? better to know where you stand before marradge, rather than finding out when its to late. i feel there are very few people in the west who could manage more than one wife, there would be finantial issues educational issues for ones children etc. i have no problam with the possability of number two, but i feel the majority of men here can’t for what ever reason manage family number 1 never mind number two.
plus there are some men who just consider it there right, and treat it as if they are just going in to a shop and can say right i’ll have that 1 that 1 and that 1 please.
something else i find difficult in my experience is that women are looked down upon if they don’t work. not only by western society, indeed my friends and associates all know my willingness to remain at home, but by other muslims aswell. especially muslimas who themselves are working.
we need to stop doing this! brothers if you value your women and treat them correctly they will have no reason to strive for ego boosting jobs etc outside of the house. also if ones wife doesn’t work, how does she know once she has raised your children etc, that you will still look after her as best you can etc if you don’t tel her?
the not looking outside of your ethnic group thing and families wrecking very good potential marradges over such stuff truely buggs me to the depth of my soul. anyone involved in such wrecking really needs to sort it out!
may we all for fill our duties as muslims insha allah.
(the entire thing must be read for my response to be understood)
My mother lived the traditional indian wife life. When her husband passed away, she had neither anything to do and due to lack of reading over the years neither anything to think about either. She just sits around with nothing to do and in the end ends up watching television. She’ll pray five times a day and in between there’s really nothing for her to do or to think about. I compare my life with hers. I enjoy my reading and have a lot of interests due to my education and I have a lot to do and I have so many opportunities in front of me. In other words, I have a life! And I made my mother sacrifice her life for me and I feel terrible about it. Why did I not do all my housework when I was young and allow my mother to develop her interests or continue her education or even pursue a career that could be balanced with her family life (there are so many) so that now when her husband is dead and children grown up she could continue her interests full-time or earn extra money for herself if she wants to (there’s nothing like earning your own money) in the case her children don’t have jobs or have low-paying jobs that cannot fulfill her needs and wants.
I feel that all my life I should have done my own cooking and cleaning instead of having my mother do it for me. I wish my siblings had done similarly. Children should be doing their own housework after a certain young age. In fact, at the islamic summer camp here the first thing they try to train the kids to do is to wash their own clothes and do their own housework i.e their mother is not their maid. With the children doing all their housework, that would have given my mother time for herself, for her life, for her interests. I think it is a totally cruel thing to have the entire housework dumped on one person (the wife) as is done in indian homes (the men don’t move a muscle).
I don’t understand why people want someone else to do their cooking and cleaning and their housework. I certainly don’t want anyone serving me and washing my dishes and doing my laundry. If you want someone to serve you and do your housework and all, then you’ve got an ego problem and a laziness and a selfishness problem. I don’t want anyone sacrificing their life for me and getting tired for me. I think that’s cruel. The nafaqa the man gives is for the wife’s companionship not for her now to do all the housework from morning to night.
In an islamic home, everyone should be doing their own housework, including the husband. Spouses cook and clean FOR EACH OTHER, not one spouse serving and laboring for the other as if the other is KING. And children should be doing not only their own housework but are supposed to be serving their mother and father. I get shocked when I go to some indian homes and the mother is cooking meals for the grown up son and it just shocks me since serving the mother and father is such a big thing in islam and it supposed to be the other way around (the son cooking and serving the mother.) After a couple of years of age, children should be doing their own housework and should be serving the parents.
According to one prophetic saying I heard of, leadership is about serving the people. Leadership doesn’t mean you are superior or more important and everyone else is below you. No they are with you at the same level and you are guiding them gently and with love on equal footing holding their hands. Husband and wife are equal to each other as marriage partners to each other. They are clothing one for the other and not the woman being a red carpet for the man to walk on. Husband and wife cook and clean for each other and try to please EACH OTHER and care for each other and BOTH care for and look after the children. Wherever there are two and more people, a leader must be chosen to minimize chaos and discord and to gently guide the rest through the jungle that this life is sometimes, so the husband guides the rest of the family and manages the overall affairs of the family. This is just an administrative thing and not a position of superiority or nobility or higher rank or more importance : No, the wife is NOT in position number 2.
