LikeCounseling Question #1: My Husband Has Anger Issues
Tags: domestic violence, divorce, marriage
11/24/08
Question: Salam.. i would like to know what to do as I am in this situation… my husband has a lot of anger issues and has hit me, but we argue mostly… he will curse at me horrible things and in front of my little daughters. He likes to push my buttons and make me react and fight and yell, but he is the one with issues. I am very depressed and don’t know what to do.. i want the best for my kids. I am scared to get a divorce because I am scared Allah will be upset with me and what the effects will be on my daughters. But the constant fighting is probably worse. Please advice as I am in dear need of help.
Response:
In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Dear Sister,
Asalamu-Alikum Wa-rahmatullahi Wa-barakatuhu.
Thank you for writing to us. I pray that you will find our advice beneficial.
Allah (SWT) says:
“And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect (Al- Rum, 30:21).”
Allah (SWT) characterizes the marital relationship as one based on peace and tranquility. Any type of abuse occurring in the family compromises that peace and tranquility.
Domestic abuse occurs when one person has more power in the relationship, and uses it to cause fear to the other person. Abuse can be in many different forms– verbal threats, emotional, physical, sexual, and can include forced confinement and destruction of property. Domestic abuse is against the law, and is a punishable criminal offense.
You mentioned that your husband has hit you, curses at you, and “pushes your buttons.” This is unacceptable behavior, and is against the teachings of Prophet Muhammad (SAW). As our example, the Prophet (SAW) never mistreated his wives during his many years of married life.
It is reported by Aisha (RA) that Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said, “The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family (Tirmidhi).”
In another hadith narrated by Abu Hurayrah (RA), the Prophet (SAW) said, “The believers with the most complete iman are those with the most refined manners. And the best among you are those who are best to their women (Tirmidhi).”
Even during his Farewell Khutba, Prophet Muhammad (SAW) enjoined upon Muslims to be good to their women. He said: “O People it is true that you have certain rights with regard to your women but they also have rights over you. Remember that you have taken them as your wives only under Allah’s trust and with His permission. If they abide by your right then to them belongs the right to be fed and clothed in kindness. Do treat your women well and be kind to them for they are your partners and committed helpers.”
My dear sister, although it is good to be patient, there are certain lines that cannot be crossed. Islam gives you a position of respect and honor as a woman. As a wife, you have the right for your husband to provide for you, care for you, respect you, and endow you with a loving and healthy companionship.
Remember that your daughters are just as susceptible to the abuse as you are. Children who grow up in abusive homes have an increased risk of entering into abusive relationships themselves. The cycle of abuse will continue if it is not addressed now.
My dear sister, it is important that you seek the help of an imam and/or community leader. It is also just as important for you to seek professional counseling. Such assistance will help you to clarify your thoughts, treat your depression, and guide you to make the right decision inshallah.
Please also remember that your safety and your children’s safety come first. If you ever feel in danger, do not hesitate to contact your local domestic violence agencies and/or the police.
As for your concerns about divorce, Allah (SWT) will not be upset with you if you choose to leave a harmful situation. Even though divorce is disliked by Allah (SWT), in His wisdom He has also allowed it as a lawful option.
Allah (SWT) says: “If a wife fears ill-treatment (cruelty) or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves…” (Al-Nisa, 4:128).
Divorce is available for a reason. Allah (SWT) does not want you or your children to suffer.
Seek help, and use this opportunity to become closer to Allah (SWT). You are a strong and capable woman. Trust that He will not test you with anything you cannot handle. He will guide you to make the right decision inshallah.
May Allah (SWT) make it easy on you and grant you strength during such a trying time.
Sincerely,
SuhaibWebb.com Counselor *
For further guidance, please try the following links:
http://www.soundvision.com/info/marriage/
http://www.peacefulfamilies.org/aboutdv.html
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=Zone-English-Family/FYEZone
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* Alhumdulillah we are blessed to have a professional counselor for suhaibwebb.com. We will setup a forum for you to ask any questions you have regarding marital issues, drugs, pornography, or any other issues that you are struggling with.
Thank you so much for this entry. There are so many women who needed to hear this – including myself.
May Allah make the situation easy and peaceful for the sister.
The fact that she has managed to come online to seek advice shows great courage on her part – there are many out there who are suffering in silence.
I pray that Allah swt guides this sister to what is best for her and her children and that He rewards her for her patience.
My opinion is that the sister should leave him so that he may realise the seriousness of his actions and then inshAllah he can seek help for his rage and from there they can decide what the best solution will be.
I don’t know where this person lives but if she lives in the Bay Area, there are culturally sensitive counselers available to victims of DV. I work in a Legal Aid office and the attorneys who deal w/ DV Law recommend an organization called Maitri, who have culturally sensitive and bilingual counseling services. Their National DV Toll Free Hotline is 1.800.799.SAFE. I am sure there are others as well.
Asalamualaikum wrt wb,
All praise be to Allah. I am going to bite the bullet and be the odd one out here, but doesn’t anybody think that instead of rushing to call the police/social worker/get a divorce, there should at least be some type of attempt to reconcile between the husband and wife? First of all, we haven’t even heard the husband’s side of the story. Maybe they are clashing over money, or family decisions, and they need to be resolved by referring them to the Quran and Sunnah, and qualified Islamic mediation.
True, the husband’s behavior is incorrect. He must learn to control his anger. But I don’t see the benefit of telling a spouse having marriage problems all the verses about how the ‘other’ side should be, and that they have the ‘right’ to a divorce. This may only increase enmity, not love. Shouldn’t they focus on the person in front of them, and how they can change to resolve their situation and deal with the issue at hand.