People are not aware of the realities facing women. Are you even aware that some women are ugly and dark and especially in indian societies no one wants to marry dark women, so they end up marrying men much older than them, especially since in indian societies women are considered a burden and parents don’t want them in the house. Are you aware that in some families, like in mine, there are mainly only female children. There’s no one to take care of the parents besides these female children. No, my parents and their daughters DO NOT WANT charity or support from male relatives or from anyone. We have self-respect and want to earn our own money and want to take care of our own parents and financially support them WELL and give them a good life, not just take something from the husband or have them just linger around the husband’s house.
If you men want someone to cook and clean for you and want the traditional wife who sacrifices her ENTIRE life for you, then go back home and marry someone from there. Why are you chasing after the educated, career-minded women who probably have many problems of their own, have to pay back parents’ debts, have to and want to take care of their parents and give them a good life or have special talents that they want to pursue and can benefit the community with. Do you know that in Thailand where I am living there’s this buddhist woman who is really good at pathology and forensics and she has solved a lot of murder cases and missing person cases (sometimes they are “missing” because the police is the one involved in the crime) and this educated, talented,intelligent and righteous married woman is trying to change the criminal procedure here to make it more scientific instead of based on just witnesses and setting up missing persons bureau for all the many missing people, from the tsunami and from muslim-government tension down in the south of thailand. So, if this woman converted to islam, you would tell her to forget about all the missing people, forget about the criminals getting away with the crimes which she can help solve? So, you are going to tell her that to be a good muslim woman you have to stay locked up in the house serving the husband and children( when they should be doing their own housework following sunnah)? Her story is not an isolated, rare case. Women are intelligent, talented, chaste, moral, active independent-minded people who can do a lot for themselves and for their parents and for the community and they need to work whether it is for themselves because they are single or divorced or it’s to financially support their parents well, especially for parents who have only daughters.
There is work and there is family and everybody knows that and the two need to be balanced (by men as well: men have to do houswork and serve the family as well).
There are women who do not want to study and don’t want to work and there are men who don’t want working women because they don’t want to do any housework and because they want biryani everyday and want to live in a hotel. These two can get married. Then there are men who want to marry working smart women and there are women who want to work [of course she will not work when the children are little. up until the children are grown up and going to school full-time and living their own life, she will either not work or work part time or not work and study part-time: whatever she can do without the little children being neglected. of course if her parents need money she’ll work no matter what.) and these people should marry.
It’s just about compatibility and what works for the couple involved and the situation they are in. I know couples where the wife is working and they don’t have arguments. Neither of them are neat freaks that need the house cleaned everdyday. They both work, they both care for the children , they both change the diapers and they both do the housework and they both cook and clean for each other and care for each other, where the husband is a gentle guide leading the family holding the wife’s hands and walking beside her and she is equal to him with him just having the additional responsibilty of managing the overall affairs of the family but in no way above her or better than her or more important.
People, if they don’t already, need to understand that a woman’s brain like the man’s is hungry for knowledge and high level of FIRST CLASS competitive education (no not just something she hears or learns from her husband. since when was learning from one person or from books considered learning?). People, especially in India but I think muslims need to also be reminded of this, need to understand that a woman is not there just for — (i will let you fill in the words). It’s sad I had to say this but this is the way a lot of people especially in the villages of india think and view women and its totally revolting, perverted, and simply disgusting. They think that’s all her role and function and don’t think of her and look at her as amatullah: as he is abdullah she is amatullah. and she is not just an animal whose only needs are food and shelter. She has a mind and wants an intellectually satisfying life. She is a thinking, intelligent, hungry for knowledge, moral active pure being and amatullah with things to do and places to go and with a life. So, stop imprisoning her. If she wants to stay at home, great but if she wants to go out let her do so within the major guidelines of islam. I saw a hadith from bukhari that said that women could go out for their needs. Besides, for me a car is a moving house. It’s all locked up, no one can see in it and you can even get the bigger ones in which people actually sleep in it as well and that vehicle is their house. So by moving in a good car/vehicle, no one has seen me and if I am staying in that vehicle I can even say that I haven’t even gone anywhere, I am in my house.
She is also simply a human being who just wants to have a good life and wants to pursue her interests and wants to do stuff. Whenever a man wants to do stuff, he is told “you can do this and that but don’t cross this limit or that limit.” Whenever a woman wants to do something she is told ” you can’t do it. stay in the house. Don’t step out of the house or you’ll get beaten ” and her morals are questioned. Instead she should be told “you can do this and that but don’t cross this limit or that limit.” Allah (SWT) told adam (as) to eat and drink and only not to approach one tree. This is the way in this world as well. Majority is permissable and very few things are not permissable and I think in women’s case it’s the same.
Islam doesn’t have anything against a woman working, but those men who go on ranting against women working know that your wife and daughters are then going to male doctors, male teachers, male counsellors, male everything. These same anti-women working men should not come to working women to ask for donations. If you don’t want a working wife, that’s your personal choice but don’t go ranting on against women who want to or have to work. There is nothing wrong with women who don’t want to work and serving the family is a good thing and most working women serve the family as well, but there is also nothing wrong with women who work and who want to work for whatever reason and they should not be considered unchaste.
There is nothing wrong for men to complain about women (i’ve heard it everywhere, from mimbar to home) but if women say anything about men or wants a good life for herself, she is unislamic and feminist. If feminism is about giving women a good life and empowering her, then what’s wrong with it provided it doesn’t cross the limits. We are a family of mainly only female daughters and there are many families like ours and being empowered is the only way to go for us and for my parents. My parents have nothing but benefit from educated, smart, moral, righteous, active, empowered women who live within the major guidelines of islam. They are going to start having problems if you tell them that their daughters cannot step out of the house and cannot do anything. Again, we don’t want anything from husband, male relatives, etc. It’s not free and you have to live like a scared mouse in their house and they never really care or want to or can give you the life you want or the life that your parents want. A lot of people want to pray five times a day, do qiamulail, do lots of zikr daily but they also want to have a good life in this world
and islam allows this, so women who want to have a good life and also want to give their mother and father a good life should be allowed to work
(of couse with hijab and of course if husband doesn’t allow she can’t. she shouldn’t have married such a person in the first place if she had planned on working.)
Also, I wanted to say that the prophetic legacy is also passed onto children by their mothers for those who give the impression that fatherhood is more important than motherhood and for those who perhaps unknowingly portray the mother as a silent- brainless -doesn’t know anything- emotional- out of her senses-irrational person who just cleans and cooks. The mother knows and should know just as much about qur’an and islam as the father and she passes on the prophetic legacy just as much and perhaps even more than the father considering the many more hours she spends with the children. I don’t know why anyone should feel anymore happier whether it was his father who praised him or his mother, as if the mother doesn’t have high standards to live up to. Considering how much my mother suffered for me throughout, if she praised me I would feel very good that I made her happy. I don’t know why people always bring gender into everything. Who cares whether it was your father who praised you or your mother? 99.9% of islam has nothing to do with gender (being good to your parents, serving your parents, salat, gratitude to Creator, tauheed, sawm, zakat, hajj, refraining from causing harm, etc., so you’re saying that a father can pass these qualities to children more than the mother? I know of a lot of females who are fulfilling
Allah’s NUMBER ONE COMMANDMENT to mankind (walidieni ihsana) along with tauheed and salat more than males. I have seen men suffering like hell in this world itself because of talking back to their parents and I have seen females who are successful and blessed by Allah because of their devotion to their parents. Gender plays no role in majority of islam, so stop always thinking gender-wise and stop being gender-obsessed and in fact, stop being male-chauvanist.
I don’t think this is a problem for guys also.
For guys, it is difficult to find pious girls that can help me in studying shariah coupled with a legal studies.
ws from brazil,
SM
asalaamu alaykum wow, i loved reading the above post, it gives one alot to think about!!! btw on the subject of women and jobs, in the UK we are in some need of islamic midwives! surely there is nothing wrong in women doing such a job indeed i am sure a woman would be much rewarded for this job inshallah.
As Salaam Alaykum!
Wow! Excellent article! I find myself in the same boat… (kinda). What I find difficult is being 26 years old and sometimes having more ilm that a brother. It’s as though having knowledge is a bad thing. I’m surprised at the incredibly limited number of brothers that sincerely worship Allah and strive to increase their knowledge. Muslim Marriage sites seem to be a joke. I’ve met some of the worst brothers on these sites.
It’s sad that a Muslimah is asking too much for a brother to know more than Juz Amma or know the arkan of Salah.