I don’t see why in this case, the wife says that her husband is ‘pushing her buttons.’ If the argument is getting that heated, she should back down and leave the room. One thing that is destroying many marriages is that neither spouse has patience, and is willing to put their ego aside. Be the better person, and back down, make wudu, and do something else.
As for the verse you quote as support for divorce: Allah (SWT) says: “If a wife fears ill-treatment (cruelty) or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves…” this verse does not refer to divorce. It refers to making a Sulh (agreement) between the husband and wife, while remaining married, wallahu alam. Divorce is the last resort in a series of steps that are to be taken to resolve marital discord. As this is the first email from the wife, is it even appropriate to talk about divorce?
There is a book some scholars have recommended, called the Surrendered Woman, she says that almost all marriage problems can be resolved without resorting to divorce through an adjustment in attitude. I would bet 99% of Muslim women in the west do not know that raising your voice against your husband is legally considered a form of nushuz (Sh. Abdurahman Sabooni, Sharh Qanoon al-Ahwal al-Shakhsiyya).
In any case, may Allah accept from the efforts of the counselors and scholars like Imam Suhaib who teach the people the proper understanding of the religion, and I am very much indebted to the knowledgable people on this website. And Allah knows best.
Macho —
If someone is about to beat you, I don’t think there is any way to try and reconcile at that moment. The reality is most of the women in situations of domestic violence need some kind of help before they can even attempt to reconcile with their husband. I don’t think anyone is saying divorce is the only answer. But if you’re seriously scared for your life, like so many women in this situation are, then there needs to be some kind of intervention before a resolution can occur.
Secondly, w/ abusers there is a “cycle of violence.” The way the cycle goes is that, like all couples, arguments will start and then escalate to an act of violence. The husband feels remorse, and starts asking the wife for forgiveness. Then a period of tranquility happens. Then, like all marriages, arguments start happening, which leads again to the violence. Unless the abuser goes through some counseling or anger management, which usually requires the help of someone else, most of the time the violence will continue and this cycle will continue.
I think we need to take a step back and not make conclusions about what is best for their relationship, but rather what are the tools and resources avaialble to 1) prevent DV in our community and 2) correct this type of behavior when it occurs and 3) educate our community about DV.
Nadia
“I would bet 99% of Muslim women in the west do not know that raising your voice against your husband is legally considered a form of nushuz”
And what is beating the crap out of your wife considered?
this article touches a sensitive nerve, none of us are too eager to be the first to throw the stone here. too much generalization takes the context dependency out of the situation, as macho is trying to put i think. i agree that the wife cannot expect any serious recourse to normalcy unless the husband is faced with an external threat in the form of either social pressure or arbitration. in any case this has to be a win-lose situation for both. nothing happens in a status-quo, the cycle of violence has to end, as nadia says. sometimes couples are the only neucleous family trying to make a living in the west with no larger community of trust to put any social pressure on them. sometimes its the absence of any well meaning goal in life (something like a soul chicken soup) that fails to bring two individuals around a kitchen table as it used to. not to make matters light, we sometimes get too much used to our normal abusive roles, whether browsing in the internet or flipping the tv channels when that kid could have used a ball game of three. marriage is not just a sumtotal of shared responsibilities and inalienable rights, it is also a reason why two people solmnize an oath to be in sickness and health, sickness coming first and that includes the tacit knowlege of accepting your odds. we don’t think beyond today. too many of our brothers and sisters in guantanamo who would give anything to hold their wives/husbands or kids for a second, may as well trade their place in heaven. i know i have gone off-track but to the sister my suggestion is to make a difference in somebodys life, starting with yours.
Asalamualaikum wrt wb,
Thank you sister Nadia for your response. What I meant is that calling the police on one’s husband does not break the cycle of marital dysfunction. It is only a band-aid solution. The proof of this that you will often find wives calling the police on their husbands, only to come to his side in court, and get back together, then fall into the same problems.
We need to address the root causes of marital dysfunction. This is something that many in the West have yet to realize. They think the solution to marital dysfunction is divorce, which is why divorce hovers above 60%, and the family unit is on the verge of becoming an anomaly.
An interesting point is that Islam encourages qawwama, and a degree of financial dependence of the wife on the husband, and this fits human nature and psychological differences between genders. Feminism seeks to destroy these natural differences, and we are seeing the results of this.
And Allah knows best.
Salam
Well, whether we like it or not, sometimes the root cause of martial dysfunction is that the guy is a jerk.
“Well, whether we like it or not, sometimes the root cause of martial dysfunction is that the guy is a jerk.”
Very True, but there is a tendency to regard women as innocent victims, this is not always true. Women can be manipulative and troublesome too.
A real Muslim man would protect the weak (including his own wife and children, from his own wrath and anger). There are very few real Muslim men out here because their mothers and fathers failed to raise good healthy Muslims, let us break the cycle and leave a generation better than our own.
.. MashAllah, the sister had the courage to search on the internet for advice, that alone seems to me like a sign from Allah (subhanahu wa ta’3ala) that inshAllah things will get better.
.. SubhanAllah, I have heard many stories like this one, and stories of divorce. What ever happened to marriage being a sacred and important aspect of Islam? Marriage is half your deen!?! Don’t people want to cherish that anymore?!?! It’s stories like this that somewhat deter Sisters from getting married, and it should not be like that.
.. May Allah guide us all inshAllah. Ameen.