SubhanAllah. With these obstacles in place, I understand why so many sisters choose to stay single.
May Allah grant us all EASE! Ameen.
As Salaam Alaykum
Assalam alaikum Sheikh Suhaib,
I’m working on a follow-up article to “A Few Good Men,” scheduled to be published in the August issue of InFocus inshallah.
The women had their turn to share their frustrations, and now it’s the guys’ turn.
It would be a privilege to hear your thoughts on the topic. Would you be interested in being interviewed for the follow-up article? Please let me know at your earliest convenience.
Jazakallahu khair!
Salam,
I read the article and must say that I myself believe that, life is what you make it. If you want to live a successful life make every effort to be a success. Its not up to just the man to be a good suitor ladies look within and ask yourself what impression are you giving off. If us successful Muslim women put as much effort into finding a good man as we did our studies, careers etc then surely this article would not be warranted.
I might sound old fashioned but I have many friends some married some not married and I find that the ones who are married decide early on to let a man be a man (even if that means “dumbing oneself down a bit”).
I am no authority figure but before I met my fiance I was Feminist to the core. Now I think well I have the man of my dreams and through good communication he is supporting me with my career goals etc.
Is it really all down to the man? I am not sure, but I guess the jury will be out on this one for long while!
Good Luck to my sisters in their search, and to my brothers read up on the way the Prophet (PBUH) treated women, as he should be your role model
Wasalam
Assalamu Alaikum,
Didn’t get a chance to read all the comments, but girls need to look at themselves first.
What’s the percnetage of “down-to-earth” Muslim girls nowadays? What about knowledge of Islamic responsiblities as a Muslim wife?
Typically, younger girls tend to look for Mr. Perfect, they confine themselves to very tight limits in terms of his expected age, height, education, looks, etc. In doing so, they reject excellent suitors waiting for Mr Perfect to arrive (though he may have already knocked her door but she didnt consider him because he was 1 year too old/young or 1 inch too short). After several years waiting for Mr Perfect, this girl is now in her mid-to-late 20s and now the pool of eligible bachelors with interest has thinned significantly.
And what don’t we understand about the Islamic importance of early marriage? That concept seems to be lost on people nowadays. Girls…do you know what those Muslim men (many of whom are also practicing) are doing while they are single? Hmm…..often many haram things.
Sadly, if 1 of those guys decides he wants to stay away from sin and get married, lets say he is 24 years old or less, he will get rejected because he is “too young”. Astaghfirullah.
In response to Fatima, how is it abuse when nikah has been done?
I agree that what you mentioned about culture is a valid consideration. But at the same time, I think thats one of the problems that need to be fixed. Why should somebody be looked down upon when she is doing something halal?
If we put culture aside, given that in today’s time, by the time a guy starts working full-time he is typically 21-25, having nikah done while living separately is an alternative provided that both parties consent and waive some of their rights (eg husband can’t always provide, protect his wife when they are living separately). This nikah would mean that they are infact husband and wife and would spend nights with each other. It would enable us to get married younger and alleviate so many problems and would signifcantly improve the condition of the young brothers and sisters in our society. This is just my opinion and not an Islamic verdict.
Jumping into nikha at the wrong time is not a solution entirely. See here one is thinking of the physical needs as frustrated brother mentions. The question is what exactly is Nikha? I believe once nikha is performed, you are practically 100 % husband and wife and that is marriage. So if you are thinking “okay am not ready for marriage am still in school I cant provide right now ” or “ am not ready to give birth to a child yet” Then my brother and sisters you are not ready for nikha either. Nikha is marriage lets not forget that. When a Brother or sister wants to avoid haram dating and decides lets go do a nikha and live apart but see each other whenever we can. The Question: does this apart mean no physical connection? Probably not, now let us think what are the chances of procreation during these contacts? Very high. So if you are considering nikha you must be prepared for the whole package it comes with children. And do not think “we can prevent that from happening”. The only 100 % prevention method is complete abstainance. Do some interviewing out there and see for yourself. Most of the parents will tell you “we dint plan to have one it just happened”. Yes, it was meant to happen but if you where not ready for the fact that it might just happen. Then stay away from the while process anyway.
Most of us always think Allah swt is the provider and if a child comes then Allah swt has plans and will open another door. Yes, Allah swt is the provider. But also Lets be realistic and not forget that Allah swt also made it clear, that the bounty of Allah swt are out there on planet earth and its our responsibility to go out and sake those bounties. Meaning if you got married and it happens that you are expecting a child, then my dear sisters and brothers. It is your responsibilities to step up and take the responsibilities seriously. The brother has to provide for the family hence if you where jobless then you need to find one, it does not matter what kind as long as you have one, as bills will pile up. As for the sister same applies get ready to keep up with your doctors appointment, start taking extra precaution in terms of being healthy yourself and taking care of your baby. In some cases, sisters need to slow down. Be prepared in the sense that pregnancy comes in different forms. Morning sickness or lots of bed rest needed sometimes etc. do not forget sleepless nights afterward. Once it happens, it is your turn now to become a parent and be there for that child. Islam stresses importance of “breast milk” a child might need it every 4 hours (I could be wrong about the time). In other words, when we think Nikha do not forget nikha is marriage my dear brother and sisters. If you are saying am not ready to provide for a family or am not ready to give up my classes for maternity time off. Then you should not consider nikha at all get that idea out of your head.
However, if you are ready to cut off from your classes and start working .then go ahead and do the nikha.
In other words if you know you are not ready for responsibilities then stay away from nikha. Brother who say ‘its hard and there is lots of fitnah” then the solution is not nikha .The solutions is keep yourself busy with other activities go play basket ball, go the masgid, lower your gaze avoid interactions with the opposite gender. Try your best .yes we are all human but we can all try our best too. Same goes for the sisters keep your distance if you are not ready to be a mother. If you find out a brother is interested in you and you know you are not ready to be a mother then do not entertain the idea.
Do not jump into nikha for the wrong reason. Nikha is marriage and there are no short cuts when it comes to marriage. If you are not ready for marriage and parenthood then stay away from the opposite gender.
Am not saying one cannot go to school, work at the same time and provide for their family. Yes, both can do this. it can only be done if you both are ready to step up and take responsibilities very serious. help one another as much as you can at the same time lower your expectations in the sense that you both need to make a lot of sacrifices, forget that dream house, dream car ,big wedding best of furniture’s etc at the moment and focus on “at least we have the basic needs”.
Assalamu Alaikum sister Muslimah,
I don’t disagree with your above comment. If you are getting married, you should be able to fulfill your responsiblities as muslim husband/wife.
However, what I’m suggesting is there are alternatives that can be considered. If a brother is studying and on the path to a career, if he has the support of his parents he can get married and the couple can live with them provided there is mutual agreement on this matter. Similarly they might choose to live separately for a period of time at the beginning of marriage, and this can be considered if there is mutual consent.
But I agree 100% that we need to be aware of our responsiblities before getting into marriage.
http://www.islamicamagazine.com/issue-16/is-marriage-sinful.html
Wa aleikum salam wr wb frustrated brother (what is with the frustration) Alhamdullilah Allah swt gave us the best of gift and that is Islam lets never forget that among many other things. Alhamdullilah.
Yes, I completely agree with you also in terms of if the parents are willing to support then the sister and brother should not even delay nikha. I guess my comment did not include that earlier I was only thinking of brother and sisters who are jumping into nikha when they are not ready.
I personally know few parents who support their children and Alhamdullilah most of them are happily married and pursuing their educations. Even though a few of them sometimes want it all and you would see a brother or a sister not too happy with sharing the house with in-laws. Which is very sad, since they should say; Alhamdullilah. At least they have a place to lay their head for free not forgetting their tuition is being paid for in most cases.
I read this article couple of times and I keep thinking, “What’s the solution”.
I think some of the reason of not finding a suitable spouse could be because our expectations are just excessively high. (Both men and women).I could be wrong.
I cannot imagine how many times I have had different conversation with different single sister or sister’s friends who are trying to help them find a spouse and sometimes you hear. (And am not saying this is how it is for all the sisters). Am sure we are all different.
1: single sister 2: sister helping her find someone
1: how old is he?
2; 28
1: No, he is too young.
2: you are 30 what is minus 2 for you.
or
1: Has he been married before?
2: Yes sister, unfortunately it dint workout. However, manshallah he is a good brother.
1: stop right there, I don’t want a divorced man”.
Or
2: He has a child from previous marriage.
1: No way, are you kidding I cannot deal with baby mama drama.
2: Sister do you even care to ask, what happened to his marriage?
1: What’s his profession?”
2: he works for such and such restaurant, been working there for years, he gets full benefit and his position is permanent. He is a manager.
1: Nope, not my type?
2: I bet if I said he is a manager at Cisco. You would jump into the opportunity.
“Hello the one working at the restaurant has a degree/or May not have a degree but his position is fixed, Cisco brother might get laid off next week”.
2: Manshallah I know this brother he is hardworking always at the masgid.he lives with his parents both are elderly and he is the one taking care of them. Manshallah. He is perfect for you.
1: living with his parents? No way, you know how it is with in-laws right.
2: Yes, sister many people are complaining about in-laws but there are good in-laws out there and besides this is his responsibility. Allah swt expects us to take care of our parents. Do you take care of your parents?
1; my parents are different, you cannot compare:
Yes, it is hard to find a spouse once you are done with school and all settled in your careers especially in this era, where women outnumber the men when it comes to population. Nevertheless, there are some areas, which we need to change and correct ourselves. To name but a few:
There is the age factor; A sister might not want to settle for a brother who is her age + 8 or -5 years. (Especially a younger brother). This is very common and it does not make it easier to find a spouse but rather makes it harder. According to the sunnah. Prophet Mohammed SAW first wife whom he loved and was married to until her death was 15 yrs older than he was. Look at the age difference between him and Aisha RA. Wasn’t the sunnah examples set for brothers and us sisters to follow ? so whats with the age preference?.
Then there is the sister who makes it known that her career is very important and would not give up incase a child arrives. This tends to scare the brothers away in the sense that the brothers start thinking of ‘who would raise my child then? Day care?” Sometimes this might not be a factor but it depends on what kind of brother we talking about here. Since most of the brothers prefer to have, the wife be a mother and take 99 % of mother duties herself no nanny involved. Those brothers are not entirely wrong since according to the teaching of our deen it is our responsibility to take care of the family /children while the men go out and provide for the family. This is nature its how we are created. Sisters might get to a point where the Doctors would tell you.’ slow down take time off you need to rest”. Sometimes I ask myself Allah swt did not make it compulsory for women to go to the masgid. Why ? if am not wrong, it’s because Allah swt knows and is aware that sisters might not be always be available to leave their children behind. Allah swt puts you and your responsibility to your child first. Maybe sisters we need to ask and learn what are our duties and relationships with our husband and children. Knowing that its hard for us to even get time for masgid, how easy is it for sisters to get 40 plus hours away per week to go to work then?.
Most of the times for the working class sisters its not compulsory to quit their jobs if its safe environment but one can try their best to meet the brother halfway. Its good for you and your children if you spared good enough time with them may be consider cutting off some time from work. At least how about you both plan ways that you can be there for each other and help each other. I do not think it hurts anyone if you both agree to share the responsibility. Where both of you decide to help each other financially, and share your incomes while working different timings just so one can be with the children. When the other one is at work. Let it be known far ahead that you are willing to make some compromise.
Then there is the problem of the sister who is highly educated and has this classic job and Prefers to find a husband who is at the same level as her. There is no problem with that either but let us be realistic the brother with good jobs are also in demand and if you say, “I can’t settle for less.” Then you are narrowing your chances. Yes, it is not easy either to settle for less. Since there are, men out there full of ego, who prefers not to go near a woman with higher education or more money than them. But I think Sisters should not let this be a factor and instead keep trying. Inshallah at least do not turn a brother because he is less educated or is not wealthy. Please!
Sisters I think what you should look for is a brother who will always step up and do whatever it takes to provide for his family basic needs as long as it is halal. It does not matter what type of a job.
When getting to know the brother. Yes let your career be known but at the same time, sisters need to let the brother know your motherly/wife skills. Always remember he is looking for a wife not a secretary or some job partner. The sister also on the other hand should question his husband/fatherly skills. Most of the times we tend to focus on careers and you would see a brother turn away or sister turn away only because we seem to focus on one end. Family is family and career is career. They both have different names and meaning. Yes its part of the package but we need to have a balance, as much us one wants to prove their career skills they should also prove motherly skills.
Yes money looks, family are factors to consider but none of them comes close to good character and that is what our deen highly recommends.
The biggest issue being “what would people think of me ‘. Well how about just focus on WHAT WILL ALLAH SWT THINK OF ME. How will this or that benefit me in Akhira. Do not forget life on earth is short and unknown.
Yes its not easy out there and its not always the sisters fault or sometimes its no bodies fault since there is always the fact that marriage happens only when meant to happen and we all end up with whom we where meant to be with. But at the same time us much as there are other issues out there to face. I think sisters also need to be open-minded and lower their expectations.
May Allah swt make it easy on all of us.
Muslimah, thanks for writing a very long, well thought out comment, it was very beneficial alhumdulillah!
There should be more sisters thinking as realisticly as you Sr Muslimah…
WOW,this was a good article i agree, i go through the same thing im 19 and already starting to apply to medical school, and the guy that im intrested in asked for my hand, and its a little weird between us because he is Mr. right but we cant have it all, he wants to be a male nurse. so for a girl to be more successful then her man is a little intimidating for him, including wen i would makes the most money in the house OUCH!! 70K IS WAY DIFFRENT THE 300K A YEAR
AND TO ALL THE GUYS OUT THERE,
i also feel bad for those doing buisness or anything other then a fancy lawyer or doctor, because now a days its getting pricey to even marry a girl, and unfortunatly just how guys are programmed to marry a shy , stay at home girl. girls are being programed to only marry the doctor, lawyer, rich big shot and those who are doing okay with thier lives and making just enough get the boot. so i feel for those great men who are open minded and easy going, and kind, because they prolly can treat a girl like a queen , but just because they dont have that big status, they may not get the person they want ,
As salamuaa aalaykum,
I wanted to share my story…
I seem to have gotten really lucky in terms of marriage. I became muslim in 2006 (age 20) after realizing I was strictly monotheistic and even though I called my self a christian I didn’t believe in Issa being anything other than a prophet. I started looking in to getting married (age 21) because I knew NO MUSLIM sisters at the time (despite living in Muslim central) and it was for the sake of Allah (I was opened to any brother who I didn’t find repulsive and was practicing). I was turned down once for being hispanic, once for not being ‘white enough’, once for wanting to pursue a higher education and another time for being a revert. I would cry in my prayers to the extent that my hijab, prayer mat and clothes would be soaked and I was too weak to produce anymore tears. I would wake up for qiyam, and fasted (because I thought Ii had a sickness in my heart and had read that fasting cures it).
I met and married my hubby in 5 days (istikhara and after meeting some very crazy, unsuitable brothers) I proposed he thought that if he proposed to early I might runaway. Alhamdulillah i got EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING my heart ever wanted in a man (even stuff I never even asked for). Mainly because every time I would read hadiths about a characteristic of the Prophet (saw) or a quality that was praised among the companions I would make dua that my future spouse would posses it (even to a very small degree). I also wanted a scholar (i know lofty dreams) but guess what? I never doubted my duas and when I married the hubby i found out he had studied Islam since he was 12 (he was currently 26).
He apparently had been turned down MANY MANY MANY times before for being ‘too religious’ so he was hesitant to mention it to me. He also studied engineering after parents turned him down for not being ‘edumacated’.
I on the other hand was super thrilled I was about to graduate college he encouraged I continue to pursue medicine and I had my iman/sheikh/leader/personal fatwa checker/on call hadith ayat retrieval system and the love of my life (he also came with a very large Islamic library, too bad the books where in Arabic and I would just look at them and tear up because I couldn’t read the squiggly lines). Thats my next goal.
Since marrying the hubby my religion has improved and it is being corrected (I had studied Christianity in depth so I need stuff checked out and removed), my salat has improved, my pronunciation is a billion times better. Its absolutely amazing to have a leader who is knowledgeable in the religion. Alhamdulillah!!! I could never ever do enough shukr to Allah swt.
Anyway I realized that I don’t want to pursue medicine because I have other dreams that give me more freedom and satisfaction. I am a stay at home wife soon to be mother who started and is operating her own home based business with the love and support of my hubby. I tried and failed starting one or two businesses before in the almost 2 years of marriage (live and learn) but he never made fun of me or made me feel inferior for making mistakes or for failing. It is awesome. I am grateful he is out there working and providing for me while I am able to perform more ibadah, please Allah, please the hubby, and explore my dreams in an incubator he has patiently and lovingly built for me.
As my business is picking up it will soon be enough (inshaAllah) for him to leave his job and be able to start his own business (he has some awesome ideas) and pursue his dreams. He wants to teach Islam but wants to have a business to support his family so he doesn’t need to take money for the knowledge.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Before anyone hates on me for being so lucky I do have to mention that patience needs to be practiced and not just read about or regurgitated to people. After many trials and tribulations I feel that my reward for suffering and being patient was
1) Islam (and the possibility of entering Jannah)
2) an amazing husband and in laws who spoil me (we are an interracial couple but his family is very religious and has never mistreated me)
3) an awesome relationship with my mother since being Muslim.
4) The miracle of being able to conceive and inshaAllah carry a child to full term.
But before I was granted all that goodness I went through a lot. I was born in a war, my mother fled the country and left me with relatives @ age 1, lost my father @ age 3 (he was 23), was sexually abused from age 4-7 on a daily basis, was brought to the USA and met mother @ 7 and was beaten and abused by her, was forced to work 8 hrs a day in her factory, while still attending school, cooking, cleaning and taking care of my brothers since I was 7 until I left my home at 18. While I was struggling I felt that there was no god (astighfirallah) but then afterwards my faith in one God was stronger because I DID SURVIVE and therefore there HAD to be a God.
When I was 19 almost 20 I came face to face with my abuser (after being lied to by my mother who swore I would never have to face him but nonetheless she left me in a foreign country, in HIS house OVERNIGHT while she was out and about). I was tested and I was scared but then Allah swt gave me the strength to overcome my fear and I was able to let go and be FREE. When I became Muslim I realized I had forgiven everyone who knew about the abuse and didn’t help, the abuser, the facilitators and my mother. Lesson learned: Forgive so that Allah swt may forgive YOU.
So for those who suffer and are patient Allah swt rewards you greatly. I was lucky to be given Islam and a nurturing husband. I am now looking forward to the hereafter because if Allah swt rewarded me thus far with awesomeness i wonder how much more awesomeness is waiting for me in jannah. InshaAllah.
Jzkheri sister spanish muslimah for sharing your story.
Manshallah May Allah swt bless you and your family and keep you safe. Ameen
Its so true we just need to follow the sunnah of our prophet SAW and be patient.
You also mentioned ‘you proposed” manshallah I pray to Allah swt to provide us (muslim sisters ) with the courage to propose to brother. you cannot imagine how many sisters end up missing an opportunity only because we either feel shy to propose or fear “its will become the topic of the day ” or the brother turning us down. We should have the courage and know that one of the first lesson from the first marriage of our prophet SAW is that WOMEN CAN ALSO PROPOSE TO A MAN.
Alhamdulillah, more power to all the sisters waiting to find the “ideal Muslim man” for them. The ‘ideal Muslim man” in my book as a devout career minded muslimah, is a: devout, responsible, financially responsible, trustworthy, Allah fearing, loving, deserving and worthy of me Muslim man. Sisters, hear it from me: after years of waiting for Mr. Right to no avail, I settled for Mr. Wrong (did know it at the time) but what I did know was that I was more educated, made more money and I was a stronger believer than he was. I thought I could work with him to make things better for us. He was willing to do nothing, a total … Shortly after; I regretted marrying him and left him. I so regret marrying him. Leaving him was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I rather live my life alone than spent it with a man like my ex. Inshallah, I will wait for my “ideal Muslim man” if he does show up, Alhamdulillah. If he does not show up in time, that is Allah (swt)’s will. I will not settle for less. Settling for less is not an option for me now. The thing about settling for something mediocre is, the relationship will not last. My advice to my sisters, look in other avenues for your “ideal Muslim man” look outside your tribe, your village, your town, your city, your country and above all your race to find that man that is worthy of you. Salaam
May Allah(swt) reward you, for sharing your story Spanish Muslimah
Spanish Muslimah, I was really touched by your story, and felt jelous in a good way of your relationship (even though Im not married) . Reading about such a successful married life seems to be rare. Thanks for sharing
Barakahllhu Fik
Peace…
spanish revert sister jazakallah khairan for